The Big Idea

You can all relax. I've made the discovery that will make me rich and famous.

It's quite a relief. I've spent years searching for the 'big idea' that will earn me millions.

This blog has proved to be something of a financial cul-de-sac. My naan bread-based takeaway Naan Of The Above never really took off (I don't know how to make naan bread).

But finally - FINALLY - the answer to my prayers is here. This idea with garner a lot of media attention. I'm not saying I'm going to be the next Matt Groening, but I do have a beard and a certain level of genius.

So. Here it is.

The Bike Brigade

They're a group of bicycle-themed superheroes. They fight crime using various bikey powers. Their enemies might be cars or pedestrians or something. Or pollution. I haven't really thought about it.

I'm not 100% sold on the name. 'The Bike Brigade' seems a bit lame. If anyone has any suggestions for a better one, I'll cut you in for six percent of the profits.

But the members of the Brigade (or 'BB' for short) as as impressive as the group name isn't.

Members:

Peddler

Founder, financial backer and driving force of the Bike Brigade. Peddler is a nonagenarian who fought crime in the old days (i.e. pre-1980), riding a penny-farthing. Now too old to make a difference, he's set up a new generation to continue his legacy.

Peddler is bedridden, but is still able to operate complicated pedalo-style machinery with his powerful legs. He's probably avenging something, but no-one really cares what.

The Spokesman

The leader of the group. The Spokesman is an eloquent orator, and has the power to control spokes. He can probably shoot them out of his hands. In fact, his hands are made of spokes. He's classy, professional, but has a certain wry charm. Possible catchphrase: "There's nowt so queer as spokes". (He's a gay Yorkshireman)

Vandalbars

Randal "The Vandal" Bandalbars was a troubled teenager from a broken home. He took his frustrations out on the windows, bus shelters and pensioners of his run-down neighbourhood. But the law finally caught up with him, and put him in the stocks (they still do that in Scotland). But they trapped him between two sets (sets?) of stocks, so his arms were outstretched in a T-shape. Left there too long, his arms are now permanently outstretched - JUST LIKE A PAIR OF HANDLEBARS.

But the punishment changed his outlook. Now he must cope with his arm curse and use his hooligan skills to fight crime, all the time also fighting against his rebellious impulses.

Belle

A beautiful metallic robot, who tinkles delightfully to alert people to her presence. Belle was created by a a mad twee scientist who also created the sleeping kitten grenade and flutterscotch (a cross between butterflies and whisky).

Belle turned on her evil master and joined the Bike Brigade's noble cause (whatever it turns out to be). Belle is relentlessly pleasant, to the point of making her a really dull character. But she sure is sexy!

Saddlesaur

On an early BB mission, one of Peddler's time machines accidentally took them back to prehistoric times. On returning home, they found a stowaway - a dinosaur with a head shaped like a saddle. Taking this as a good omen, Saddlesaur was formally invited to join the team.

Saddlesaur is fast and hugely powerful, but she's not too quick on the uptake. She's a dinosaur. They're not that bright by today's standards.

Tyra

Tyra made her name as the meanest professional wrestler in the Dakotas. With her tyre-style girth, she is nearly invulnerable to pain. Looking for more exciting challenges, she's joined up with the BB to kick arse and grip the road. She's African-American, sassy, and has a furious temper. But, to make sure this isn't too patronising or reductive, she also has a PhD in physics.

(For those keeping track at home, suggesting that a PhD is somehow incongruous with being sassy and black, is itself incredibly offensive. But writing this little disclaimer shows that I'm aware of it, freeing me up with more appalling stereotypes later on.)

Dick Chainey

On a tour of a munitions plant, former US Vice President Dick Cheney masturbated whilst thinking about all the foreigners that would be killed by the weapons all around him. His semen (which possesses demonic properties, not yet understood by medicine) fell through a grate and landed on a harmless inanimate bike chain.

However, the strange properties of Cheney's malevolent fluid somehow fused with the atoms in the chain, granting it sentience. The chain, now able to take humanoid form, is a metallic clone of Cheney, but the purity of the metal keeps the evil locked away. Christening himself Dick Chainey, this new hero uses his chain-based powers to fight evil with the Bike Brigade, all the while keeping the dark, evil, Republican, side of his character hidden from his team-mates.

