!!~~POST #400 - TITANIC LANDMARK DONNYBROOK~~!!

Can you believe it? It's that time again!

If you're new to this blog, I celebrate every 100 posts with the ultimate self-indulgent splurge. To heighten the arrogance of the endeavour, I bookend each anniversary with a hilarious doctored picture of myself, done expertly on Paint. I think I've outdone myself this year.

For the previous milestones, see the links below:

Post #100
Post #200
Post #300

I'm not going to re-read them, so if I repeat myself, I apologise. Hopefully I haven't been too repetitive in this blog so far. Of course, I've hammered certain topics to death (and certain people, but let's forget about that). But I've tried not to be too derivative of myself.

What's more, I've really tried not to be too derivative of myself.

Ho-ho.

The thing is, I have similar ideas floating around in my brain-ether, so occasionally my thoughts will erupt forth in familiar forms.

Usually, I'll struggle to fill this bumper-sized entry, but luckily some things have happened to me! I know - I'm as surprised as you are (but not quite as surprised as my hammer-victims)!

***

I took part in a stand-up competition on Monday night. I didn't go through to the next round. Obviously, I was disappointed but reasonably pleased with how I performed.

I've said that to a lot of people, and am worried that I sound like I'm hiding some deep trauma caused by my failure. I don't think I am. Or if I am, it's really very deep indeed.

It was in a pub in Earls Court (apostrophe? - no thank you, I'm driving). The audience was small and quite quiet, which made for a bit of a hard night. Of course, all the acts faced the same difficulties, and in fact a quiet crowd doesn't hamper me as much as some others (as I don't require a lot of energy or crowd participation).

(Twice there I originally mistyped 'crowd' as 'crown'. The Earl's influence, perhaps?)

Anyway, I was happy with some ad libs, and am reasonably satisfied with the judges' decisions. All the other competitors were good, but no-one was spectacular.

I'm actually quite happy that I don't have to face the stress of another competition. I'm not good at handling the pre-gig nerves. It's not a rational thing - I'm never consciously afraid that I'll bomb. But my body seems to get nervous for me, and I'm all tensed up. But then again, I feel tense when I have to meet a friend for coffee.

I just must not be good at dealing with any situation that doesn't involve me sitting in my dressing gown, drinking tea.

***

Another slightly interesting thing happened to me yesterday.

If you've read this blog for a while, or seen me do stand-up, you might recognise this joke:

I spent all day reading a book about an immortal dog.

Couldn't put it down.

It has been a mainstay of my act for a while. Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that a comedian called Stephen Grant had tweeted the same joke, and it had been re-tweeted by quite a few people.

Now obviously, it was just a co-incidence (my blog's reach is limited in quantity, if not quality). It just happened to be the same joke. But I was a bit annoyed at having lost it.

So I tweeted, including Grant's twitter id, which meant he could see it:

My immortal dog joke has been done by @stephencgrant! I'll retire it, I suppose. Great minds think alike!

Almost immediately, he very generously tweeted to all his followers:

Just found my immortal dog joke was done previously by @diamondbadger: (http://tinyurl.com/yzpumzp). Props where props are due. :)

I felt like a real dick. I would have, even if he hadn't responded.

There was no reason for me to tell him about it. My having thought of it didn't invalidate his joke. I'd be really annoyed if someone pointed out that I'd unwittingly copied one of their jokes.

It didn't help him, it didn't help me, it just made me seem petty. He shouldn't have had to tweet that, but I'd forced his hand.

I'm not going to do the joke again anyway, so I should have stayed silent.

I suppose I just felt a bit panicky about one of my creations (albeit a slightly rubbish pun-based creation) slipping through my fingers.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

***

Here's an extremely odd Hot Chip video, directed by the annoyingly-talented Peter Serafinowicz:



***

For podcast fans (well, fans of our podcast), I thought it was foolish of me not to embed the film trailer we dissected in podcast 2. If you'd like to watch along, it is below. Even if you didn't hear the 'cast, the trailer is entertaining in its own right. I think Pure Luck DVD sales will go through the roof (possibly causing Martin Short to crash through a window and land rectum-first on a bronze rhinoceros).



***

For a while, I wanted to write a radio sitcom about a time-travelling temping agency. I think the idea may have come from my friend James.

