The Portfolio

I've always considered myself an ideas man. 

Ideas come quickly to me. That's not arrogance. It's not even a conscious thing. I'm just a conduit - a lightning conductor for genius. It's not talent, just a natural phenomenon. Like a really tall man, or someone born with feet ideally suited to raking leaves.

Admittedly, I'm not so good when it comes to the execution of said ideas. I don't even try. I have no practical skills, no drive, no contacts, no track record. But the ideas are there.

On Twitter, I'm particularly fond of pitching ideas for films, sitcoms, quiz shows, reality shows.  I could be the new Endemol. Or Baby Cow. Or one of the other production companies that exist, which I've definitely heard of.

I think I might form my own production company. Of course, someone else will have to take care of the "production" side of things. As I said, products are not my forte. But there's one thing I can produce: POSSIBILITIES.

I just need to decide on a name. I've used Mick Stmedia Productions on here before. I like that. Mick Stmedia isn't my real name. But Steve Coogan's real name isn't Baby Cow. To the best of my knowledge.

The other company name I like is Productio Ad Absurdum. It might be a bit too clever, though. My target audience will almost certainly be idiots.

Maybe I should use both. It would imply there was some kind of glorious merger. I could be a conglomerate. I don't know the technical definition of a conglomerate, but I like the word. Especially "glom".

So this entry will document the ideas I've put forward so far. We'll be able to identify themes, capture any lost gems and stuff all the brilliance into one handy lump. I can send executives a link to this entry, and they'll probably offer me work immediately.

I imagine 80% of these will have aired by the end of the year.

Mick Stmedia Productions/Productio Ad Absurdum

Presents

Films

Film Pitch: CIGARFIELD - Sarcastic cat franchise reboot. Garfield (voiced by Andrew Garfield) is slowly smoked by a lasagna magnate.

-

Film Pitch: KARAOKE KARADOKE - Carrie O'Quay is forced to carry a dough key, to open some sort of bread lock. A musical.

-

Film Pitch: BOOM AND BUST - Road movie featuring Basil Brush and a buxom actress breaking the sound barrier and declaring bankruptcy.

-

Film Pitch: DRIVING MYTH DAISY - A cow tells increasingly dubious motoring anecdotes (e.g. traffic lights don't apply to the Norse).

-

Film Pitch: HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID - Adam Sandler plays his own son who's also a goat. Bogart is digitally added as laconic sheep.

-

Film Pitch: MONEY TALKS - Amy Adams plays Honey "Money" Tunney, a green-faced mute, taught diction by Ben Franklin.

-

Film Pitch: I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF - Arianna Huffington, Puff Daddy (circa 1997) and a magic dragon get shirty when confronted by a wolf.

-

Film Pitch: VENTRILOSCHISM - Ventriloquist creates a wacky new character whose mouth is a tear in the Earth's crust. Learns to be himself.

-

Film Pitch: GARY - Gareth 'Gary' Garner is an average Joe, but an above-average Gary. Romance subplot - ghosts?

-

Film Pitch: SMARTPHONE - A new smartphone is invented that's TOO smart. Misunderstandings, subway chase, Ryan Reynolds. (Ghosts?)

-

Film Pitch: THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN 2: DUBIOUS HILLOCK - self-explanatory.

-

Film Pitch: THE FRAGRANT VAGRANT. A homeless man overcomes prejudice and forms his own organic perfume company. Ryan Reynolds to star.

-

Film Pitch: WELL, DUH! - Mel De Gelder becomes a sarcastic welder. Obviously.

-

Film Pitch: OPEN MIKE - Michael 'Mike' Rophone is an aspiring comedian. Doctors are unable to sew him up after surgery. His gigs improve.

-

Film Pitch: CON-FUSION - Two convicted criminals are stuck together due to radiation or something, and struggle to fill out forms.

-

Film Pitch: HORSE - a moving drama about a horse, includes other horses, horses running, hooves, manes, an arrogant horse character(?). 

-

Notes:

Lots to get your teeth into there. I would say most of these have commercial appeal. Maybe not the welding one. The important thing is that I'm able to suggest ideas for a number of genres. I don't want to be pigeon-holed. 'SMARTPHONE' seems the most boring, and thus has the most chance of being a success.

