2014: The Year in Burst Blood Vessels

I hope you're wearing your retrospectacles, because things are about to get looked back on. Nostalgia, comin' at ya. Light the prior-fire, because what once was old will be covered anew. 

That's all 100% true, because it's time for:

DiamondBadger's Headscissors Review of 2014

Here are previous entries:

2007
2008
2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

I like to summarise things in categories, particularly at this time of year. I haven't written a blog post for ages, though, and I'm struggling to string sentences together. I've forgotten how to think, how to be engaging, and how to think I'm engaging.

Still, with sections this clearly demarcated, only a fool could stumble. And am I a stumbling fool? My grazed knees tell the story.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas. It's over now, so take those chipolatas out of your hair. You look ridiculous.

Life-Changing Event of 2014

I can't remember anything interesting that happened this year. No holidays, no moving house, no new skills, no new facial hair. 

In last year's version of this, I predicted that I'd put up the mirror we bought. We did put up the mirror, but it took several months and several armed robberies of B&Q. 

I can see myself now.

Podcast of 2014 (category un-retired)

Podcasts have come back with a bang in this household. In fact, 2014 is the Chinese Year of the Podcast. 

I, along with a large chunk of the western world, listened to Serial. I don't have any strong opinions on it, but I thought I should let you know. No strong opinions at all. I certainly didn't kill anybody, if that's what you're thinking. I like Koreans.

Ahaha, a joke about a real-life murder! It's a suitable topic for entertainment! It's an invasion of privacy! It's legitimate journalism! Justice! Respect! Awful people on Reddit! It's not about that! It is about that! Mail Chimp! Jokes about Mail Chimp! Joking about Mail Chimp is an invasion of privacy! Justice! Respect! That dead lawyer's voice! Due process! An acceptable ending! A disgrace! A revelation!

There. That's probably covered it.

My favourite podcast of the year is Comedy Bang Bang. I can't remember when we began listening to it, but we're now so involved in its world and its characters that I can't believe we ever didn't listen to it.

If you haven't listened to it, it's a comedy podcast that loosely takes the form of an interview. Various comedy stars are on there, and there are also people doing characters. It's almost all improvised. There are hundreds of episodes, so it's difficult to know where to start. Maybe a Best Of episode? Or this one. Or anything with Paul F Tompkins or Lauren Lapkus on it.

One of the funniest people on there is Andy Daly, who portrays a wide variety of characters from cowboy poets to German tourists to embodiments of pure evil. Daly is a ridiculously funny improviser. We may hear about him again later.

He was also featured in a spin-off podcast, featuring some of his characters: The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project. It makes me laugh. Try this one as a taster.

I've probably been listening to some other ones too. 


TV Programme of 2014

I've been watching a fair bit of television this year, which in the old days would have been something to be ashamed of. Luckily the idiot box is idiot no longer, and is venerated as the highest culture available for consumption (above sculpture, asthma-ballet and every single book).

New Stuff

I am in love with the Zeitgeist, so I was forced to watch True Detective and Fargo (the two must always be compared to each other, and never assessed on their individual merits). I didn't love either of them. True Detective was more ambitious and had higher highs, but also had a fair chunk of stupidity. Fargo was much more consistent but never wowed me. I'll probably watch the second seasons of both, though.

Louis continued to be excellent and unlike anything else on television. Not so many laughs this year, but some compelling drama.

I watched a couple of new animated shows: Rick and Morty and Bojack Horseman. The former was co-created by Dan Harmon, and reminded me of Community in that is was wildly ambitious and imaginative, occasionally superb, but never quite forming a satisfying whole.

I still haven't finished Bojack Horseman yet, but have really been enjoying it. It started off as a pretty funny show with a standard set-up, but as the season goes on, it becomes more rich and emotional and densely serialised. A surprising joy.

Mad Men was also on. I can't remember anything that happened in it.

Oh yes. That nipple.

I don't think they should have split up the final season. I have a short attentio

Old Stuff

We watched the old 80s TV drama The Jewel In The Crown on DVD, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's one of those classy old British dramas that are full of great character actors and big themes.

I finally got around to watching Twin Peaks on the lovely new Blu-ray box set, and it obsessed me for a month or so. It falls apart a bit in the second season, but the highs are pretty damn high, and it's a fun world in which to immerse oneself. Except when it's absolutely terrifying.

Another diamond I belatedly found waiting for me was Deadwood. I've written about it at length here. It's amazing, and automatically jumps into my top ten TV shows of all time. I haven't made that list, so that statement is probably meaningless.

But my television show of 2014, by a distance is... (trumpet purchase, trumpet lessons, fanfare)...

Review

It's Andy Daly! Remember him, from before?

In this comedy, he plays someone who reviews life experiences. It's a funny premise, and would have been great if it was just him reviewing funny stuff. But there's a strong story arc throughout the season, with lots of fun callbacks and lovely emotional bits. The final episode is one of my favourite single television episodes in some time. I haven't made that list (or even thought about it), so that statement is probably meaningless.

I don't know if it's available in the UK (it's not even out on DVD yet), so find it any way you can. And when it comes out, buy three copies.

Here's an example bit:




Shoe of 2014

I'm going to go with the snow shoe. I always thought snow shoes had to be tennis rackets, but I've taken a different tack and have used an umpire's chair. The snow would have to be pretty deep for it to be ineffective.

Film of 2014

New Stuff

Let's rattle through these. I've basically been left underwhelmed by every film I saw at the cinema this year. That probably comes down to my mindset, rather than the quality of the movies in question. I might just be difficult to please in a public venue.

I might be missing some, but I think the only films I saw in a cinema were Boyhood (impressive, but not as interesting or moving as I'd anticipated), Gone Girl (schlocky, dull, strangely cast), Guardians of the Galaxy (pretty fun, but no more so than the other dozen Marvel movies that have come out in the past five minutes), Captain America: The Winter Soldier (wimped out on its interesting potential, made Black Widow boring again).

