Rise and Shine

I watched breakfast television this morning.

There's no greater advert for genocide than breakfast TV. I think the defense in any murder trial could use a recording of GMTV from about 7:30-9:00 as Exhibit A, and the defendant would get off scot-free on the basis that "we all deserve to die".

I think it must be because our brains take a while to warm up in the morning. We're slow - trying to piece things together. The only stimuli we can react to are mawkish personal tragedies, painful jokey small talk, apocalyptic warnings, and interview after interview of nothing.

People saying nothing again and again, in a variety of different accents, people repeating nothing buzzwords, avoiding anything with meaning or depth, nothing, nothing, arguing about different kinds of nothing, personal experiences of nothing - and lets hear what the public have to say! Here's a clue: NOTHING.

Before 10am, the whole country knows nothing. We're just exercising the processes of moving, and talking, and thinking, and have collectively agreed to ignore actual content until later in the day.

I hate GMTV. When the weather forecast comes on, it's a relief, because at least some facts are being imparted (even if they are unreliable facts). On every weather map, I'm hoping with all my heart that alongside the white clouds and grey clouds and black clouds, there'll be a mushroom cloud over London.

But I shouldn't criticise GMTV. That's what it's there for. No-one expects anything more. But BBC Breakfast is worse. I have expectations of the BBC. But after watching Breakfast this morning, those expectations have been changed to: "I expect all BBC Breakfast presenters will be bludgeoned to death by me".

They're still talking about nothing, but they dip their toes in serious subjects just enough that the audience feels depressed, yet ill-informed. A winning combination for the mainstream media.

The morning is the time I most need an escape from the mundanity of everyday life. I have enough depressing stuff on my plate, namely: it's pre-noon and I'm not in bed. I don't want to have to watch awkward interviews with the grey-haired, grey-faced public, in their grey houses, talking about whatever gloomy topic is supposed to be of interest.

That's the news. But there also seems to be a conspiracy among all the other channels to put on nothing worthwhile. It's all painful and shallow and cheap. Even the kids' TV can't save me. I like watching children's programmes, but the ones they choose for the morning are so ugly and upbeat, it feels like propaganda for an upcoming war against subtlety. And they'll win that war.

Between the grey misery of the news and the eye-bursting brightness of the kids' shows, I start to get dizzy and fall down.

I don't know what I'm expecting. I'm sure I'm not equipped to deal with an in-depth documentary about the Beveridge Report at 7:30 in the morning. What I really want is just "something I like". Which is probably selfish, given that I don't usually watch breakfast TV. I suppose I'm not the intended audience. But I'd like just one of the Freeview channels to offer me something.

The fact that I leap upon a repeat of Everybody Loves Raymond like a starving man who's found a sandwich is a very depressing thing.

The lesson for me here is: just spend the mornings staring at the walls. Our walls are interesting.