Labels

I've finally pulled my finger out of its bejewelled scabbard and done what I should have done a long time ago: re-read and labelled some of my old blog posts.

I've been wanting to do it for a while, because I love the sound of my own typed voice. Also, I've forgotten everything I've written, and I was hoping to rediscover some kind of lost gem that I can repackage as a film pitch or pub chat bon mot.

I was worried that I'd go back and realise that I used to be eloquent and considered. This worry was baseless.

I'm only up to May 2008, but I've already started to grow tired of my own syntax. Now I know how you feel.

Things are starting to improve, but the 2007 Me was quite the douchebag. The three main problems with him are as follows:

Swearing

I used to swear all the time. I like swearing, and will still use it when appropriate, but back then I had no quality control process. I dislike artless swearing. Back in the day, I was throwing expletives around like they were going out of f*****n. I wanted to be Charlie Brooker, I think. I wanted to be angry and close to the knuckle. In retrospect, I sound grumpy and adolescent. Which makes a change from the present day, where I'm defeated and adolescent.

Rape Jokes

I've written before on this topic, so I won't go into it too much. I don't think that describing something as a "rape joke" tells us anything about it. But looking back over these early entries, there a quite a few times where I've used rape as reference point. These are usually part of a hilarious (and not at all hacky and contrived) scenario which illustrates my anger about something innocuous.

Looking back, these make me feel uncomfortable. I don't think any of these references were particularly offensive, but they certainly were unnecessary. I'm offended by these on a comedic, rather than a feminist, level.

Atheism

Man, I used to talk about this a lot. I still have the same beliefs, but I don't seem to go on about it as much. I was a bit crude and heartless (though broadly correct), and could certainly see how some people might think I was an idiot. I think that.

The trouble is, I wrote these entries when I was 24.

It's not like I can write it off as the ramblings of a raging teen. I was a fully-grown man, with his own beard and TV licence. It makes me worry that, in five years' time, I'll find 2012 Me just as annoying.

Maybe it's just part of the evolution of the writer. (And, yes, I am calling myself a "writer" for some reason)

I was probably just so crass because I hadn't figured out how to write yet. I was leaning on crutches whilst my typing legs developed. I wasn't to know that I'd soon be a completely different person: making the same tired observations, but using a synonym for "twat".

Labelling the posts has been quite enlightening. You can label every entry with key words to allow you to search for them. You can see the fruits of my labour at the bottom of the right-hand panel of this page. There's a long list of the various topics I've discussed.

I think the "solipsism" tag may be the most used by the end of this process. It's a redundant one, really. "Boredom" is under-represented at the moment, but I'm sure those statistics will shoot up soon.

"Cannibalism" is another label I'm hoping to add to. As I said, I can remember very little of what I write, so we'll see what turns up. It will be a fun adventure. An adventure in learning about our fellow man by snacking upon his flesh.

I've also modestly labelled some of the posts as "good". These are the ones that might be worth reading, and will possibly be revisited in the Retroscissors feature that I came up with once but didn't follow up.

I'm performing an important task here. These labels will allow people to digest my canon without having to swallow the whole deli counter. If you've always wondered what I thought of seagulls, your prayers have been answered.

I'm going to continue doing this until every last post is labelled or until I stop doing it (whichever comes first).

Hey, I should probably label this post too... How self-reflexive.

Frankfurt.

To the dogs

Let's get this straight.

It is not a dog-eat-dog world.

That is not the kind of world we live in.

Dogs don't eat dogs.

I've never seen it happen. It doesn't happen. Dogs don't eat dogs.

This expression comes from the "there's more than one way to skin a cat" school of proverbs. It's stupid. If you want to illustrate your point about ruthlessness and competition, there are thousands of better examples.

It's an insect-eat-insect world.

Correct.

It's a fish-eat-fish world.

Correct.

It is - on occasion - a monkey-eat-monkey world.

Correct.

It is not a dog-eat-dog world.

Dogs sometimes kill other dogs. But they don't eat them. That's the stupid thing. "It's a dog-kill-dog world" is a phrase that means exactly the same thing, but has the added bonus of being accurate.

If you're illustrating a point, why do it with a lie? It makes you sound untrustworthy.

And you are untrustworthy.

Dogs don't eat dogs.

It's not a dog-eat-dog world.

Dogs may sometimes eat an errant hot-dog. But that's not the same thing, is it?

A hot-dog? The same as a dog? A sausage in a bun - the same as Canis lupus familiaris? You need you're eyes checked. And whilst you're there, get them to check your brain and face.

And if the optician refuses to do so - claiming his optician training restricts his knowledge to the eyes and eye accessories - tell him that you confused a processed meat product with a domestic animal. He will try to help. He will pity you.

I pity you.

It's an I-pity-you world. Put that on your bumper-sticker, you son of a bitch.

***

I'm in a good mood today.

Pigskin

I don't really get the fuss about cannibalism.

Once someone's dead, they're dead. What does it matter who digests the flesh? It's either us or the worms.

If you kill someone with the intention of eating them, that's bad. Killing people is bad. I don't hesitate in saying that. Killing is unequivacably wrong. Definitely.

But I don't know why there is such a big taboo over eating people. Maybe it's just that we taste bad. But there doesn't seem to be the same stigma attached to eating fennel. It doesn't make much sense.

When I was a kid, I got quite freaked out by the trailer to Alive. But nowadays, I'd be quite willing (not happy mind you, I'd probably be quite shocked by the plane crash and corpses), once everything had sunk in, to eat a bit of human mince. Unless my victim had tattoos. They might taste all inky like an octopus.

Not that I've ever eaten octopus. That would be disgusting.

***

It's the Superbowl tonight!

I thnk I may stay up to watch it, as it's on BBC and won't have adverts every eight seconds. I'm not sure what they'll do to fill the time, as the Superbowl is generally 85% commercials, 6% preposterous half-time glitz, 3% instant replays and the odd bit of armoured trolls running into each other at speed. Maybe everytime the game goes to commercial, it will cut back to someone in the BBC studio (someone who never watched the sport before this week and seems out of place, like Ray Stubbs) and they can explain to everyone why the game is supposed to be exciting.

I don't mean t be pessimistic. I think American Football is really fun to watch. As I've discussed before, it's made for people with short attention spans, which makes it frenetic and brutal, like a drive-by punching.

I have a fondness for American Football, as I remember staying up very late watching it at University with my friend James, for no good reason, other than we had nothing better to do. It's a bit like Laurel and Hardy which we used to watch to avoid working.

If you are putting something off, everything else becomes incredibly interesting.

So tonight, when I should be getting a good night's sleep to allow for a productive job search this week, I'll be staying up all night, drinking jasmine tea, in my pants, watching Ray Stubbs shrugging.

My prediction: Patriots will win. I'm supporting them because I've lived in England all my life and I've only been to York once.