I did see a couple of films on Blu-ray that came out in 2014. Under The Skin was great and creepy and just my cup of tea, with some really memorable bits. Only Lovers Left Alive was really fun and really funny, and only occasionally as irritating as its premise suggested.

Old Stuff

I saw The Conformist and McCabe and Mrs Miller for the first time this year, and wrote the words "TOP NOTCH" on the DVD cases (figuratively - one was on Netflix).

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (the original film and the Blu-ray 'Missing Pieces') was my favourite film experience of the year.


Moment of 2014

This might be a good time to mention my beloved Southampton Football Club. I've fretted about them at various points over the past year, particularly when we seemed to be selling everyone off, but this season has been fantastic. The manager is great, the players are great, the football, the league position, the Twitter feed - all wonderful. I've needed a lot of cheering up this year, and the Saints have managed it more often that not.

My moment of the year was being at St Mary's to watch us beat Sunderland 8(eight) - 0. If you have to spell the number, you know it was a special occasion.


Music of 2014

Not too many comments here, just some BANGIN' (good) TUNES (song choices).

Bilal - A Love Surreal (this is actually from 2013, but I got the album this year and it's one of my favourites)



Tiny Ruins - Me At The Museum, You In The Wintergardens (single)



clipping. - CLPPNG



The Twilight Sad - Nobody Wants To Be Here And Nobody Wants To Leave 




D'Angelo and The Vanguard - Black Messiah

By doing this so late, I get to include D'Angelo's album on my end of year review! Take that, early December idiots!

The album is fantastic, and my number two record of the year.



My favourite album of the year is... (recalls trumpet skills, fanfare)...


Run The Jewels - Run The Jewels 2

This was number one on Pitchfork's 2014 list, which would normally put me off (I'm insecure and like to seem original). But this is so good, I can't choose anything else. I love Killer Mike, and I liked the first RTJ album, but this was a big leap forward from that one. I've listened to this many times, as loud as my ears will take.





Misunderstanding of 2014

Accidentally bought five hundred ovens for someone who wanted a single fridge.

New Habit of 2014

Heroin. I haven't actually taken any heroin, but I have been thinking about it. I might be addicted to thinking about it. My friends and family took part in an intervention, in which I was advised to "shit or get off the pot". 

So I've stopped thinking about it.
 
Stuffed Animal of 2014

This is a soft crocodile. He was a birthday present from Lucy, and what a present he was! You can't argue with a crocodile.

His name is Snarlin' McFarlane.

Ordeal of 2014

2014

Albert of 2014 (category retired - stupid)

Stand-up of 2014

I haven't seen much stand-up, but I did do a couple of shows this year, One was terrifying and exhausting, And the other was the day before yesterday. It went pretty well. I actually did this material (the nature programme stuff) and, with a safety layer of irony, it went down a treat.


Number of 2014

1.1

Celebrity Sighting of 2014 (category retired until I see someone famous)


Picture of a Vegetable Made in MS Paint of 2014

(Yes, I do this every year)

Odd Celebrity Crush of 2014

I think I fell in love with St Vincent. Her album has been riding high on many end-of-year lists, but I haven't heard it. I don't know any of her music. I don't even really know what she looks like.

But I loved the little "oh" noise she makes in response to a terrible joke at 0:17 of the below clip.



That's it. Just the little noise.

I'm into it.

Language of 2014

Esperantzen.

Tool of 2014

Niall-Gun

Annoyance of 2014

The fonts are all weird. All of them. Not just dingbats or whatever.

Disclaimer of 2014

All opinions are my own. Even yours. I bought them at auction.

Clothing Item of 2014

I bought a soft, dark red, long-sleeved t-shirt. It makes me look like someone from the past and future simultaneously.

Hero of 2014 (category retired - Lucy is permanent holder of the title)

Comic of 2014 (new category!)

Since I started buying comic books again, I've been meaning to add this section to my year-end review. But it's getting late and I just don't have the time for an in-depth analysis. What a shame. I'm sure I would have been very insightful.

Never mind, I'll expand it next time.

In 2014, I've really enjoyed the sci-fi series Saga, the always great Astro City, the hilarious Superior Foes of Spider-Man, and Archer & Armstrong, which is also hilarious, but I can't write that twice (can I?).

But my two favourite series are these:

 Mark Waid and Chris Samnee's amazing Daredevil, which is sadly ending soon. It may be the greatest Daredevil run ever, and that's saying something.

The new Ms Marvel series by G Willow Wilson and Adrian Alphona got a lot of media interest ("A female Muslim hero?!") and there were concerns that it might be a publicity stunt. But it's been fantastic. I love Spider-Man-style teen hero stories (balancing heroism with the restraints of everyday life), and Alphona's artwork is brilliantly unique.

Catchphrase of 2014

We've started referring to hot dogs as "bun-longs". Is that a catchprhase?

Fact of 2014

Roald Dahl wrote the screenplay of Beverly Hills Cop II in my new RPF fan-fiction story.

Best Bit from My Review of 2014

I didn't mention ebola.

Prediction for 2015

Are they going to reboot Scarface? I bet they're going to reboot Scarface.

And it will destroy US diplomatic ties with Cuba. They've only just been re-tied, guys! Don't let this get in the way!

***

Well, that certainly started well.

Just like 2015 will!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Let's all join the same army.

And Troughs

I watched all of Twin Peaks on Blu-ray recently. The TV show was quite variable in quality, but I generally enjoyed it. I really liked Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, the prequel-type film. I'm surprised that it was so poorly received. I suppose it was down to context and expectation and the fact that most people just aren't as sensitive and discerning as I.

It has David Bowie in it. He's doing an accent of some sort. In the long edit of deleted scenes - The Missing Pieces - he screams a lot. If this screaming had been included in the theatrical cut, I'm sure the film would have received greater acclaim.

