I've been unforgivably lax with my posting this month. I can't be forgiven. Or forgotten. But there's one thing you should forget about: forgiveness.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, reach deep into your chest and tear that forgiveness out, and cast it to the four winds. I'm unforgivable. Don't even think about it.
I'll do my best to forgive myself for thinking I could ever forgive myself, but some things are better left forgotten.
I can't remember what I was saying.
Never mind, we're all human.
Except cyborgs, who are only part-human.
And birds, who are only part-cyborg.
I could keep this up all day. It's a wonder I struggle for content.
The festive period is winding down. I'm looking forward to a New Years Eve devoid of any alcohol or laughter.
But there is an albatross hung around my neck.
It was an odd choice for a Christmas present, but somehow it works. It's even the right size. On the side of the albatross is written:
Review of 2010
Indeed! Remember these? I do these?
2007
2008
2009
It started as an ironic satire on lazy end-of-year retrospectives, but soon the irony had peeled off and I was left staring at the quivering pink jelly of truth.
What can I say about 2010? You'll find out by reading the things I say about it. Here. Starting now.
(Though I suppose this is just the things I will say about 2010. I could say a lot more. And I will, in my new book: 1998 and Other Years and Other Animals, released Summer 2011 by Pengiun Books [not to be confused with the more popular Penguin Books, who turned me down point blank and shot me point proved])
Each year I complete certain categories and create some new ones for throwaway jokes, not realising I'll be saddled with them forever. Like tiny supplementary albatrosses.
No, saddles. I was right the first time.
Tiny saddles.
Life-Changing Event of 2010
Edinburgh. That's more of a place than an event. But it was rather exciting.
I mean doing comedy at the Free Fringe. It was exhausting. You can read about it in numerous August rambles.
Though it didn't really change my life that much, other than stopping me doing stand-up for a while. Also, I got a tattoo of Lorraine Kelly on my thigh, on my thigh. (The tattoo depicts Kelly sitting on my thigh. The tattoo is on my thigh. I don't know if I can be any more clear about this.)
Film of 2010
I can never remember what I've seen when. What have I seen this year?
Inception? Iron Man 2? Scott Pilgrim?
Is that it? I really am a child. Two comic book movies, and a film that only a 14 year old could enjoy. Not 13, not 15: 14.
I'll try to do better next year.
TV Programme of 2010
Unusually, I seem to have watched quite a bit of TV this year. Mostly BBC4, which has provided a great deal of entertainment, education and information (the three Rs).
Great shows include:
The Wonders of the Solar System
Ancient Worlds
The Art of Germany
David Attenborough's First Life
But the winner (and I've sung its praises long enough) is Michael Winterbottom's The Trip, with Coogan and Brydon.
Pure class from start to finish.
Also, Peep Show's still good.
Music of 2010
I've got a lot of music for birthday/Christmas so it's hard not to let recent discoveries dominate the year. What was I listening to in January? I just don't know.
I've enjoyed discovering lots of new things through our office's music club playlists. I've probably posted videos of most of the stuff I like already. Here are two recent favourites:
The song I've listened to the most is probably this:
Misunderstanding of 2010 (new category!)
I didn't dress up as an old woman and put a cat in a bin. I don't know how that rumour got started.
Stuffed Animal of 2010
Making his triumphant return home after years in my office, the one and only Aristophanes (don't tell Katy):
By the way, I'm sorry that this computer's webcam has such poor resolution. With this pic it's OK, but people want to see my face in it's full glory.
Tendon of 2010
See what I mean by beind saddled?
Let's just say it's the quadriceps tendon and have done with it.
Albert of 2010 (new category!)
Stand-up of 2010
Whilst I did see the magnificent Mr Kitson again this year, it wasn't really a stand-up show. So this year's honour goes to:
Kevin Eldon
He made me laugh. Which is the general aim of comedy.
Podcast of 2010
Let's give this one to Josie Long and Robin Ince's Utter Shambles. It is good.
("It is good" is part of my ongoing deconstruction of criticism itself. It is working.)
Number of 2010
h
Celebrity Sighting of 2010
More comedians than you can shake a stick at. I could shake a stick at more. But then I am brilliant at shaking sticks. Most of them are probably unknown though. I saw Phil Kay in a cafe.
Odd Celebrity Crush of 2010
Whilst watching the 1981 Spider-Man cartoon, Lucy pointed out that the character of Betty Brant had quite big breasts. So it's her fault.
I have a crush on a cartoon woman. Even if she was real, she'd be old now.
I can't find a full picture of her, but here's her head:
I'm 28 years old.Language of 2010
French
Tool of 2010 (new category!)
Hammer.
Clothing Item of 2010
Fingerless hands
Best Bit from My Review of 2010
") is"
Prediction for 2011
I will write a song about pastry. In fact, I might do that now.
***
That's it. Enjoy your New Year.
Interesting fact, 2011 will be the first year with two ones in it since 1991.
No comments:
Post a Comment