I've just had a look through some old documents. I started it FOUR TIMES. I still think it has potential, but I seem to have given up quite quickly on each attempt. This is the best one (sorry for the funny formatting):

Temp
by
Paul Fung

OFFICE

F/X: TYPING, BACKROUND CHATTER AND PHONECALLS. GENERAL OFFICE NOISE.

JANE: Right, you say on your CV that you’re an excellent communicator.

CHRIS: Hmm? Oh. Mmm... that’s... yep, I’m – uh – certainly... Um, y’know not – um – that’s pretty much what, um.. I – I mean, no that’s t-t-that’s absolutely ... that’s – that’s right.

JANE: Right.

CHRIS: Yep.

JANE: Just to help us paint a picture, could you give me an example of when you’ve worked as part of a team.

CHRIS: Oh right. Part of a team. Well, yeah, in one of my previous positions I worked as part of a sort-of very close-knit team. We were all very much together. There was – actually something of a familial vibe. My supervisor was actually married to another employee. It was an interesting challenge because he could – y’know – stretch his body to almost any length. And she could turn invisible.
(BEAT)
At the time I, uh, had the ability to *cough* combust at will.

JANE: I... see.
(BEAT)
I...um. Are you talking about the Fantastic Four?

CHRIS: Yes! How did you...?

JANE: The superhero team. The fictional superhero team.

CHRIS: Ohhh. Yeah. Actually, that’s right. That must be what I’m...

JANE: You weren’t actually part of the Fantastic Four, were you?

CHRIS: Um, no. (BEAT) No, I wasn’t.

(LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE)

JANE: So, your IT skills seem to be excellent.

CHRIS: IT skills! Yes. Really, really – just good. Um, good IT skills.

JANE: Now you realise that most of the time periods we deal with are sort-of pre-1950. So IT usage will be limited.

CHRIS: Oh, no, that’s fine. I mean, I do spend a lot of time on various software... programmes and so on, but equally I spend a lot of time... not.

JANE: Ok, now let me tell you a little bit about what we do. No doubt you’ve visited our website?

CHRIS: Of course. (AFFECTING BAD AMERICAN ACCENT) “Kellerman Temporal Recruitment Agency: If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing any time!”

JANE: Indeed. Well, we offer a range of temporary positions throughout the entirety of human history (and we get a few pre-humanity jobs, but they’re not too common). Are there any time periods you’d be particularly interested in?

CHRIS: Ooh. Um, the Sixties?

JANE: (CHUCKLING) They always say the Sixties. If I had a pound for every time someone came in here offering to mop up Jim Morrison’s vomit...

CHRIS: Well, I wasn’t... I mean, I’m happy just doing – data entry.

JANE: Well, we’ll discuss that later. Let me just enter you onto our system.
(BEAT)
Oh, excellent. You’re on our system already. That’s lucky, as we’re not actually recruiting at the moment.

CHRIS: How am I on your system?

JANE: Oh, you must have registered some other time.

CHRIS: Oh. This is pretty confusing.

JANE: Don’t worry, you got used to it.

CHRIS: You mean I’ll ‘get’ used to it?

JANE: Temporal semantics can be a trial. But we’ve got that to look forward to, so let’s put it behind us. Hours?

CHRIS: I’m sorry?

JANE: What hours would you like to work?

CHRIS: Is there any scope for flexitime?

JANE: (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) Oh, Chris. Always the funny one!


It ends there. Maybe there's scope for something more there. Feedback, anyone?

(I like to give a shout-out to any microphones that may be reading)

***

Ooh, I just caught this from Post #300:

It's odd to have a dialogue with my past self. I suppose it's not really a dialogue - just an extended monologue. But when different parts of a monologue collide, it creates a whole new conversation. And given that time isn't an absolute linear construct, and I'm reacting to myself and anticipating myself, I think we can classify it as a dialogue. It's a solipsistic metaphysical chat, where we're both simultaneously bored and fascinated by each other.

Isn't that right, Post #400 Paul?

Yes. Yes it is.

Post #500 Paul - are you wearing a hat?

***

Right. I think that's enough to justify the caps lock title. I still think this entry is missing something.

Oh yes! More of my face. Cheerio - here's to another hundred!