There's a huge pile of extra features on the set. One in particular caught my eye, ear and brain. This is composer Angelo Badalamenti talking about how he composed the Twin Peaks love theme. It's pretty great, because he's talking about the process as he plays. Whenever I see Badalamenti interviewed, he always seems really enthusiastic about his work.

The video is moving and impressive, but also quite funny. It's almost told as an erotic encounter between Badalamenti and David Lynch. But isn't all creative collaboration an act of intellectual and spiritual intercourse? Even between the Wayans brothers?

Yes. It is.

Angelo Badalamenti explains how he created the music for Twin Peaks from md rutherford on Vimeo.

!!~~POST #900 - GALACTIC RETROSPECTIVE FREAK-OUT~~!!

Keeping it simple this year.

Happy Nine Hundredth Blog Post.

I wonder if there's anyone - other than me - who has read all of these. I can't imagine that there is. Such a person would surely be known.

What was once an ironic "anniversary" special has become a regular fixture of the cultural calendar. It's impossible to remember a time before I posted a photo of myself doctored in MS Paint and rambled on and on and on.

Let's take a trip back in time. But we don't need a special portal or an 80s "Martycar". We can just click on links. HG Wells would be astonished that it's so easy.

Post #100
Post #200
Post #300
Post #400
Post #500
Post #600
Post #700
Post #800

I've been conducting a long conversation with my future selves. In Post #800, I wrote:

But enough about me. Post #900 Paul! How's it going, man? Did you manage to plant some flowers in your window boxes?

Also, have you done any good tweets lately, or is that whole deal over with now?

It's.. going, Post #800 Paul. Still going. We didn't manage to plant any flowers, I'm afraid. We did let the weeds grow, though. And a wild flower grew somehow. It was purple. Nature always finds a way. Jeff Goldblum was right.

And the tweets seem to have dried up. I did do a cutting @reply the other day, but that's about it.

@MattRichardson3 A menu is not a book.
— Paul Fung (@diamondbadger) September 9, 2014

I've never embedded a tweet before. I like it. It's much better than my usual copy-and-paste marathons. I don't know if it's enough to get me tweeting again, but stranger things have happened.

So, Post #1000 Paul. You must feel pretty pleased with yourself. 1000 Posts is nothing to sneeze at.

How did you like the last half-season of Mad Men? Did Don Draper die? Did Pete Campbell go to Woodstock?

Also, what's your mobile phone situation? At the moment, my current one seems to be on its last legs. I hope you've got an iWatch.

Seen any good gifs lately?

***

On my desktop, there's a text file called 'shoe song':

If you were to double-click on this text file, this is what you would find:

The question is: why?

What kind of a person would:
a) "write" a "song" about shoes
b) think it was of a sufficient quality to transcribe
c) save said transcript on his or her desktop
?

This kind of person.

It's not even like I have loads of stuff on my desktop. If I saved everything there, it would at least be understandable. I wrote a stupid thing and just saved it, unthinkingly.

But my desktop is very tidy. I have very high standards for the items that will appear there. If I don't use a program for several months, the shortcut is removed. If two folders can be combined, I will do so.

I like my desktop to be as clean and clear as possible.

And yet, there seems to be room for the lyrics to a terrible-sounding song.

It doesn't make sense.

Of course, the song is supposed to be terrible. It should be sung in a feeble, tuneless manner. That's the genius of the song.

listen to ‘shoe song’ on Audioboo

You see?

I'm rather interesting.

***

In these anniversary blog posts, I like to mix things up. I play with form, with medium, with tone.

So here's a poem about belts.

Through loops, a snaking binding brace

Metallic grip of ancient craft

Support contorts with serpent grace

Pan-equatory, fore and aft 

No shame, no fear of fallen cloth

With pride, the trouser keeps its height

No exposed undies, by my troth

The belt makes braces look like shite

Oh dear. My opinion of myself just plummeted.

If you're American (and I can't imagine why you would be), you can replace 'braces' with 'suspenders'. It will screw up the metre, but that's the least of our problems.

***

I don't particularly care for chocolate, and I don't particularly care for croissants. But I love chocolate croissants.

It just goes to show that things can be more than the sum of their parts.

Equally: I don't particularly like oxygen. I don't particularly like hydrogen. But I love water croissants.

Everyone hates protons. But there are protons in everything they love.

Value is a matter of scale.

Wisdom.

My opinion of myself just plummeted upwards.

***

Ooh, it's suddenly got dark outside. I think a storm is coming.

I'd better go get the washing in. I haven't done any washing, but I'll get some in anyway. Hurriedly stuffing clothes into a basket tends to ward off evil winds, even if you're in T.K. Maxx.

Or maybe it's not a storm. The darkness could mean that the world is ending. The apocalypse is probably upon us.

If so, this blog will be an important historical artefact. Future civilisations can study this as a missive from a moribund society. Which is exactly what it is.

I saw this video/song on that site that has people telling you what their jams are. It's pretty good.



Not quite as good as my sock and shoe song, but still worth your time.

***

We've been watching the 80s television series The Jewel in the Crown, which is about the British occupation of India and set during the Second World War.

It's really good so far, and is full of shiny-faced oblivious posh people and slightly heavy-handed metaphors. I'm glad we don't have an empire any more. I've already got enough things to feel guilty about (personal cowardice, unwatched films in Netflix queue, that motorbike I stole).

The British mindset is now a winning combination of inferiority and arrogance, which is the ideal cocktail. I can't imagine why the Scottish would want to leave.

I'm going to stop writing this now.

It may seem a bit abrupt, but I can't be sitting here all day. In my screengrab of the shoe song icon, you can just about see that it was taken at 13:47.

It's considerably later than that now.

I hope you've enjoyed this extra-large celebration edition of "The Headscissors Comedy/Thought Experiment".

I value your custom. And your customs. (Shaking hands and whathaveyou)


***

Rank

I was at the pub yesterday (which practically never happens) and I was asked what my favourite film was.

