Grey? Gay? A-OK.

I can't believe I have so many grey hairs. It's not right. My hair is pretty long at the moment, and I can see them everywhere.

I'm only 26. Admittedly, that does seem old, but not grey hair old.

I don't think my dad went grey until he was pretty old. Unless he dyed his hair - an act so out-of character for him that it would shake the very foundations of my world.

But I've got grey hairs all over the show.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be greying than balding. I don't think I could carry the balding look off. I'd start to look like Donald Pleasance. That's not a good look. Maybe if I grew my beard and shaved my hair, I could pull off the Jeff-Bridges-in-Iron-Man/Jesse Ventura look. That might work. But all in all, I can live with grey.

I'd prefer grey temples, like Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four. That's a distinguished look. But at the moment, it's popping up all over. I won't mind if it stays at its current levels. The odd gray hair looks slightly mystical - like strands of memory in the Harry Potter universe. I could try and find a Pensieve, and put them in there. That would be quite funny. All my memories would be exactly the same - just sitting there watching repeats of The Wire, drinking tea and eating Cadbury's Dairy Milk with Crunchie pieces.

If Harry Potter had to enter those memories, he'd get bored quite quickly. Unless he liked The Wire. And he wouldn't - it would be too complicated for him, the simpleton.

Do you think there's a black market in the wizarding world, where people go to the cinema, and then sell the memories? You could go down to a Knocturn Alley and buy some dude's memories of going to see Transformers. You'd probably also get the memories of the person buying popcorn and going to the toilet, but it would be cheap.

There would also be a huge market for saucy memories or "Pensieve Porn". Dumbledore had a huge collection, apparently.

The more Harry Potter knowledge I reveal, the lesser my credibility, so I should probably stop there.

If I go completely grey, at least it will be easy to dye. I could try a new colour each week. I'd quite like to use Just for Men. I'm a man, so it would be allowed.

I wonder what made them come up with that name for their product. Just For Men!

I can understand targeting a specific demographic, but to be so adamant about it that you include it in the product name?

Maybe it was orginally called something less committal, like Man Dye. They probably kept hearing stories of women using the product ("Ooh, this shade of brown is perfect! I can't find it in any woman's range. I'll give it a try!").

And the Chief Executive said "No! This is unacceptable!"

"Um, why?"

"Women! Using our products! It's not for them!! It's for men!"

"But what difference does it..."

"Whores! Using our products! We need to make it clear that this is a man's product."

"But it's already called Man Dye. What could we...?"

"It's not for them!! It's for men! Just for men! Hey, waitaminute... Just. For. Men."

"Have you taken your medication today, sir?"

That's probably how it went.

Apparently they put a special acid in the dye, that is activated if a woman uses it, and it makes their hair fall out. They're not messing about.

I suppose they're appealing to the kind of man who thinks that if a product isn't completely and explicitly only available to men, it makes you gay.

And they're right.

I once ate a box of Ladyfinger biscuits, and by the end of the day I was on my third rent-boy.

In conclusion, the world of grey hair will be an exciting adventure. Unless I live in an arbitrary Logan's Run-style world where you're killed as soon as you're grey.

And if that policy was in place, I'd probably, y'know, move or something.

Origin of Faeces

In keeping with my theme of having more interesting thoughts when I'm asleep than when I'm awake, I woke up yesterday thinking about the evolutionary nature of ideas.

I think. in between dreams, I began to believe that there was some kind of 'Selfish Idea' theory parallel to Dakwins's 'Selfish Gene'. The Dawkins theory basically says (and I haven't read it, so this might be entirely wrong) we can think of evolution as genes trying to pass on their material. Human beings (and life in general) are the vehicles, allowing them to achieve this end. We're being used!

Anyway, in my sleep-addled brain, I must have thought that ideas were the same. I thought the human brain was merely the tools that ideas used to reproduce and grow. We are merely the vessels in which ideas live, devlop and reproduce. Pretty cool, huh?

Except it's bollocks, of course. When you're not drowsy in dreamland, it's obvious that it doesn't really work. Ideas couldn't exist without brains. Brains produce ideas. Ideas in one person aren't connected to those of someone else.

But it did get me thinking about ideas, and their evolutionary purpose. If we assume (and it's a big assumption) that humans are the only life forms to have ideas, and that animals act only by instinct, what benefit is it to our survival? Clearly ideas help us to thrive and improve ourselves, not only by giving us ways of achieving our basic needs, but in widening the possibilities of what we can achieve.

But in animals, the process seems to be a bit more shallow. Other lifeforms seem to evolve quite happily without ideas. I wonder why we needed them. It's almost as though evolution had taken us as far as it could by itself, and had to come up with a way to let us evolve ourselves. That's probably why humans are better than animals (and we are; don't let any animal rights person tell you you're worse than a duck, you're probably not). We're not just progressing linearly (is that a word), we're evolving outwards.

