Dear Santa
I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.
In the run-up to December, your mailbag must be quite the sight! In your busy period, you hear from children from all over the world. I'm sure it is both heartening and overwhelming!
It is now mid-January. Christmas is over. You have done your duty. Millions of children are enjoying their presents. And it is your time to relax.
But I wonder if you might get a little lonely. After all, the pressure and the activity are now over. In my experience, there can be a period of low mood after a significant event. There's so much build-up that the aftermath can be a desolate time.
That's why I'm writing. In January, the letters suddenly stop. Even the most premature of Christmas letters will surely not arrive for a few months. It must just be bills and junk mail.
So I write this to provide some human contact in what may be a lonely time. Are your elves on holiday? I imagine they are.
Don't worry: I'm not asking for anything! That must be a rarity in one of your letters!
I just want you to know that you are appreciated all year round.
Enjoy your time off. Relax. You deserve it.
Yours
Philip Anderson
***
What do you think?
Philip Anderson is my new character.
According to Wikipedia, there's a cyclist, an editor and a Nobel laureate with the same name. But I still think it's usable.
Philip Anderson is his own man.
His main characteristics seem to be that he writes thoughtful letters to fictional beings.
I might write a film about him.
***
Dear Zorro
I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.
I just wanted to thank you for all of your good work. Though official channels of justice (the police, the courts, etc) are important elements in a civilised society, sometimes we need an agent of good who operates outside of traditional institutions.
Being an outlaw must be a stressful (though highly enjoyable!) occupation, and I thought you might appreciate a note of appreciation from the people you serve.
Keep up the good work!
Yours
Philip Anderson
***
The film would be a heart-warming Gump-esque tale about a naive, good-hearted outsider, whose eccentric behaviour overcomes cynicism, making the world a better place.
He writes these letters all the time. They're seen, read and mocked by post office staff. But a woman who works there (our female lead) appreciates the sentiment of Philip Anderson's writing, and falls in love with him.
She agrees to help him get his letters to the desired recipients. I haven't worked out the whole plot, but I think Anderson will get to meet the President.
***
Dear Pinhead (from out of Hellraiser)
I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.
I would hate to be presumptuous (and please forgive me if I seem patronising), but you seem like someone who might enjoy a bit of human contact.
Harvesting souls must be exhausting! I don't even harvest wheat (a human crop), so can't imagine what your workload must be like. Admittedly, I don't know too much about you, having merely skimmed your Wikipedia page, but I would like to offer my moral support in all your endeavours.
I too was something of an outsider growing up, and can appreciate how difficult it is when your looks and interests are perceived as "abnormal" by the majority. I just want you to know that it's OK to be yourself. You shouldn't feel any pressure to conform, or to not have pins in your head, just because other people think that's the right way to be.
We are all individual, and we all decide how we should live.
Again, I don't mean to infer some inner struggle where there isn't one. I'm probably just projecting, because I remember my own mindset when I bought my leather jacket!
I've probably rambled too much! I'll just sign off by saying that you are an important part of the universe, and you are loved more deeply than you'll ever know.
Yours
Philip Anderson
***
The examples I've included here (Santa, Zorro, Pinhead) aren't necessarily those that I'll include in the final script. There are probably copyright issues with some, if not all, of these. But you get the idea.
As far as casting goes, I feel that we need a strong leading man. Hanks is perhaps too obvious a choice. And I'm showing my age when I suggest Meg Ryan for the postal worker!
Perhaps something along these lines:
Philip Anderson: Adrien Brody
Post Office Woman Love Interest (possibly called Jane or Hannah): Reese Witherspoon
The President: Method Man
And there will be a whole range of interesting supporting players that they'll meet along the way. Daniel Radcliffe would look good as a train driver, I think.
***
Dear Philip Anderson
I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.
If you're who I think you are, you'll be freaking out right now.
I am you. And I really need some help.
Am I real?
Please respond.
Yours
Philip Anderson
***
Charlie Kaufman usually writes his own stuff, but I would think he'd be willing to collaborate.
If any producers are interested in... optioning(?) this, please call my agent.
If any agents are interested in representing me, please drop me an email.
If any (free) email providers are interested in offering me their services, I'd really like to reserve philip.anderson@[yourdomain].com
I look forward to hearing from you all, in reverse order.
Showing posts with label Tom Hanks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tom Hanks. Show all posts
Friday, 17 January 2014
Monday, 31 December 2012
2012: The Year in Operating System Loyalty Scarf Embroidery Mishaps
Meow.
