Spunky Business

I had a thing for monkeys when I was a boy.

Not that kind of thing, mind. I just liked them. Innocently. I was a wholesome boy, still yet to succumb to the desires that would one day end me up in a Home for Primate Abusers. I don't look upon my years at the Institute with anything but shame. I'm glad to have finally overcome my problems (although I still have the banana tattoo on my penis as a constant reminder of my past).

When I was a child, they were my favourite animals. I used to like the Golden Lion Tamarin. I think I liked the name more than the monkey itself. Now that I see it, it reminds me a bit of the evil monkey in the His Dark Materials books.

The symbol of my monkey fandom was my favourite stuffed animal: Gibber. Gibber was purchased from Tyrell and Green (a department store that used to exist in Southampton). I remember getting him. He was great. His hands were sown onto his body for some reason, as though he was protecting his genitals at a free kick. But I cut them loose, and allowed him freedom.

Gibber was later joined by Jabber (a monkey of the same make, from the same place, though he looked slightly different), Gibbon (bought from a shop called Gibbons 'n' Gifts at Paignton Zoo), and Jason.

That's right: Jason. The name was just a placeholder, but kind of stuck. I think he might have been named after popular singer Jason Donovan.

The four monkeys were my all-purpose toys. They formed a band called the Musical Monkeys, not consciously named to avoid confusion with The Monkees I think. My sister and I wrote a great theme song. The lyrics were Leonard Cohen-esque in their bleak depiction of the human (or monkey) condition:

We are the musical monkeys!
This is our musical song!
We are the musical monkeys!
Join a-long!

My sister may try to fool herself into thinking she has a future in music, but she has to know it's all downhill after that.

They were also in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-style group (that I can't remember the name of). I wanted to get an inflatable banana to act as their 'Monkey Blimp', but that never came to pass.

I made a magazine with monkey profiles and posters and everything.

I was a very well-adjusted boy.

I still have Gibbon, Jason and Jabber. But sadly, the leader and original member, Gibber, is nowhere to be found. I wonder where he is now...

Probably off adventuring with my friend Chris's stuffed mouse Squeak.

They had some good times. I wrote a story with them in. It had a good bough/bow pun in it. I remember they were obsessed with bananas and cheese respectively. You don't get that kind of multi-faceted characterization in children's games nowadays.

I was a very well-adjusted boy.

I'm not so crazy about monkeys now. They're a bit too close to children for my liking.

I now prefer squirrels, ducks and wolves.

And that's why I'm writing this from an entirely new Institute for Animal Abusers. I'm trying to resist my addiction to breadcrumbs, silver bullets and Hoi Sin.

I'm taking it one day at a time.