The side effect of this is we're aware of evolution, and are not so strictly constrained by it. We're arrogant now. We're all like, "Yeah, the Panda is shit, won't breed, and would have died out ages ago, but we're gonna keep it alive! Fuck you, God! We run the show now!".

Having said that, I'm sure this is all part of some higher-level evolution. It might be evolutionarily beneficial to fuck with evolution. It might even be beneficial to write this blog...

***

Hey, everyone who likes Harry Potter, if you're tired of reading my foolish thoughts, go and read Lucy's fanfiction!

You can find it here:
http://ls269.deviantart.com

Her foolish thoughts are much more entertaining, well-written and beautiful.

Even if you don't like Harry Potter, she sometimes writes journal entries that will give you insight into her warped mind.

***

We've been renting lots of films lately, so here are two quick reviews:

Seven Samurai

Excellent, funny, action-packed, revolutionary. Quite long though.

Superbad

Pretty good, generally funny, definitely not revolutionary, Michael Cera is great as usual, not enough tits for a teen movie.

***

That's all for now. Actually, now that I think about it, Seven Samurai didn't have any tits in it, so it can hardly be called excellent...

Occult Book Review

I bought he above book for £1 at a book fair this afternoon (actually Lucy bought it, but that's not hugely important for the story).

Please excuse the dark photo, but I think it adds to the mysteriousness of the book. It's called Geomancy by Franz Hartmann, and was published in 1889. I liked it because it looks like a book out of Harry Potter or something, and could have magical powers, although I've yet to discover them.

It's actually a book about astrology. The title page alone is fantastic entertainment: The Principles of Astrological Geomancy; The Art of Divining by Punctuation, according to Cornelius Agrippa and others. I obviously took this to mean reading the future through the examination of apostrophes and the semi-colon. I am already proficient at this. I can predict just by seeing that someone has used the symbols ;-) that this person is a cunt.

And I think Cornelius Agrippa is a great name. To find out more about him, I did what people may well have done in 1889: I looked on wikipedia. His article tells us that he was a 16th century magician. Man, I'd love to have business cards printed with my profession listed as 'magician'. Anyway, he seems like an interesting fella.

What is interesting is that my Harry Potter instincts seem to be correct. If you can't be bothered to read the entry, it seems that on his deathbed he was said to have summoned demons. One, his familiar, was a black dog, which possibly gave rise to 'the Grim' discussed in the Prisoner of Azkaban.

[I know wikipedia is a dubious source, but we're talking about astrology and Harry Potter, so I think hard facts can be thrown out the window]

He is also mentioned by name in the first book, as one of the chocolate frog cards Ron is missing.

Further Potter links are found in the Hartmann Geomancy book. Of the sixteen 'geomantic symbols', one is Albus, listed as "White Head, wisdom, sagacity, clear thought". Pure Dumbledore. Another is Rubeus [Hagrid]: "Redhead, passion, vice, fiery temper".

This doesn't prove anything beyond the fact that Rowling knows stuff about astrology. But, still, it's pretty cool for a random find at book sale.

The title page of the book also promises "an appendix containing 2,048 answers to questions". I had my fingers crossed that this would just be of the form:

1) Yes
2) No
3) Maybe
4) What are you, high?
etc.

However, they seem to be in strange symbols and diagrams that I can't understand.

The book has also been annotated by a previous owner, with strange formulae and symbols. Which raises the most important question raised by this whole analysis:

Is there anyone who takes any of this bullshit seriously?

I mean, even people who believe in the whole 'talking snake, red guy with pitchfork' scene have dismissed this stuff as nonsense.

Oh well, it's still a cool and beautiful artifact. I'm going to keep it and try and give it an aura as something dark and magical for my kids to be afraid of in years to come.

Of course, my scepticism might come back to haunt me (literally). If I find a chapter in here called The Re-education of Paul Fung, I'll come back here and recant.

If the planets align themselves correctly, I might return soon with a banal anecdote, or tell you about something I saw on TV.

I'm no Hartmann or Agrippa. But I have forseen it.

Click click click

I've noticed that the dates at the bottom of my posts are based on when the draft is started, rather than when I decide to post. This is especially annoying in terms of the post below for two reasons:

1) It suggests that I had the Potter book before it was even out, and so must have mystical powers (how embarassing!)
2) It suggests that I thought the two day gap between Weds and Fri was 'ages', which is quite sad.

For the record, I posted it on Sunday (I think).

As for the book, here's my review:

I liked it.

***

So, everywhere is underwater. I assume that our old flat in Oxford was probably evacuated, as it was right by the river. So, in a way, it is quite good to be living in the Westcountry where the rain has been much less destructive. The only thing we have to worry about now is a tsunami, and they're probably quite rare.