Or, to any non-cats reading: woof.
It's New Year's Eve. It seems like as good a time as any to make that statement.
The best thing about New Year's Eve is the sewer rats have their fill of discarded punch. It gets poured away every New Year's Day. There's loads of it, because people hate punch. No-one wants to drink punch. Maybe if you're in Hawaii, you might go along with it, just for the cultural experience. Like how people try surfing when they're holidaying in a surfboard shop. But generally, it's hated.
Gallons of it are poured down the sink, flushed down the toilet, or ladled into a bidet. But our loss is the rats' gain. New Year's Day is Rat Christmas. The rodent messiah was actually born in August, but they fudged it. Now it's all part of a big punch-fuelled celebration. If you listen carefully, you can hear slurred rodent carols reverberating up the pipes.
God bless those rats.
But enough about the folly of punch. I didn't come here to write about that. I came here to look back upon the past twelve months. Luckily, I sketched the world once an hour, every hour, all year. Now I have a flip book that can act as my guide, even though I can't draw noses.
If you've been born this year, you might want to read these. They'll catch you up with what's happened to the human race recently. Like one of those "Previously on..." segments you get at the beginning of television programmes. ("Previously on Earth, Paul sullied the internet.")
Each year, I fill in the old categories and add some new ones. Always strive to be the best. Don't get complacent. One day, a blog may be written with categories I haven't even thought of. I need to branch out.
I went blind.
(That's a half-truth - I'm only blind when I'm mid-blink.)
We bought a flat. I don't know whether we've technically bought it yet, or if there are more confusing hoops to jump through. It has been terrifying, and I can't wait until the transaction is complete. Buying a flat makes me feel like an adult, and feeling like an adult makes me feel like a ten-year-old caught in a tedious administrative version of Big. Hanks I ain't.
Anything else? I've done more stand-up this year. That's something.
There's probably something massive that I've forgotten. Did I change gender this year? It's difficult to keep track. I'm wearing women's underwear, but that's no guarantee of anything (other than a new, sexy layer to the office-gossip lasagne).
Oh, I re-read and catalogued all of my previous blog posts. That was an exhausting odyssey, but has improved my life one-fold.
I think this category will come back to haunt me next year, but I need somewhere to write about this.
Football is a thing I like. The 2011/12 season was perhaps my favourite of them all.
The main thing was that Southampton were promoted to the Premier League. That was tremendous and surprising. (We also seem to be acclimatising to life up in the big time, though it will be a hard season.) But there wasn't really a "moment" that sent us up.
There were also exciting moments with Chelsea winning the FA Cup, and the Champions League (especially with that Neville-moan Torres-goal ridiculous Barca semi-final).
But the end of the Premier League season was the best "moment". Manchester City won the title from United on goal difference with an injury time winner.
I like it for many reasons, but the main one is that it was a rare case of reality working like fiction. The slimmest of margins, then glory plucked from defeat with seconds to go. It's weird. I don't support Man City, but I can't stop watching that Aguero goal on Youtube. I just find myself watching it if I have a free moment. I suppose I dislike United enough for it to seem like a triumph for me!
The real fun comes from the reactions of other people. I love seeing the dejected City fans suddenly become ecstatic, and tears of sadness turning to tears of joy. This video is a compilation of various fans' reactions to that goal. It's lots of fun, even if you don't like football. The response is so extreme that it's ridiculous. But I won't ridicule them, because I'd totally do the same in their position.
Music of 2012
I did a Grooveshark playlist containing my favourite songs of the year. These are probably my favourite songs of 2012.
Ben Folds Five - Do It Anyway
The album was a bit disappointing, but this song is great. Also, the video has Fraggles.
Killer Mike - Don't Die
This is aggressive and sweary and cool.
Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Schnitzel Boogie
This song gets stuck in my head once every three minutes.
I can't think of any this year. Maybe my tastes have become more sophisticated. I might start fancying newsreaders or John Nettles. I need to grow up.
Prediction for 2013
Lloyd's of London will rename themselves "Floyd's of London", and will relocate to one of the other Londons.
***
This has been far too long. The review has taken almost as long as the year itself.
This is me signing off.
I'll see you in 2013. I'm sure we'll all enjoy debating reactions to the death of Thatcher.
Remember: don't drink too much punch. The rats need their share.
I'll say!
Or, to any non-cats reading: woof.
It's New Year's Eve. It seems like as good a time as any to make that statement.
