Twelve

I haven't done a compilation of tweets since 2011. Remember 2011? Back before the Golden Globes, before the Swansea-Arsenal game, when the notion of proposing gift yachts seemed as distant as the hover-carp.

Things are different now. We're all a bit more humble and wrinkled.

Let's stumble together towards a bright tomorrow with another edition of:

Clever and Productive Ideas

***

?thgir ,2102 ni sdrawkcab gnitirw lla er'ew ,oS

***

It's pretty grey and miserable out there. But then, 2012 is the Chinese Year of the Eeyore.

***

You might say that it isn't the Chinese New Year yet. If that's true, how do you explain my spring roll body armour? Hmm?

***

I might make soup for lunch. But I'm not 100% sure, because my alethiometer is covered in soup.

***

Oh man. Has anyone else been watching "The Adventures of Faecal Pinocchio"? Shit just got REAL.

***

The best part about being a cannibal is you can tag photos of your meals on Facebook.

***

It is impossible for any human to draw an accurate bird. If you think you've seen one, it's either some kind of trick or a photograph.

***

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, and finally: 17. #counting

***

Liver. You can't live with it; you can't live without it. Except you can live with it. For a time.

***

"OooOoh. Water displacement. *rolls eyes* THAT's an important discovery. EUREKA. Sheesh..." - Sarchimedes.

***

The most embarrassing time to choke is when you're in the middle of performing the Heimlich Maneuver.

***

I decided to use "maneuver" rather than "manoeuvre" because I'm trying to crack the American market. Like Bush.

***

Outside: the smoke and spicy stench of burning leftover festive pastries. What a waste, what a waste. A mince pyre can't inspire confidence.

***

And lo! An unsatisfying abbreviation of Lorraine! The lower-case 'L' compounds the folly.

***

There are only three breeds of dog. Everything else is just a difference in combing techniques.

***

You might as well get rid of your rear-view mirror. What if you were being followed by a vampire? Useless.

***

Proportionality is directly proportional to itself.

***

If anyone with only a massive finger and thumb has lost a glove, I just found it outside. Or it could be trousers.

***

My concentration is like a can of Nuclear Pepsi: it CANNOT BE SHAKEN.

***

For better results, use the "bristle" end of the toothbrush for cleaning your teeth. This GQ subscription has paid off already.

***

Someone should write a film that begins with the main character being late for something.

***

I've started pronouncing Tibet "tie-bay", in an effort to appear more cosmopolitan. And... now I've stopped.

***

Casting Garth Marenghi as Bruce Banner was a brave choice for the Avengers movie.

***

You look like you haven't seen a ghost.

***

You know those little squiggles you draw to check if a pen is working? In 80,000 years, an alien civilisation will assume they were our gods

***

Film Pitch: JURASSIC PARK PARK - An island resort populated by Jurassic Park recreations goes wrong when a Wayne Knight droid eats a guest.

***

I never get to say "Halt! Who goes there?" in my job. It's like they didn't even read my application letter.

***

Bake a cake with a prison inside and send it to an agoraphobic.

***

When I played Chinese Whispers in China, I was arrested for incitement to commit murmur. But what I did was right. And important.

***

I want to do an off-beat remake of the film Total Recall, where someone plants a tree in Schwarzenegger's memory.

***

There are lots of songs in the public domain, but not many songs ABOUT the public domain. What's it like there? I've never been.

***

I just searched for 'hinge' on Wikipedia. I should probably go to bed.

***

POEM: I found a crouton // in my futon // then sighed // and put my boot on

***

FACT: 90% of household waste is made up of the powdery silver residue from used scratchcards.

***

Every human being who has ever lived has won first place in the World's Youngest Baby competition.

***

No-one likes the sound of their own voice on tapir.

***

They have different consternations in the Southern Hemisphere.

***

Forget the Nicorette Inhalator. The best way to quit smoking is by carrying a bugle with you at all times.

***

Forget the bugle. The best way to quit smoking is by carrying a beagle with you at all times. Chew its ears whenever you have a craving.

***

Forget the bugle and the beagle. And the bagel. And Bungle from Rainbow. The best way to quit smoking is some kind of mouth hypnosis.

***

Ants can only carry all that weight because they have so many knees to bend.

***

This nervous breakdown makes for uncomfortable pillows.

***

Any lyricist who uses the word "unfurled" should have their rhyming privileges revoked.

***

Here's a tip: use "planet" instead of "world". The possibilities are endless: gannet, granite, uh... David Mamet... You see? Endless.

***

I'm too easily Pb.

***

Statistically, fifteen of my followers will be left-handed and shallow.