I couldn't answer. I'm not opposed to ranking art in order of preference, even though doing so runs counter to the whole purpose of art. I even recently tried to rank my favourite albums.

And I could probably come up with a rough top ten favourite films that would be generally representative.

But I couldn't choose just one.

I don't know the people I was with very well, and my choice of a single favourite film might have suggested something about myself that isn't true. For the sake of getting the conversation over (which is always my main goal), I wanted to just pick one anyway. But in my head, each choice seemed like it would create an inaccurate impression.

If I'd have said The Graduate, they might have thought I was a pretentious entry-level film nerd with no imagination.

If I'd have said Back to the Future II, they might have thought I was a simpleton, who only liked mainstream Hollywood (even though it's a great film).

If I'd have said The Apartment, they might have thought I was old-fashioned.

If I'd have said The Big Lebowski, they might have thought I was one of those awful people whose favourite film is The Big Lebowski.

My brain raced through films that I liked, but that would also create exactly the right impression of myself. I want to be knowledgeable, but not snobbish; not too obscure, but not too mainstream; no established classics, but no ridiculous novelty choices.

In the end, I didn't say anything. But did make several comments, which were at points snobbish, pretentious, infantile and ridiculous.

All of the good work I'd done in my head was undone as soon as I opened my mouth.

That's why I don't like socialising. Nobody holds me in high regard anyway, but even from that low base level, my conversation can only ever send their opinion plummeting. Every syllable that passes my list takes a percentage off my "probably an OK guy" score.

If I was mute, this would never happen.

I realise, of course, that my choice of film doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't even matter in an extremely localised scheme of things, sketched on the back of a napkin.

No-one else cared about their choice of film. What makes me an idiot isn't my choice of film, but the fact that I went through a torturous brain panic trying to justify my decision. I have problems.

I need to stop thinking about things so much.

...

Maybe I should have said Duck, You Sucker! (aka A Fistful of Dynamite). That's fairly obscure, but it's directed by someone quite famous. I have only seen it once, though.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I should have said that. That's definitely one of my favourite films. I should have said that. Damn. It would show that I have imagination, that I'm a romantic, that I dig Mark Ruffalo. I would have been king of the room. I should have said that.

Once again, my wish to be original completely paralysed me. Which is doubly disappointing because being paralysed is itself very unoriginal. Loads of people have done it.

At least they didn't ask me what my favourite animal was. That's even harder.

Bear? Duck? Griffin?

I think every human is a complicated cocktail of the stuff they like, the stuff they think, and the stuff they do. Trying to judge someone on their favourite film would be like judging a book on the curl of the lower-case 'a's. No-one would do that.

No-one did do that.

I practice a special alchemy, transforming nothing into problems.

***

This song was someone's jam recently, and it has been stuck in my head. It's a bit difficult to get a handle on what it's supposed to be. It makes me feel like a have the flu, but in a good way.

A Positive Contribution

I've been exposed to a lot of fictional violence recently. I watched the original RoboCop, and The Raid. Both of them include a lot of shooting, stabbing and dismemberment. I've also been playing Tomb Raider on the PS4, which has involved a similar array of brutal acts, many of them performed by my own hand (or thumb, anyway).

Does exposure to violent imagery have a detrimental impact on the viewer/player? Are we being desensitised to violent imagery? Does the relative consequencelessness of horrific acts trivialise real suffering?  Does having imaginary death and torture as major components of our cultural diet cause a disconnect between ourselves and real-life tragedy? Are we harming our children by allowing them access to violent content?

No, we're not.

No, we're not.

No, it doesn't.

That sentence is clumsy.

No, we're not.

There. We can consider the matter settled.

I should decide everything. I deserve to be the ultimate arbitrator.

I can wear a polo shirt that has the word 'arbitrator' embroidered on it.

The word arbitrator derives from the original French, where it literally meant 'betrayer of trees'. It was believed that only those with the clarity of thought to renounce the seductive barkéd evil could be truly impartial.

I'm happy to arbitrate. If I could do it professionally, I would. I'm the most qualified person for the job, because I am always right about everything and I also hate trees.

I don't want to have to come up with any kind of policy, or any arguments. But if faced with a binary choice, I'm happy to choose one of the options.

Yes or no.

Wise or unwise.

Left or right.

Up or down.

Shopping centre renovation or no shopping centre renovation.

Chas or Dave.

I won't just keep listing things - you all know what a choice is.

I can choose our way to a better world.

Vote Paul in some kind of election or something.

Like a hornless horse, this blog post hasn't developed in the way that I'd hoped at the outset.

I need to go home soon. I need to find a better time to write. Perhaps I'll become really disciplined and wake up early. Perhaps I'll put everything on the back burner, and bring my creative wok to the forefront.

Perhaps I'll really turn things around this time.

Here's a song that's been in my head all day. It's good.



You see? I can make a positive contribution. I just need to work out how to make my way in the world. Every time I think I have it figured out, I get a year older and the paradigm shifts. It's a wonder I'm still upright.

Wax

I've got the theme to Rosemary's Baby in my head. Is that a good sign of mental wellbeing?



I'd like to do this song at a karaoke night. I think it would be a real crowd-pleaser. Especially if I turned up dressed as Mia Farrow, and there wasn't even a karaoke night planned. It would just be me, in a dress, playing the song on my ghetto blaster and belting out the "la"s. In a Wetherspoon's. With a baby.

A real crowd pleaser.

But I'll probably never get around to it. 80% of ambitions are never fulfilled. That's a national average. I don't know which nation, but it is definitely the average there.

Which do you think is the most ambitious country? Mauritius rhymes with ambitious (sort of), so that's one indicator. Turkey can be abbreviated as 'TRY' - that's another.

I think the least ambitious country is probably Neptune. It doesn't even have its own flag.


I try to deal with potential failure by micro-managing my ambitions. I have them, but I almost immediately snuff them out. I vow to achieve something and then decide against it before I've even had time to complete the thought. Whilst writing the last sentence, I passionately strove to swim the channel and then tore my wetsuit to ribbons.