--

Horror

Horror Film Pitch: OMEGABITES. People get killed whilst eating letter-based potatoes. Whatever you do, don't spell d-e-a-t-h.

-

Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I'm not crazy, I'm just axey dent prone! AHAHAHAHA!" (The killer has an axe. Which makes dents in things)

-

Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I'm not crazy, I'm just working on some DIEalogue! AHAHAHAHA!" (The killer is a screenwriter. A bad one.)

-

Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I hope.. grr.. something really.. awful happens to you. I hope you get injured." (The killer is unimaginative)

-

Notes:

An off-shoot of the film division here. The top pitch is based on popular 80s frozen letter-shaped potato products Alphabites. I'm not sure if this has a broad enough appeal, to be honest. But the dialogue speaks for itself (as all dialogue should). These lines could be inserted into any film or family conversation.

-- 

Quiz Shows

Quiz Show Pitch: THE QUARRY - 10 contestants, 1 quarry, and some kind of jeopardy. I don't know, maybe there could be some kind of bomb?

-

Quiz Show Pitch: FENCE - Contestants try to force their faces through a wire mesh fence whilst I ask them about the Crimea.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: ACORNS AND PAINCORNS - War of squirrel attrition, jeering public places bets, they lose homes/families. Host = giant nut.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: EXHUME ROBERT MITCHUM - two teams are given spades and withering looks in the Arizona sun.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: WHICH WITCH WATCH? - Contestants attempt to identify occult timepieces, and avoid burning in Hell for all eternity.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: PASS THE PARCEL - Everyone's favourite party game - but with a twist. Every parcel is an onion. AN ONION!

-

Quiz Show Pitch: METAQUIZ - Join contestants in betting on who will win other - more successful - quiz shows.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: BONEMARROW WHEELBARROW - A bit like It's a Knockout, but with serious consequences for expectant patients.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: COUNT YOUR FINGERS AND TOES WHILST WE THREATEN YOUR CHILDREN - Alexander Armstrong to host.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: WHISK - a mix of card game 'whist', board game 'Risk' and kitchen utensil 'whisk'. The stakes are high, as is the meringue.

-

Quiz Show Pitch: WHAT'S THAT? Seven contestants of different nationalities try to determine what a particular thing is.

-  

Notes:

Very strong selection here. In fact, I'd go so far to say that every single one of these is better than every single quiz show on television.

--

Sitcoms

Sitcom Pitch: SOME MOTHERS DON'T 'AVE 'EM - Madcap slapstick set in a poorly-run fertility clinic. A foetus Michael Crawford sings the theme

-

Sitcom Pitch: HAROLD RAMIS: SEAMSTRESS - Harold Ramis (playing himself) becomes a seamstress. No laughter track.

-

Sitcom Pitch: LUNG AT HEART - A human heart (played by Chris Klein) discovers he's adopted, and must live with his lung-lost twin brother!

-

Sitcom Pitch: OOH, GET HERCULES! An offensive, homophobic, 70s-style laugh-fest, where Gay Herc undergoes many tasks (fixing boiler etc).

-

Sitcom Pitch: MY EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND UNCLES - A hapless college drop-out is forced to live with an unrealistic number of wacky relatives.

-

Notes:

I'm surprised I haven't come up with more of these. Some of these seem a bit dated, but LUNG AT HEART has Emmy written all over it.

--

Reality Shows

Reality TV Pitch: PELICAN CROSSING - The day-to-day workings of a Pelican crossing. Meet regular crossers and discover their button secrets.

-

Reality Show Pitch: MAN-TO-MAN MAR-KING - Down-on-his-luck footballer Marlon King makes gay porn, with the results offensive to everyone.

-

Reality Show Pitch: INSIDE BRITAIN'S A - What goes on inside the 'A' of Britain (upper-case). Are there people in there? Weird if there was.

-

Not-Exploitative Sensitive Reality TV Documentary Pitch: THE MAN WHOSE FOOT LOOKS LIKE A BAT - probably the animal, but I dunno.

-

Reality TV Pitch: ORKNEYS OR BUST (speaks for itself)

-

Notes:

I don't really like reality television. But I know that they are fashionable right now (or at least, they were the last time I checked - 2002). 