Although the flooding has been terrible, I can't help but be annoyed by those people who are complaining about having no running water, whilst it rains outside. Put out a pan or something! God's given you a freebie here! Just 'cause it's not Evian, doesn't mean you can't use it!

With the controversy about building new homes on flood-plains, I think they should build them on huge poles like in the Jetsons. I'd fucking love to live on top of a giant pole. And have a dog in a space-suit. But that might be giving away too much about my personal life...

***

Speaking of sharing too much information, I'd like any wannabe Freudians to tell me what this is about:

A recurring element in my dreams is that when I try to run, I'm much too slow, and can't speed up. The only way to run faster is to use my arms and run on all fours, which makes me speed along like a greased cheetah.

What does this mean? Is it symbolising a desire to return to an animalistic state? A doubting of my own humanity? A desperation for some last resort, beyond the bounds of my own ability?

Or is it just that I like to bend over?

***

I can't wait for the new football season to start. Saturdays just aren't the same without Football Focus and Match of the Day. I miss Mark Lawrenson's terrible jokes that are met with silence. I miss spitting hatred at Garth Crooks and his stupid, arrogant, Norman Osborn-hairstyled, shiny head.

I miss the comforting regularity of disappointment every Saturday as Saints excel at mediocrity.

I miss Adrian Chiles on MOTD2, and his funny squashed face. When Saints were relegated and West Brom (Chiles's team) stayed up, a friend of mine texted me in jest, saying "Well at least Adrian Chiles is happy. I think we can all take comfort in that."

And the weird thing was, through all the depression and misery of that day, I kinda did take comfort in it.

***

I'm listening to Squarepusher and slightly freaking out at the kitchen table, so I'd better go now in case I start throwing things about and wearing the fruit bowl as a hat. Again.

Good day, sir.

Paul's Dignity RIP

I haven't posted here for ages. It might be that I've run out of ideas.

Or it might be that I'm reading the new Harry Potter book, and am desperately trying to avoid spoilers. I've avoided Facebook completely, and every time I go out I'm terrified that I might overhear some excited children chatting about the end, or a middle-aged loser wearing a black armband with 'HP' on it.

I can't concentrate on anything until its over. It's not even that I'm that big a fan of the books, I'm just incredibly obsessive. If it's ruined for me now, I'll never be able to enjoy the end of this book again. Unless I'm old and senile and have forgotten it, but in this scenario I'll probably be more focussed on trying not to piss myself.

I kind of hope that the ending is a big anticlimax; a big fuck-you to losers like me.

"And then Harry woke up. He was 11 again. All that wizard shit was just a dream, you pathetic twats!"

Anyway, I'd better get back to obsessing.

He Who Must Be Named (by every blogger)

We went to see the new Harry Potter film on Thursday. It was pretty good, although it seems like the last few have all been about the same. They all use excellent casting, pretty decent special effects and have pretty good performances.

The trouble is, they all feel the need to shoe-horn in the whole plot, so that the film seems like its jumping from set-piece to set-piece at breakneck speed. I've come to the conclusion that the filmmakers must be, rather than putting together a proper film, just be content with visually presenting all the cool bits in the book, and not bothering with proper exposition or building tension. Which is a fair enough way to do things, I suppose, as the book does all that work for them.

The only problem is how the films are received by people who haven't read the books, which I can only assume is with confusion and annoyance. But who cares about them anyway?

***

For my course, it was suggested that I keep a notebook for my "creative" ideas. The idea was to hand this in at the end, and give my teachers an insight into my creative process. The trouble was, the book ended up being filled with rubbish, sprawling (and often psychologically revealing) doodles. The only ideas were non-sensical sentences that mean nothing to anyone but me.

So, I didn't hand it in. But I will share with you some of them. I think you'll agree they are either the work of an undoubted genius, or they're... not.

"Lazy Native American Indian - Sitting Room"

"The Penguin and Mary Poppins in an umbrella repair shop"

"Death desirable during sex/laughter - a consolation. Even on the M4?"

"Asking shrewd questions.
Asking shrews questions.
(What is your habitat?)"

"Esher Circle Stadium Salute"

Profound stuff. If I find any more, I'll dish out a few more morsels.

You love it, you slags!

***

I try, every couple of posts, to provide you with some reward for wading through this inane bullshit. So, here's another video, starring Peter Serafinowicz (of Darth Maul, Look Around You and "I'm not a monster, Tim" fame). It's quite funny, and features a dead-on John Lennon impression:




***

I'm working up to a discussion of The Simpsons movie and it's potential quality, which would inevitably lead to a "Family Guy isn't very good" rant. But something of that magnitude will need careful consideration, lest the resultant controversy tear the whole internet in twain. So I'll stick to safer, more politically-correct topics.
Tune in next time for "The Jews: Global Plague"!