Headquarters:

A bike shed somewhere.

Transport:

I can't decide if they all combine into a giant bike (Power Rangers-style), or if they ride separate bikes. They can't really have a car, can they? It would muddy the waters of their message (whatever that is).

***

So, what do you think?

I think we should go straight to a Saturday-morning cartoon series. We'll merchandise the HELL out of it (every child in the Western world will want a Dick Chainey action figure).

Also, as it's advocating cycling (important for maintaining a healthy bike physique), we can have them advertised in schools. We can have people dressed as the BB giving talks on bike safety.

Eventually, I'm sure Michael Bay will be interested in a movie. I'm already casting it in my head.

Its great to finally get this out there! I suppose I might be busy buying houses and whatnot with my vast royalties, so if I don't post for a while, that's why. Keep a look out for me in Forbes.

And remember: you heard it here first!

Gloop

Well, here it is: August.

The Big A. The Auger. Lord Gust. Gustavo Poyet. The Gamechanger. The Worldbreaker. The month of months.

At least that's how it seems.

Edinburgh is nearly upon us, and the goose is getting fat (but funny fat).

I'm going to be doing a show called This Is What You Get with three fellow comedians (Alex Clissold-Jones, John Spira and Tom Greeves). We're performing at the Banshee Labyrinth in Edinburgh from 7-17th. And we have two Oxford previews this coming week.

I'm feeling my normal combination of physical nerves and mental confidence. It's not particularly comforting.

I'll try to regularly update this blog when I'm in Edinburgh (depending on online availability). I've never performed at the festival before, been to the festival before, been to Edinburgh before, been to Scotland before, or left my flat before. So I'm relying on my companions to be my guide through this alien world. I'm like a naive hobbit on some unknown quest. My feet are quite hairy too.

I'm going to be doing a lot of new material this week. I know I should really work on finding and honing ten great minutes, but I keep getting bored with my old ideas, and am eager to try new ones.

I've come up with a couple of pieces of material today, which I may try. And I might throw in a few of my Twitter jokes. I worry that I don't have a consistent style yet (part anecdotal, part surreal, part one-liners; ALL disappointing), but I suppose that's what Edinburgh is for. It will be a real experience to perform every night for eleven nights.

I'm also looking forward to seeing some of the famous sights Edinburgh has to offer. I'd like to see at least most of the following:

- The Tartan Mound
- Furbrenies
- The Ankles
- The William Wallace Toxic Dance Quartet
- an elk
- a man smoking a cigarette
- Dublin
- a fight between two different Anne Franks, from two different plays about Anne Frank
- some acorns
- wee (Scottish for "urine")
- many hogs
- a confrontational leaflet
- longbread
- The Anticlaimers (the Proclaimers' Evil Quadruplets)
- Debbie Harry
- my own navel

Obviously, time won't permit all of them. I'm not Superman, despite what my driver's license says in crayon.

Right, I might go and work on my act. (I have some cracking material about how different men and women are!) Or I might just read a comics message board and listen to Tim Buckley.

But who can say?

I'm not Professor X, despite what it says on my homemade T-shirt in crayon.

Random Wiki Nuggets II

Here we go! Another instalment of Random Wiki Nuggets.

Despite the fact that it reclaims the proper use of 'random' from every blonde-haired puffy-jumpered private school princess in the world (to whom a chance encounter with a baker, or a fatal car accident, can be labelled 'random'), I don't like that name.

[That was an unwieldy and unpleasant sentence. I could go back and edit it, but there isn't time. I could die in the next few minutes of sheer excitement.]

Does anybody have any ideas for naming this feature?

That's right. It's a feature. Or an item. It's content. Like what professional entertainers do.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, congratulations.

A couple of weeks ago, I was out of ideas, so decided to write something based on randomly generated Wikipedia articles. It was such a success, it generated literally zeroes of comments.

But what to call it? Random Wiki Nuggets sounds bad.

Here are a few possible new names:

- Wiki Roulette

- Randomination

- The Inspiration Generator

- Unimaginative and Dull Headscissors Last Resort

- Edgar

Or none of the above.

Anyway, on with the fun. As I said before, there's no cheating - I must write something based on the randomly generated article that comes up.