-- 

Detective/Crime

Detective Show Pitch: LAMPSHADE - Uriah Lampshade is a detective who plays by his own rules. Is a lampshade. Solves crimes, mainly glare and moths.

-

Detective Show Pitch: DIAGNOSIS: GIRDER - A bit like House, but the answer always relates to girders. Dick Van Dyke wears a helmet.

-

Detective Novel Pitch: CLUES TO A CRIME - A detective (private) analyses clues and incidents to solve crime. Wears hat. Romance subplot.

-

Notes:

I threw in the novel pitch in this section, as it can easily be adapted for TV. I can picture all of these in my head already. But that's no use for the public at large. These must be made!

--

Prank Shows

Prank Show Pitch: CANDIDE CAMERA - Voltaire films members of the public being hopelessly naive.

-

Prank Show Pitch: NET LOSS - Justin Lee Collins steals a fisherman's equipment, clothes and boat, and laughs and laughs and laughs.

-

Notes:

This section includes my most high-brow and most low-brow ideas. I don't like prank shows either. But people love to watch the anguish of others.

--

Other Television 

TV Show Pitch: HOLMES UNDER THE HAMMER - The famous detective is pinned under the parachute-pants of... Oh, you get the idea.

-

Drama Series Pitch: BREAKING BABS - A bald Barbara Windsor learns how to make crystal meth.

-

Cookery Show Pitch: SORBET OF PIGS - a refreshing pork-based dessert is cooked by animatronic JFK/Castro puppets. Cold war? You bet!

-

Documentary Pitch: OVER THE RAINBOW - We follow several people who used to really like rainbows, but now find them a bit 'meh'.

-

New Documentary Sub-Genre Ideas: FLOCKUMENTARY (birds), TICKTOCKUMENTARY (pendulums), BAROQUMENTARY (Caravaggio), DOCUMENTARY (doctors).

-

Notes:

These ones don't fit into any of the other categories. I don't know... are they... maybe a bit too specific? I'm probably just being overly-critical. I'd like to see Werner Herzog make OVER THE RAINBOW. And the puppet one.

--

Products

Product Pitch: CRABSINTHE - Bohemian shellfish liqueur.

-

Medical Equipment Pitch: STEPHOSCOPE - Listen to the internal noises of all Stephanies or Stephens. But not Stevens. Let them die.

-

Kitchenware Pitch: THATCHULA - a thatched spatula, for a rustic food-serving experience. Comes with free fire blanket.

-

Kitchenware Pitch: SIEVE TYLER - A sieve in the shape of Liv Tyler. For specific baking.

-

New Product Idea: A concrete block you can use to save your place when in line at the supermarket. I call it the STANLEY QUEUE BRICK.

-

New Product Idea: CERANADE - A romantic soft drink, flavoured with extract of actor Michael Cera. Gawky and delicious!

-

Product idea: DOUBLE-UNICYCLE - Two unicycles connected with a frame for added stability.

-

Notes:

I'm not just about media. I also have great ideas for household products, as you can see. I'm sure I came up with spin-off of the STANLEY QUEUE BRICK - a sleeping bag for when you're in line to use the toilet. I called it JOHN CUSACK'S JOHN QUEUE SACK. But I can't find any record of it. Maybe I imagined it...

--

Miscellaneous

New Character Pitch: MEL ODIOUS. Stinking opera singer.

-

New Superhero Idea: AD INFINITUM. Adam Infinitum constantly travels back in time to grant his past self the power of time travel.

-

New Charity Idea - Race for Life offshoot: SCARRED FOR LIFE. Just me in a tent with a money-box and a scalpel. Colour scheme: bandages.

-

One-Man Play Pitch: SÉAMUS LAST WORDS - Séamus Last is about to die (mountain lion?) & must decide who to phone to say goodbye (low battery)

-

Animal Pitch: COG - a cross between a cat and a cog.

-

Notes:

A few extra ideas here. Could possibly be workshopped into something. Not sure who to send the new animal idea to. Has anyone got God's email address?

***

Well, I think that's pretty much it. If anyone would like to offer me a job, please do so. I'll be keeping an eye out in case any of these are stolen. Remember, this blog is a binding copyright.

I think.

