Thesp

Maybe I should become an actor.

I've never really done any acting before, but I reckon it would be pretty easy.

Of course, I'm a terrible liar (or am I?), but I think that's down to a subconscious aversion to deception or any other immoral act. I also get nauseas when I have to rob a bank. Luckily there are usually plenty of bags on hand. Of course, the bags have dollar signs on them, so filling them with vomit is deception in itself - exacerbating things. Someone with my finely tuned moral compass should probably avoid robbing banks altogether, but my willpower isn't strong.

Anyway, I think I'd be a good actor. I can project. I can do a variety of accents. Although I am stoic in nature, I have seen lots of emotions on TV, and they seem pretty straightforward.

I think I could be a Shakespearean actor. All you need for that is good annunciation; the quality of the script takes care of the rest. My beard would be an asset in this venture, unlike every other occupation which sees facial hair as undesirable at best. It even kept me from getting a job on the Paedophile Council of Britain (PCB) for being "too obvious". Although that might have also been to do with my T-shirt slogan: "God's Speedo".

On the back was further clarification: "God's Speedo = God's Paedo = Paedophile anointed by the Almighty".

I don't know what I was thinking when I bought it, to be honest. It was too small for one.

I could also play a thug in programmes like The Bill. I can do a good Ray Winstone-esque threatening Cockney.

I don't think I'd be a method actor though. I wouldn't have the commitment to absorb myself into a role like DeNiro in Raging Bull. In fact, I'd be so 'anti-method' that I'd insist on reading my script on camera, being referred to by my real name, and have an animated caption appear periodically throughout the film saying "This isn't real! This isn't real!".

I'd be a good actor.