Let's see what we have.

Our first entry is:

RTÉ Libraries and Archives

I was going to write an insulting dialogue about Irish libraries and archives consisting mainly of things written on potatoes. But that would be offensive.

I'm more offended that anyone would include an acute accent in an abbreviation. It's ridiculous. I can only assume that the accent symbolises a rainbow, and the E represents a POT OF GOLD.

That's right! A leprechaun joke! Ahahahaha. I'm willing to malign a whole nation based purely on a terrible random Wikipedia article.

Interesting fact: the troubles in Northern Ireland were never based on religion, politics, or social conflict. They were merely an attempt to re-negotiate the go-to stereotype of Ireland from 'leprechauns eating potatoes' to 'terrorists'

I think it worked.

If it was a more interesting article related to Ireland, I might have included a discussion of its beautiful countryside, or the literary genius of Swift, Joyce and Wilde.

But it isn't interesting. It's an ugly abbreviation of something no-one knows about. So I'm resorting to appalling stereotypes. When faced with a challenge, I lash out like a taxi driver.

***

Not a good start. Maybe my luck will improve. Let's throw a horseshoe at a clown, and see which organs we break!

Our second entry is:

Jack Selier

I think we need the photo to help with this one.



John P. "Jack" Seiler is the Mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

He got his nickname 'Jack', partly because he emulated John F Kennedy (he was born the year Kennedy was shot), and partly because he is a superhero.

He can harness the power of the jackhammer to drill holes.

In his masked identity, he is known as Jackhammer: Vibrating Defender of the People.

(The 'P' in his name stands for 'pneumatic')

His superpower isn't that useful. Sometimes, he drills a hole in front of fleeing criminals, but it takes a while. They usually have enough warning to just walk around the hole.

Most criminals try to escape via boat. Jackhammer sometimes drills holes in their boats. But he has to be on the boat first. And he doesn't usually think that far ahead.

It's difficult being a superhero and mayor. He is obliged to keep presenting himself with the key to the city. And he already has the key to the city. Because he's the mayor.

He now has hundreds of replica keys. Which can't be very safe. If one was to fall into the wrong hands, the criminal would be able to sneak into Fort Lauderdale and steal oranges, homosexuals and Everglade fan-boats.

***

Ok, one more. Let's give one more yank to the one-armed bandit.

Oh good grief. The third entry is:


Ninth Federal Electoral District of the Federal District (IX Distrito Electoral Federal del Distrito Federal)
Zorro: Well?

El Santo: Yes, signor. We are waiting.

Penélope Cruz: Yes, what are we all doing here?

Me: Alright. I owe you an explanation. You see, there's nothing even remotely interesting in that article. So I thought I'd just throw something together with some Mexican icons.

Zorro: *sigh* Why must you constantly rely on stereotypes?

Penélope Cruz: Also, I'm Spanish, not Mexican. Did you even do the basic research?

El Santo: And no-one even knows who I am outside Mexico. You had to link to my Wikipedia article, which confuses the premise of this whole entry.

Me: Yes, I suppose so. But perhaps I can have you all voice these concerns in the sketch, thus pre-empting any criticism with a certain postmodern charm.

El Santo: No. This will be both boring and stupid. You've insulted the Mexican people by relying on three archetypes: one dead, one fictional, and one not even Mexican.

Me: I'm sorry. Hey, Penélope! Does the acute accent in your name mean you're part Irish?

Penélope Cruz: A callback isn't going to get you out of this one, you son of a bitch. Santo will hit you with a plancha, Zorro will carve a 'z' in your back, and I'll crush your balls with some castanets and pour tapas in your eyes.


How ironic that you, the most offensive purveyor of stereotypes, will be killed in such a stereotypical manner.


Me: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you here. It was like a red rag to a bull!

[BUT THE EXPECTED ANGRY RESPONSE NEVER COMES. THEY HAVE ALL FALLEN ASLEEP FOR THEIR REGULAR SIESTA.

I STRIDE AWAY SHAMELESSLY, RIDING A DONKEY, MY SOMBRERO SHIELDING ME FROM THE AFTERNOON SUN.]

***
So, another edition of Edgar passes uncomfortably.

I don't know if it was a good idea, but I think we've all learned an important lesson.