I asked someone who looked like a lawyer, and he didn't give me a strong no.

If you'd like to help me develop these further, I'll be more than happy to consider offers.

Seeing these all written down in one place... it's quite inspiring, I have to say. I hope you've found the experience just as invigorating.

Cheerio.

A Billion Eyes

I'm multi-tasking.

I don't think that needs a hyphen. But it doesn't really matter - I'm multi-tasking and multitasking simultaneously.

I'm currently listening to a David Ackles album, watching two FA Cup matches and writing these words (for example, the word I'm writing NOW, is "now").

I tend to do several things at once. I'm sure I've discussed this before. Maybe I'll check my previous posts (why not add another activity to the pile?). But what to search for? "Tasking"?

"Tasking" yielded no results. And "multi" produced nothing relevant. I'm sure that can't be right.

Anyway, I like to have things to occupy my eyes, ears, hands and brain. Sometimes I'll play Freecell whilst listening to music, or play the guitar whilst watching television, or fiddle whilst watching Rome burn (on Youtube).

I think it's probably because I'm AMAZING.

So I'm writing this.

The Ackles album has finished, so I'll put something else on.

I've chosen a John Peel compilation thing on Spotify. This song is by The Misunderstood. I don't know who they are.

I'm watching the football on our picture-in-picture feature. Or "PIP". That's what it's called on our remote: PIP.

I don't like to call it that. I prefer to call it juxtapovision.

Not really. But I will from now on.

Though technically, this isn't PIP. It's PAP (picture-alongside-picture?). It means both channels are equally sized, and I can enjoy both games.

By which I mean I can not really follow either of them properly, and can only see them small. It's basically an unpleasant experience all round.

At least the music is good.

And the blog writing, of course.

This should give you a flavour of my evening. It's exhausting and fulfilling.

Ooh, Tim Hardin's just come on! Good work, Peel.

I really wish I'd listened to John Peel's radio show more often when he was alive. I did listen sometimes, but I really think I would love it now. And he selfishly had to go and die.

It taught me an important lesson about taking nothing for granted, and appreciating the fleetingness of life.

Which is why I'm watching two FA Cup games, listening to music and writing a blog post, all at the same time. Making the best of my existence.

***

I don't know why I put those asterisks there. I suppose I thought I was going down a blind alley, and that the asterisks might burst their way through the brickwork and create a path to the Elysian Fields or an all-night Toys R Us.

Adam Buxton (of Adam and Joe fame) has put together a great playlist of music videos on Youtube. He does a live show called BUG where he discusses cool videos, and this is the online version.

I thought I'd post a couple of my favourites here. I don't know if people ever watch the videos I put on here, or if they always skip over them.

I should put together some kind of survey. It would be marketing research on my readership. Questions could be something like:

Q1: When Paul rambles on for a few paragraphs about something you don't understand, do you find it:
a) Fantastic
b) Educational
c) Edutastic
f) "Like the height of The Beatles"

Q2: When Paul posts an embedded video, do you:
a) Skip over it in search of more PaulWords
b) Watch it avidly
c) Stop EVERYTHING

Q3: When Paul posts an imaginary survey, do you find it:
a) An amusing experiment in form
b) A welcome means by which to communicate
c) Impossible to participate in - thus useless

I'll do a full list soon (no more than ten pages or so). Then I'll be able to really give the people what they want.

That reminds me of a joke I once wrote:

Q:How do you find out about oxygen?
A: Question air.

AAHAHAHAHA

(ie Questionnaire. They're spelled differently, but sound similar, you see. That's why the joke works so well)

I got sidetracked.

Videos!

This is really odd, quite disturbing, catchy and sweet, all at the same time.



This next one is my quirky video pioneers OK Go. Everyone's probably already seen this, but I think it's pretty cool. Especially with the constant goose appearances.



There's lots of other cool ones on the Buxton list too.

***

More asterisks there. The asterisks are my friends.

They don't find me boring.

Hey, look at this cool wrestling picture!

***

Between you and me (and I think I'm probably correct in assuming there's only two of us), I think the multitasking (and the multi-tasking, for that matter) have impacted on the quality of this post.

I haven't been able to concentrate properly, so I'm not sure if I've been my usual eloquent self.