During Lent, I fluctuate between action and inaction at such a frequency that I become invisible.

Ambition can be useful. It can make people improve themselves and the world. But it can also cause people to inflict terrible atrocities on others, under the guise of progress.

For me, the main benefit of ambition is that it rhymes with lots of things, and so is of great use in a freestyle rap battle.

Just think about it.

Ambition
Tradition
Mission
Wishin'
Chicken
Kitchen
Bitterne
Fish un (French for 'fish one')
Leon Britton
Mitten

You can arrange those in any order, and you're liable to come away with some kind of commemorative turntable.

In conclusion, remember the lesson of Icarus:

Visit Crete.

Petulant Machine

February started so well, with a couple of posts in quick succession. But look where we are now: a desperate sixth post before the month is out.

I'm yearning for a leap year. Yearning.

But when I have a deadline, I do my best work. Much like the cornered tiger, which also does its best work when it has a deadline.

I've posted this elsewhere, but I might as well share the knowledge with my ones of blog readers.

I'm doing stand-up at the Oxford Comedy Festival, at the Old Fire Station, on Saturday 29 March.

The bill is full of various sketch, stand-up and a third thing comedy acts. I'm sure they're all very good. It's also for CHARITY. That's right. I am a good person.

There are two shows, one at 2pm and one at 7pm. I'll be compering the first one and doing a "set" (which will be "funny") at the later one.

Full details, including ticket ordering information, are at the link I'm about to copy and paste after the upcoming colon:

http://oxfordcomedyfestival.org/

It promises to be hilarious and terrifying for all involved.

Luckily, I have a lot of material.

Isn't it annoying when your clench your fist and you're accidentally holding an ostrich egg?

***

I've been tidying up at work, and have inhaled about three hooverbagsworth of dust. I keep coughing.

I suppose my terrible lung problems serve me right for not tidying more often.

Hey: here's something. I once wrote a song with the following first line:

Inside my chest, sequestered, is a petulant machine

Is that, or is it not, the worst opening line of any song ever written?

The word "sequestered" is not the kind of lyric you want to stick up front. And "chest, sequestered" is a challenge for even the most skilled of mouths.

I never even came up with a permanent second line, because there was no way to follow it. Though most variants of the second line, ended in the word 'baby'. I think it was to provide contrast: a clichéd word to counterbalance a stupid, ungainly one. Light and shade. Baby and sequestered.

Huh.

According to Wikipedia, there's a Canadian metal band called Sequester. Actually, it seems like it's just one guy.



I was going to make fun of this, but it's actually pretty OK.

I think his success comes from lopping the 'ed' from the end of 'sequestered'. That's why he's a professional.

'Sequester' has lots of plus points. It has the word 'quest' in it, which is pretty good (though he should have replaced the 'q' with a question mark). It also ends with 'er'. All good bands end in 'er', like Guster, Squarepusher, and... er...

It gives the act a sense of agency. They're doing bands. They're always moving, always progressing. Unlike those stupid noun bands like Travis who have been stationary for their entire career.

And don't get me started on those terrible pronoun-number bands. U2 and Shed Seven should be ashamed of themselves. My sister used to like U2 but shed pretends that shed didn't. I still tease her about it, though.

***

You see? Deadlines FOCUS ME LIKE A LASER.

Now excuse me whilst I browse Sequester's back catalogue. I can even sing along. This dust is making my voice more metal by the minute.

Maple Syrup

How about a Youtube compilation of people saying the phrase "I'd like to take this opportunity to..." in speeches or whatever?

That would be it. The rest of the sentence wouldn't be included in the compilation. It would be a montage only of people saying "I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

Just picture it.

A man at a podium: "I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

CUT TO:

A woman at a lectern: "I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

CUT TO:

Press conference dude: "I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

CUT TO:

The first man at the podium, as part of the same speech as the original clip, but at a different stage. He repeats: "I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

CUT TO:

Academy Award recipient for Best Film Editing: "I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

Just picture it. It would go on for about eighteen minutes.

Funny, right?

It's one of those things that you never notice but, once you've seen it repeated in an eighteen-minute montage, you realise it's the kind of thing people say.

"I'd like to take this opportunity to..."

Classic.

I don't have the time or the software to do it myself. But, if you'd like to run with the idea, be my guest.

Just remember to take the opportunity to thank me! !!!

THUMBSUP!

***

Look, it's Friday, OK?

It's February tomorrow. I'll make sense then. We'll all get down to pancakes and Andie MacDowell and forget about this silliness.

It's transfer deadline day.

I'm hoping to complete the signing of Nelson Mandela's funeral.

Is that a joke? Is it satire? Does it make sense?

I don't know, man.

I'm suffering. That reminds me of that song.



It's from one of my top ten favourite albums. I should have included sample songs to accompany the list in my last post. And some analysis of why I like them.

But I didn't do that, and now it's too late.

Yeah, Frank! I'll be suffering up around the bend too. It's awful up there.

What do I do now?

Stop?

I'd like to take this opportunity to.

White Noise

You can put the numbers in alphabetical order, but you can't put the alphabet in chronological order.

Someone can. Someone who knows about the origins of characters can.

But you can't.

I spent a lot of time travelling this weekend. I travelled to a football match, I travelled to my childhood home, I travelled to Devon, I travelled back to Oxford.

There was a tree on the line; that's why I had to do so much travelling.

A tree on the line.

What century are we living in? Do saws and cranes not exist?

The trees are laughing at us. They can bring us down like *that* (picture a branch snapping its twigfingers).

I was listening to music during a lot of the travelling. To make it more exciting, I tried to come up with my top ten favourite albums.

It was difficult. Those lists always are. How can you make a definitive order of preference, when your preferences change depending on the time of day, the weather, or the pH level of your Sony Discman.

But I had a go anyway. Albums are easier than songs, at least. Especially if you restrict yourself to one album per artist. And no compilations.

