Oh, just make up your own title. No. That one's stupid.

I'm suspicious of the human brain, because it doesn't seem to make any noise. If it did, I think I'd notice because I keep my brain rather close to my ears. I'm also in a good position to determine if it smells or not, my nose being similarly well located.

But I'm used to powerful things making noise. Engines chug a lot. And whirr. Computers buzz and hum. But the brain - a spectacularly good thinking machine, seems to be silent. I don't even think it vibrates. It doesn't have any moving parts that I can see (or feel). It seems like it can't really be doing the thinking. It's a spongy decoy.

Through the pursuit of science, we're constantly finding out that what we think is wrong. Knowledge and facts are always being superseded as we get cleverer and older and more streamlined.

I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that our brains weren't the things doing the thinking. The brain seems like a place-holder. It's just something soft that can plug the gap in our skulls.

But what is doing the thinking, then? I don't think it's my heart. That has enough stuff to worry about already.

Bones don't think (I think).

Maybe we're all just hooked up to some central thinking centre in Dubai or somewhere, and out brains are just receivers. And every time we forget where we put our keys, it's because the wi-fi has cut out.

Even though I have no neural pistons, I'm running out of steam.

I can't remember what it's like not to be tired. I'm sure there have been times in the past when I haven't been tired. I've been awake and sharp and vibrant. Well OK, I've never been vibrant. But I have been alert. But that seems like a world away.

Even caffeine seems to have failed me. I think I might have offended the Caffeine Gods by drinking about ten cups of coffee a few nights ago, even though it had been left out for ages and was tepid at best.

I'm always offending gods. The idiots.

Once, I offended the gods of full-fat mayonnaise. I bought a bottle of light mayo. Luckily the gods of light mayo were there to even the odds. But the whole thing angered the gods of peaceful mayo co-existence. And that angered the gods of realism.

And this whole idea is angering the gods of Having Something Interesting To Say.

Maybe if gods weren't so quick to anger, the world would be a better place.

I've just angered the Gods of Atheism with this concept, which has thrown the whole thing out of wack.

I've never been in wack. I've never used it in a positive sense.

"How's the project going, Johnson?"
"Excellent sir! Everything is 100% In Wack."
"Good work, Johnson. Now how about that blowjob?"