To be fair, I haven't been eloquent since last spring. And that was only because I'd been possessed by the ghost of Noel Coward.

Oh well. At least there are some entertaining videos and a nice picture to look at.

***

Q4: Do you find Paul's self-deprecation to be:
a) Endearing
b) Unconvincing
c) Justified

***

These football matches are getting all the more one-sided. Both of them. That's half a side each. I think I should call an end to this whole experiment.

***

Q5: Paul's refusal to use question marks to punctuate what are obviously questions is:
a) Annoying?
b) Annoying.
c) I hadn't noticed. No-one noticed. Don't flatter yourself.

Hornette

There has been a lot of confusion lately, hanging in the air like so much Old Man's Inexplicable Joy. There have been whispers in shadowy corners, shadowy whispers in well-kept corners, general gossip, speculation and a yearning for answers.

So, just to clear things up once and for all, I thought I'd lay all my cards on the table, set the record straight, reveal the blank slate, and silence all those pernicious wagging tongues.

Here we go:

1) The Pope IS Catholic

2) Bears DO shit in the woods

3) Yes, your question WAS rhetorical

and finally, most importantly of all:

4) THIS IS NOT A DIARY

There. I hope that's the end of the matter.

I'm writing this on Lucy's computer, as mine is all buzzed out and needs a rest (like a toddler bee, or an insomniac coke freak).

It means that I can't film a hilarious video of my face, which will disappoint everyone, I'm sure.

So even though this is not a diary (see point 4 above), I'd better write about what has happened today.

"Not much" is the answer. Another day off. Another day of indulgence and sloth.

In the morning, I slept fitfully. I didn't literally have any fits (at least none that I'm aware of - I was asleep after all). But I was disturbed. I kept hearing noises from outside or downstairs, and my comatose brain was incorporating them into my dreams. I imagined there were people in the flat. They must not have been doing anything too bad - at least not bad enough for me to get up. But still, it was unsettling.

My waking day was much more pleasant. Although there were indeed lots of sounds coming from the flat, I was compos mentis enough to realise they were generated by myself. That's the beauty of being awake: you have the capacity to attribute causes to certain sensory information.

I didn't make any weird noises or anything. It was mostly moving around, opening cupboards, turning on taps... things like that. A bit of light humming. The odd little bits of speech ("Where did I put those scissors?"; "What did I come in hear for?"; "Ah, of course!"; "Mmm, delicious bleach!")

A few small arguments with myself in the mirror. Just the usual (everyone does that).

"NO! NO! WHY CAN'T YOU BE A GOOD BOY?"
"Ohhh, that's the way we're gonna play it, is it? Unfortunately for you Sunshine, only one of us is holding a pair of scissors. And it ain't you."
Just the usual stuff, you know.

Then there was the gurgling. Not weird gurgling. Just the usual run-of-the-mill gurgling. Gurgling that resembles the actual sound of a running mill.

A couple of screams, sure.

But those were the only sounds. Nothing odd. Not like the dream sounds. Not like the nightmare sounds.

Not like that at all.

I listened to some good music, and did a bit of reading.

Oh, I'm sorry! I meant to say reading. I accidentally wrote bleeding! Whoops! What would Freud have to say about that?! I'd better go back and replace 'bleeding' with 'reading'. Otherwise you all might think I'm a bit odd! And we can't have that. Freud's dead now.

Not that I had anything to do with it.

The only thing of real incident that happened was the visit of a hornet. I think it was a hornet. It was certainly too big to be an average wasp. It thundered in to the living room, looking like a menacing burnt croissant.

I wasn't sure what to do. I had mislaid my scissors somewhere, and didn't feel like engaging in hand-to-wing combat with the beast. Especially as I have no wings, and he has no hands. It would have been an administrative disaster.

And yes, I'm sorry that I made the hornet male by default. The inherent misogyny of my language has reared its ugly striped head once again.

But, so ingrained is this convention, that I thought describing the creature as female would seem incongruous and take people out of the (tense) narrative.

I should have used the female anyway, though. It's the only means of going some way to resolving the sexist bias in our discourse.

(I've written about this before, I think. But it was a long time ago. I wonder if I've repeated myself...)