I think I got about eight.

In chronological order, they are:

1. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band - Safe as Milk [1967]
   
2. Phil Ochs - Pleasures of the Harbor [1967]
   
3. Scott Walker - Scott 3 [1969]
4. The Beatles - Abbey Road [1969]
5. The Fall - Grotesque (After the Gramme) [1980]
6. Frank Black and the Catholics - Frank Black and the Catholics [1998]
7. Ben Folds Five - The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner [1999]
   
8. The Wrens - The Meadowlands [2003]

Yes, that is eight.

I'm not 100% sure about any of these, but I wrote them down, so I must have some confidence in them.

The depressing thing about this list is how universally male and white they all are.

I like to think I have eclectic musical tastes, covering various genres and countries. My regular playlists are diverse and challenging. But when it comes down to it, I'm as parochial and staid as the average dullard indie fan in his thirties.

Oh, that reminds me! OK Computer should probably be on there.

1. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band - Safe as Milk [1967]
   
2. Phil Ochs - Pleasures of the Harbor [1967]
   
3. Scott Walker - Scott 3 [1969]
4. The Beatles - Abbey Road [1969]
5. The Fall - Grotesque (After the Gramme) [1980]
6. Radiohead - OK Computer [1997]
7. Frank Black and the Catholics - Frank Black and the Catholics [1998]
8. Ben Folds Five - The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner [1999]
   
9. The Wrens - The Meadowlands [2003]

Where are the women? I like women. And women artists. I'm a big fan of Nina Simone and Dusty Springfield, but I only really have best-ofs. Maybe I only like women from an era before the album became a thing. It was all singles back then.

What about modern women? I have lots of them on my playlists. But they seem to mostly be for individual tracks.

Where are the people of different races? You'd at least expect me to have some hip-hop on there. And I could certainly decide to add Run Come Save Me by Roots Manuva or the first Jurassic 5 album. But would they be there on merit? I should have The Low End Theory on there, but I don't even own a copy. What about a D'Angelo record? I like him, right? Am I just listing these choices because I like them, or because it makes my tastes sound more broad?

The trouble is that I got to a point in the list where I was thinking too much about my choices. I don't think I have ten clear choices. I listened to What's Going On to shake myself from my thinking, but - as always - I started to get annoyed by the overt religiousness of the later tracks.

What kind of eclectic man am I? A terrible kind. Where's the impenetrable electronica? Where's the Japanese buzzsaw punk? Where's The Lighthouse Family?

This whole thing has made me lose confidence in myself.

But then, maybe questioning my choices is the real mistake. All nine of those albums are genuinely great! I shouldn't be ashamed of them, just because of the artists' backgrounds! I should celebrate the music that I enjoy. I shouldn't overthink things.

I am who I am. I love the music that I love. And there's nothing wrong with that.

1. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band - Safe as Milk [1967]
   
2. Phil Ochs - Pleasures of the Harbor [1967]
   
3. Scott Walker - Scott 3 [1969]
4. The Beatles - Abbey Road [1969]
5. The Fall - Grotesque (After the Gramme) [1980]
6. Radiohead - OK Computer [1997]
7. Frank Black and the Catholics - Frank Black and the Catholics [1998]
8. Ben Folds Five - The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner [1999]
   
9. The Wrens - The Meadowlands [2003]
10. Nick Griffin - Birds and Darkies Are Worse (Than Us) [2013]

 Ka-boom. That was the sound of an ironic satire-bomb at number ten there.

I hope none of this gets taken out of context.

The phrase "bomb at number ten" might get me in trouble.

But of course, my blog posts are taken neither in, nor out of, context. They are not taken at all. They are left, like a yoghurt on a windowsill: part creamy rebuke, and part reminder of humanity's potential. 

2013: The Year in Saltine Hubris

We are.

We won't always be. But for now we are.

Each tick of the clock is a death for thousands. But not yet for us.

Tick, tock, there goes a village.

We must be thankful. Take each day as it comes. Take each month as it comes. And, at the end of the year, write an article summing up the things that have happened. Plato would have done exactly that, if he'd been born in the spacebar era.

DiamondBadger's Headscissors Review of 2013

I do this every year. It's a light-hearted look back at the thrills and spills of my soup kitchen rollercoaster. I also talk about the year in question.

This year, the year in question is "2013".

The question is "What happened in 2013?".

The answer is "the following".

Here are previous entries:

2007
2008
2009

2010

2011

2012

If I contradict myself and repeat myself exactly the same number of times, I can consider this a wash.

Life-Changing Event of 2013

I put "buying a flat" in this slot last year. This year we actually moved. The whole year has been life-changing, and not in a good way. I don't even feel I'm the same person I was in 2012. Someone must have forged my name tag.

But I can't go into too much depth about it. Let's just say that my fundamental essence has been forever altered by moving ten minutes' drive down the road.

I own a power drill now. This is serious business.

TV Programme of 2013

I've watched a lot of TV this year. So much so that I've had to embolden part of that sentence. Most if it has been in box-set form. I now feel more engaged with television as an art form. I've been taking part in the national conversation. It's not the conversation of my nation, but still... This was a real breakout year for Malta's Got Talent.

I watched lots of series for the first time, some of which I wasn't too fond of (Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Girls), and some of which I was rather taken by/with.

For me, the year boils down to three big ones: Mad Men, Breaking Bad and Enlightened.

I'd barely seen any Mad Men episodes before this year, so I decided to take the plunge. I ended up watching all six seasons in just a few months. It really changed the way I saw the world. 'Peggy' is short for Margaret?! WTF? How does that work? Right? Am I right? Am I?

I'm still not sure what I think of it. At it's best, it's mesmerising, and some of the characters are as complicated and fun as you could wish for. But sometimes, its greatest strength (huge scope; slow pace; meandering, deep exploration of the human condition) becomes a bit of a burden. It can move slowly, or be too obvious. Or it can spend too much time with beautifully-developed characters that aren't that interesting. It finds beauty in truth, but truth is often boring.

