You Do the Meth

The days of FnZ are nearly over.

I bought a new laptop today, which signals the end for my old computer. It had been a troubled relationship from the get-go. All the way to the get... stop. I suppose.

My first laptop was made my Dell. It was a Dell. I called it Adelle. Get it?

She served me well for many years, but I eventually had to replace her with a new computer. Also a Dell. This one called Dellilah. Get it?

But Dellilah was trouble immediately. She came installed with Windows Vista, which is the worst possible start for a child. Like being born in Burnley.

(I'm chose Burnley to annoy a specific person - and as a test to see if/when she reads this)

Dellilah's speakers were rubbish and crackly, she wouldn't stay connected to broadband. Halfway through her life, her fan started making a great deal of noise.

This much noise:



It wasn't constant, but it was frequent. To stop the noise, I had to start pressing the Fn key (function?) and Z (zed?). Fn Z.

Then the noise did become constant, and so did the FnZing. I did it all the time. My hand started doing it even when not on the computer.

As the fan grew louder, the computer grew slower. And so I had to make the major change.

Dellilah had been a problem child. I'd tried to mollycoddle her. Tried to tolerate her. Tried to get her on the straight and narrow. But to no avail.

I bought my new laptop today. It's made by Samsung.

I think I might call it Sam.

Get it?

But I still face the arduous task of transferring all my files over.

As though she can sense it, Dellilah is even hotter, even louder, even slower than ever. Her screen is flickering - she's just shut herself down apropos of nothing.

It's as if she can tell the end is coming, and is screaming in defiance.

It's a sad thing. Like when a child is possessed by a demon. Or a friend tells you they've decided to become a Scientologist.

Dellilah's time has come. Now it's time for Sam to show what he can do.

He's big and red, like a fire engine. I can't imagine anyone would like a laptop like this except for me.

But so far (*touch wood*), he seems to be behaving himself.

Every now and then, my fingers will instinctively go for an FnZ. Like the muscle memory of a Great War veteran checking for his revolver.

I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

But I'll try to move on.

Dellilah will still be around, just in case. I'll leave her in a cupboard to cool off. Maybe, every couple of years, I'll sneak towards her under cover of darkness, and tickle the Fn, and stroke the Z. For old time's sake.

But I can't turn her on in case she wakes up the neighbours.

***

I recorded an interesting video and put it here, but it doesn't seem to be working at the moment. Maybe it will fix itself. I hope so. It really was interesting.



***

Oh yeah:

Mood: Frightened of the world.

Listening to: Janelle Monáe - Tightrope

I posted this on Facebook, so forgive me if I seem obsessed. But this is a rather spectacular performance:



Reading: the signs. My favourite is 'Give Ray' or 'No Turn Left'.

Watching: Film 2010, which is inexplicably quite good.

Playing: I Spy.

I always felt a fraud playing 'I Spy', because I don't have a little eye. I have two eyes - both of comparable size.

I used to change the words.

"I spy with my two comparably-sized eyes two separate images that combine in my brain to create the illusion of a single focused picture of something beginning with "A".

Yes, it was annoyance. Well done."

Eating: Bran flakes.

Bran flakes are nature's crystal meth.

Drinking: Orange juice.

Orange juice is nature's bran flakes.

Hilarious Tweets:

@diamondbadger
If inadequacies were bread, I'd be able to run my own bakery. Badly.

If I was the last person alive, I'd only have myself to blame.

***

I've been feeling very anxious lately. I hope I feel less so tomorrow. I'm *this close* to digging a burrow.