***

My friend's got a fire-hose for an arm. Other than that, he hasn't got any extinguishing features.

***

Whilst eating an apple just now, I opened my mouth so wide a pteranodon flew out.

***

Just to put it in context: conteitxt.

***

I'm worried my new coat makes me look like a robin. It's not red, but it is made of beaks and feathers and shrinking.

***

To spice things up on the walk home, I'm going to move my feet in the opposite order to usual.

***

There's no more romantic gesture than bundling your loved one into a hot air balloon whilst dressed as a dozen roses.

***

I'm learning how to beatbox. The beats are coming along fine, but I'm really struggling with the box element. I'm only up to three corners.

***

It's considered crass to laugh at your own jokes/children.

***

POEM: A virgin guava // submerged in lava // will appease the fruit gods // but // for how long?

***

"Shhh! I hear something!" is fine. "Shhh! I hear nine things!" is too much.

***

Lie back and think of Robert Englund.

***

I only like organs, skin and skeletons when combined in a very specific way.

***

I just flipped out, but then quickly flipped back in again before anyone noticed.

***

Revenge is a dish best served backwards (eg. never).

[Paul/Editor's Note: this was my attempt at clever wordplay. It doesn't quite work.]

***

You can tell a lot about someone if you speak quickly at an open mic night.

***

Sometimes I worry that I'm too eloquent. I need a bigger tongue.

***

The smell of wallpaper paste always reminds me of a rapid decrease in rigour.

***

I want a personalised numberplate that says "no, I insist" (or N01 1NS15T), but I haven't got a car.

***

Unclench your jaw. It is. It is clenched.

***

I find it difficult to attract the attention of waiters when I'm at home in two sleeping bags.

***

The commentary of Ray Wilkins is the best thing to have happened to football since the invention of the sphere.

***

The smallest bone in the human body can be found in the ear of Dennis Quaid.

***

"I swung around suddenly and knocked a bust of Tom Wilkinson into the litter tray." - MR CONTEXT

***

You make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman ONE MORE TIME, and we're through. GOT ME?

***

Typing certain words in CAPS makes a worthless tweet into something a hilarious American would say.

***

In chair westerns, the characters are hit with gimmicked breakaway stunt humans.

***

John Thor is Inspector Norse.

***

I just had an embarrassing water cooler overflow spillage disaster. I tried to play it cool by shouting "I HAVE GILLS!", but it didn't work.

***

I'd like to join a TV news team as their 'Despondence Correspondent'. It would just be me standing outside with my hand over my face.

***

I always wear a name-tag on my name-tag, which reads "name-tag". Good to know who's who.

***

LOOK OUT! Statistically, that probably just saved one of your lives.

***

I'll always treasure one thing or another.

***

I've got fluff all over my shirt because I accidentally washed it on the 'glue cycle', and then got in a fight with an angel.

***

Sitcom Pitch: LUMBERJACK OF ALL TRADES - Jack Lumber (Mark Addy) chops wood, changes tyres, and generally lumbers about.

***

Film Pitch: SPARKLEHOOF, THE PRETTIEST FOAL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD- Bleak, psychological thriller set in Soviet Gulag. Miley Cyrus to star.

***

Quiz Show Pitch: XTREME PANCAKEZ- People flip pancakes in a variety of risky locations (minefield, Baltimore, etc). Tagline: "Shrove THIS!"

***

"Be still, my beating heart!" But it's always sparkling... :-(

***

I was named after my great-grandfather. It made sense to do it in that order.

***

"Richard Eats Many Eggs Mostly Because Everyone Recommends Them". I use that mnemonic so I always remember how to spell 'remembert'.

***

Only the odd numbered Citizen Kane movies are any good.

***

If no-one calls me resplendent before 10:30, I'm in a bad mood all day.

***

Has anyone seen my invisible keys? If so, they're not mine.

***

On the way home, apropos of nothing, Lucy said: "If I'd died in the first year of our relationship, you'd be well over it by now".

***

I answered the door in my dressing gown this morning. I also answered the question "Is my dressing gown too revealing?" The answer was "yes"

***

First, brown the mince.

***

I was tired of constantly wading into controversy, so I bought a Jet Ski!

***

There you go. You're bang up to date. And bang out of order.

Tell your friends about me. It doesn't need to be positive. Just mention me in passing. "I clicked on this blog link by mistake, and immediately regretted it." Say that.

There's no such thing as bad publicity. Or good publicity.

There's no such thing as publicity.

It's a fiction that has only achieved such widespread acceptance because it was brilliantly marketed.