It has peaks and troughs in quality, but overall is very satisfying. My opinions on certain characters (hello, Pete) have gone from loathing to understanding and then back again. Elisabeth Moss's Peggy is one of my favourite television characters of all time: showing real (fictional) growth, and handling heartbreaking drama and hilarious comedy with aplomb, often in the same episode.

But I don't know if I feel a great affection for the series as a whole. I don't know why. It might be because showrunner Matt Weiner slightly rubs me up the wrong way in interviews. I like Mad Men, but I don't think it's quite managed to crawl into my soul. Perhaps that's a good thing. There's not much room up there.

Breaking Bad ended this year in a hail of publicity. Lots of people have compared Mad Men to Breaking Bad, so I might as well have a quick stab at it.

The two shows are sort of opposites in a way. Mad Men sprawls all over the place and gives us a taste of everything. Plot isn't as important as themes or character.

Breaking Bad is an almost miraculously tightly-focussed story, with a clear beginning, middle and end. It has a narrower cast of characters.

Mad Men is about the American Dream. Or gender politics. Or social change.

Breaking Bad is about Walter White and what happens to him.

That's a terrible simplification. Mad Men is about loads of stuff. And maybe Walter White's story is the story of America. It isn't though. It's the story of Walter White.

Anyway, whilst I generally prefer big vague ambiguous philosophical pretentious profound meaning-of-life fare to tightly-written morality plays, I think I like Breaking Bad better.

Doing a single story over a number of seasons, whilst still making it seem satisfying, and not treading water at any point, is a huge achievement. I'm not its biggest fan (there are many other shows I prefer, and I question to what extent it will be as fun on second viewing), but it certainly is exhilarating viewing. The final season had some fantastic moments - though I didn't think it was as perfect as some seemed to - and it was a fun ride.

That was all a bit long. Especially, as I prefer Enlightened to both of those.

I've written about it before, so I don't want to cover old ground, but it really is a great show. I watched both seasons this year (the second one began in January, but I was behind). It's touching, great-looking, different, and is about something. It's definitely more Mad Men than it is Breaking Bad, and maybe if it hadn't been cancelled, it might have suffered some of the former's problems, but it stands as a really beautiful chunk of television.

Do chunks stand? Probably, if you lean them against a wall.

Amy Jellicoe (played by Laura Dern) is a fantastic character, who is somehow both self-obsessed and a complete hero. How can a character be completely deluded and yet fundamentally right? Ask Mike White.

This trailer doesn't really convey the tone of the show, but I should probably embed something, right?



Yeah. Gotta embed. It's like the rhyme says:

If you don't embed, your readers will... do something else. Instead.

Shoe of 2013

I bought new shoes this year. But I think the winner has to be that sandal that broke the whole NSA story.

Film of 2013

I don't know about films. What came out when? Who am I, Paul Ross?

I saw Before Midnight and Upstream Color. Those are films that people seemed to like. If I say it was them, will you let me go?

Moment of 2013

In Turkey, we went to a hidden island (hidden from all but the regular tour groups that go there). We sat on a peaceful sandy beach, looking at the river.

That was nice. I didn't see it mentioned on The Big Fat Quiz of 2013, though.

So the moment was probably that time a celebrity accidentally tweeted a picture of themselves wearing odd socks. Peter Sissons, let's say.

Music of 2013

I've done a list! But I couldn't find a lot of the songs on Grooveshark, so it's only on my iTunes. If you want to come round and have a look, you can.

I liked good new albums by Fuck Buttons, Death Grips, Janelle Monae and Mountains.

I very much enjoyed the Run The Jewels album. I spent a lot of time this year channelling its aggressiveness into energy, helping me climb Headington Hill.

Here are a few choice morsels.

Run The Jewels - Sea Legs



Grouper - Living Room

Trust Punks - Prone Hold



Sonny Smith - Some Women Artists All Around Town

(this is the only version I can find)



My favourite song of the year wasn't released in 2013. I'm forty-two years late with this one, but it's still as fresh as a daisy.

Caetano Veloso - Maria Bethania



Misunderstanding of 2013

I kept winking and people in Turkey and asking where the beak was. It turns out that people in Turkey don't know what winks mean. The local equivalent is looking bored and irritated.

Knock-Knock Joke of 2013 (category retired - it was a stupid one)

New Habit of 2013 (new category!)

I kick our small football around the flat all the time. It's a good way to get some exercise whilst listening to sermons on the radio.

Stuffed Animal of 2013

Me - after Christmas dinner!

Because I'd eaten so much!

I'm an animal!

I was sewn shut!

Tendon of 2013 (category retired - it was a stupid one)

Ordeal of 2013

The flat has been one big ordeal, though most of that stuff has subsided for now. I suppose the big ones were not having any useful heating last winter (sobbing and shivering, working as a team!) and our bathroom leaking into the downstairs flat. That was quite traumatic. We had to talk to a plumber.

But both of those problems have been solved. We have a nice new bathroom and nice new heaters. No money, but money doesn't keep you warm and dry.

Albert of 2013

(Some of the image URLs on my old entries were broken, so apologies if I've used this Albert before.)

Stand-up of 2013

I didn't see much stand-up this year. I'll probably use this slot to talk about my own stand-up. I only did one gig, but it was very nice indeed. I remember telling a football joke, and saying to a man in the front row "you look like you're a bigger fan of football than you are of comedy". That doesn't even mean anything! Those are the best things to say. People like those things.

Oh, and Louis CK and Maria Bamford are still hilarious.

Podcast of 2013 (category retired - I've stopped listening to podcasts)

Number of 2013

0.4

Celebrity Sighting of 2013

As I mentioned on here before, we saw John Sessions in a Gatwick Pret a Manger. I sobbed into his shoulder "It's you! It's really you!". Whilst he was distracted, Lucy stole his wallet.