The other thing to consider is the gender roles of hornets. It could be the case that all hornets that fly around are male. Let's take a look!

In Vespa crabro, the nest is founded in spring by a fertilized female known as the queen. It generally selects sheltered places like dark hollow tree trunks. It first builds a series of cells (up to 50) out of chewed tree bark. The cells are arranged in horizontal layers named combs, each cell being vertical and closed at the top. An egg is then laid in each cell. After 5–8 days, the egg hatches, and in the next two weeks, the larva undergoes its five stages. During this time, the queen feeds in a protein-rich diet of insects.

Then, the larva spins a silk cap over the cell's opening and, during the next two weeks, transforms into an adult, a process called metamorphosis. Then, the adult eats its way through the silk cap. This first generation of workers, invariably females, will now gradually undertake all the tasks that were formerly carried out by the queen (foraging, nest building, taking care of the brood, etc.) with one exception: egg-laying, which remains exclusive to the queen.

As the colony size grows, new combs are added, and an envelope is built around the cell layers until the nest is entirely covered with the exception of an entry hole. At the peak of its population, the colony can reach a size of 700 workers, which occurs in late summer.

At this time, the queen starts producing the first reproductive individuals. Fertilized eggs develop into females (called "gynes" by entomologists), and unfertilized ones develop into males (sometimes called "drones"). Adult males do not participate in nest maintenance, foraging, or caretaking of the larvae. In early to mid-autumn, they leave the nest and mate during "nuptial flights". Males die shortly after mating. The workers and queens survive at most until mid to late autumn; only the fertilized queens survive over winter.

Interesting! Of course, I'm not even sure it was a hornet. But from this, I conclude that it could well have been a female, and so I was out of line in assuming masculinity.

So, to conclude:

1) Is the Pope Catholic? Yes, SHE is.

2) Do bears shit in the woods? Yes, SHE does.

3) Is this a rhetorical question, MADAM?

4) This is not a diary.

Also, I have no significant mental health issues.


("Or DOES she...?")

Sparkling Torso Quiz!

Our new broadband hub is arriving today. I'm reasonably sure it won't work.

Although I'm an optimist, I'm also a realist. Which sometimes entails altering my expectations to compensate for my innate optimism.

Some people may call this pessimism. I call it being even-handed.

One hand washes the other. They both wash my torso. My torso, in turn, washes my hands. One foot doesn't wash the other. Unless I'm wearing my sponge clogs. Which I rarely do in the shower. Are you following this? I hope you're taking notes. There will be some test questions at the end to make sure it has all sunk in (like water into clogs).

In conclusion: I'm a soapy optimist, with a sparkling torso and sponge clogs.

Right, recap time! Three multiple choice questions.

Question 1: When is our new broadband hub arriving?

A: Today
B: Tomorray
C: Sponge clogs

Question 2: What are my clogs made of?

A: Spunge
B: Today
C: Sponge clogs
D: Clogs?

Question 3: Born in December 1982, I am a human male living in the Northern Hemisphere. After a bright start, I lunged into mediocrity, writing a blog that mainly consists of disappointing rants and discussions of absorbent footwear. Who am I?

A: You (me)
B: Me (me)
C: You (him)
D: Sharon Carter (Agent 13)
E: All of the above
F: All of the below
G: Me

You can find the answers at the bottom of this post.

***

So... pff. Yeah. Man, how about that... news? The moon and all that. And, uh, Nobel Prize for... uh... Harry Connick Jr. And stuff.



***

Quiz Answers:

Q1: Four; Q2: Question 2; Q3: Me (you thinking of me).

See how you rank below:

Final Scores

3 - Well done. This is the maximum score possible from three questions. You have answered them all correctly. If you had got any wrong, your score would have been lower than 3.

2 - Good attempt. You are perceptive, but have a short attention span. Did you get distracted by a grey fox (if American: gray fox)?

1 - Poor. You are not a natural English-speaker. You did poorly at school. Your friends don't like you, but invite you to events to make themselves look better by comparison. But you're not beyond hope. One point is the same number of points as on a scalpel, used by many doctors.

0 - Zero. This is the lowest number of points. If you had been any worse, I would have had to take away points you had earned from other quizzes (eg Going for Gold with Poirot's brother)