Picture of a Vegetable Made in MS Paint of 2013

Odd Celebrity Crush of 2013

(Man, there are a lot of these categories - I'll thin them out next year)

Who's odd? Anna Chlumsky? Jon Hamm? The woman from Limmy's Show? An anthropomorphised mosquito that I dreamt about?

Stop thinking in such narrow terms. We're all humans.

Language of 2013

Bill Fralic

Tool of 2013

David Cameron! #satire

Annoyance of 2013

Michael Owen's football commentary. He has almost every bad quality that a commentator might have, all wrapped up in a symmetrical little package. Not many people are nasal, ill-informed, banal, closed-minded, biased, and tedious. But he manages it.

Disclaimer of 2013

I'm writing this under duress. Though, that's how I do most things. Duress is my life coach.

Oh - also, I'm probably not going to proofread this. You might have noticed.

Clothing Item of 2013

I bought some pyjamas, and the top was one of those t-shirts that has buttons. It was black. I wear it all the time. It's a t-shirt, so I look casual. But it has buttons, so I look like an executive. I also ordered a red t-shirt online that arrived yesterday. It's much too big. I feel like a Sesame Street character.

Hero of 2013 (new category!)

Most years, this will be Spider-Man. This year, it is Lucy.

She has really stepped up. When faced with the difficulties of owning a house and speaking to builders and being alive, I've buckled like a belt and crumbled like a soft biscuit. Lucy has held everything together (including me), which is impressive as she hates all those things as much as I do. Especially soft biscuits.

A strong woman, that one. Hopefully I'll be able to woman-up in the new year and start handling my shit.

Catchphrase of 2013

"By the same token..."

Fact of 2013

The wingspan of an albatross is much smaller when the bird in question is hiding from the police.

Best Bit from My Review of 2013

"themes"

Prediction for 2014

Oh man, I don't know.

Maybe England will win the World Cup. Stranger things have happened.

Maybe I'll put up the mirror we bought a couple of weeks ago. It was missing its wall fixings, and the ones I bought were too big. But there's a whole world of wall fixings out there. All I need to do is go out there and grab them and pay for them and put them in my pocket.

The only limit to your number of mirrors is how many mirrors you have.

***

I'm glad that it's January tomorrow. This intravenous tinsel isn't as festive as that doctor suggested.

I think he was a doctor... He had a bag with, like, a hundred scalpels in it.

Better The Drivel You Know

I'm a vain man, so I've been going over old reviews of my stand-up. It's not just because I want to pat myself on the trumpet; this is a marketing exercise. Now, when I do future gigs, I can point to this page.

I won't link to this page. I'll point to it.

I think this is the best I can come up with.

"gruffly brilliant" - The Londonist

"cuttingly comic observations" - Oxford Theatre Review

"confident and polished material" - Oxford Theatre Review

"confident and cool, he's the type of comic you want to befriend, whilst simultaneously making you hate yourself" - Cherwell.org

I think I'll get rid of the third one. You don't want two reviews from the same source, unless they're both from the Guardian or Terry Jones. Also, they both begin with "confident" which is repetitive and inaccurate.

The last one is clearly the best, even if it might not be totally grammatically accurate.

***

I'm wearing slippers. Slippers are the future, my friends. They're warmer than socks, but not as constrictive. You can answer the door in slippers. Admittedly, you'll lose a lot of respect from the postman.

"What are you doing here?" he'll say. "And how did you open my front door? It was locked!"

"I made a key!" you'll say, in your slippers. "How about a taste of your own medicine?"

Then you'll give him his mail.

***

In an attempt to keep my momentum going, I'm not going to dwell in any one area for too long.

Here are some words that you see a lot on message boards and comment sections. They tell you a lot about the person writing them.

Dross

If someone describes something as "dross", they invariably have terrible taste.

Drivel

Ditto.

Asinine

People use this term to make themselves sound intelligent, but the only people who use it are desperately insecure about their ability to understand things.

Naff

Using the word 'naff'' is naff, and it was so even back in the early nineties.

Puerile

Nobody with even an ounce of imagination or joy has ever criticised something by saying it is "puerile". It's a term that ten-year-olds use to show their superiority to nine-year-olds.

There are probably more that I'm forgetting. This is important work.

***

FOOTBALL'S ON TONIGHT!

COME ON YOU REDS!

SOUTHAMPTON FOOTBALL CLUB!

COME ON THE GOAL KICKERS!

LET'S BE UP IN DEM DROP-BALLS, YO!

One of Southampton's (many) bright young stars is James Ward-Prowse. He's good at taking free-kicks.

His name is good for chanting. I'd particularly like to hear his name sung to Our House by Madness ("in the middle of our team" perhaps?). This tune was previously used for defender Claus Lundekvam back in the day, so it's a definite possibility.

An outside choice would be the Mighty Mouse theme song (immortalised by Andy Kaufman). It would be a bit complicated. But if he ever won us a game, he genuinely would have saved the day.

But the one I always get stuck in my head is the Simon & Garfunkel song So Long Frank Lloyd Wright.

"So long, James Ward-Prowse..."

It's not ideally suited to a football chant. Chants aren't normally so... wistful. If the Northam stand started singing that, I think the whole team would just feel a bit melancholy. It's not a good motivator.

Also, there's a flute in it. You'd need to have a section of the crowd with flutes, which could be hazards if thrown on to the pitch.

Even if the words were changed to "come on, James Ward-Prowse", I can't see it catching on anywhere beyond my flat.

***

My legs are cold. The slippers can only do so much. I'm going to have to take off some of these ice packs.

It's difficult to know when to finish a blog post. If I force myself to keep writing, I might come up with something amazing. On the other hand, it is my day off. I should be winding down. Genius is exhausting. If I come up with something amazing, I'll be feeling it tomorrow.

It's best to go now. Keep your powder dry, as the coke dealer said to the captain of The Titanic.

Though we all know how that turned out...