The best thing about New Year's Eve is the sewer rats have their fill of discarded punch. It gets poured away every New Year's Day. There's loads of it, because people hate punch. No-one wants to drink punch. Maybe if you're in Hawaii, you might go along with it, just for the cultural experience. Like how people try surfing when they're holidaying in a surfboard shop. But generally, it's hated.
Gallons of it are poured down the sink, flushed down the toilet, or ladled into a bidet. But our loss is the rats' gain. New Year's Day is Rat Christmas. The rodent messiah was actually born in August, but they fudged it. Now it's all part of a big punch-fuelled celebration. If you listen carefully, you can hear slurred rodent carols reverberating up the pipes.
God bless those rats.
But enough about the folly of punch. I didn't come here to write about that. I came here to look back upon the past twelve months. Luckily, I sketched the world once an hour, every hour, all year. Now I have a flip book that can act as my guide, even though I can't draw noses.
DiamondBadger's Headscissors Review of 2012
My Year-End Reviews aren't like those other ones you've read. I'm not aiming for a comprehensive retrospective. I'm not aiming for cultural analysis. I'm not aiming for insight of any kind.
I'm not aiming for anything. I'm blind. I'm just firing my crossbow randomly into the darkness, hoping to bag myself a goose.
Here are the old ones:
If you've been born this year, you might want to read these. They'll catch you up with what's happened to the human race recently. Like one of those "Previously on..." segments you get at the beginning of television programmes. ("Previously on Earth, Paul sullied the internet.")
Each year, I fill in the old categories and add some new ones. Always strive to be the best. Don't get complacent. One day, a blog may be written with categories I haven't even thought of. I need to branch out.
Life-Changing Event of 2012
I went blind.
(That's a half-truth - I'm only blind when I'm mid-blink.)
We bought a flat. I don't know whether we've technically bought it yet, or if there are more confusing hoops to jump through. It has been terrifying, and I can't wait until the transaction is complete. Buying a flat makes me feel like an adult, and feeling like an adult makes me feel like a ten-year-old caught in a tedious administrative version of Big. Hanks I ain't.
Anything else? I've done more stand-up this year. That's something.
There's probably something massive that I've forgotten. Did I change gender this year? It's difficult to keep track. I'm wearing women's underwear, but that's no guarantee of anything (other than a new, sexy layer to the office-gossip lasagne).
Oh, I re-read and catalogued all of my previous blog posts. That was an exhausting odyssey, but has improved my life one-fold.
TV Programme of 2012
It was a good year for television. I don't know if that's true in general, but I certainly saw a lot of things that I liked.
Louie and Breaking Bad continued, and continued to be very good. (Though - and this may be sacrilegious - I found the last couple of Breaking Bad episodes a bit disappointing. Hopefully the final half-season will tie everything up in a nice bloody package.)
I think there are two shows that stand out. They are similar in premise, completely different in execution, and yet similar (again) in heart.
The second season of Fresh Meat was really good. I enjoyed the first season, but the programme seems to have really hit its stride. It's funny, it's touching, and there are lots of good performances (particularly Zawe Ashton as Vod). I just like hanging out with the characters, and I'm looking forward to the next season.
I've watched Community more than I've watched anything else this year. I watched the new episodes, old episodes on DVD, episodes with commentary, extra features, and several billion gifs on Tumblr.
I still can't decide what it is about Community that I like. I'm certainly in love with at least one of the characters, which helps. The best thing about it is that as soon as you think you have it figured out, they'll throw a curveball and deliver something completely different.
They do 'concept' episodes that don't seem cheap or cynical. There's always an obvious affection for the subject matter. There's a whole episode where the characters play a video game, but there are real-world stakes for their success or failure.
It's easy to see why it has such a devoted (i.e. nutty) fan-base.
Shoe of 2012
The golf clog.
Film of 2012
It was a good year for television. I don't know if that's true in general, but I certainly saw a lot of things that I liked.
Louie and Breaking Bad continued, and continued to be very good. (Though - and this may be sacrilegious - I found the last couple of Breaking Bad episodes a bit disappointing. Hopefully the final half-season will tie everything up in a nice bloody package.)
I think there are two shows that stand out. They are similar in premise, completely different in execution, and yet similar (again) in heart.
The second season of Fresh Meat was really good. I enjoyed the first season, but the programme seems to have really hit its stride. It's funny, it's touching, and there are lots of good performances (particularly Zawe Ashton as Vod). I just like hanging out with the characters, and I'm looking forward to the next season.
I've watched Community more than I've watched anything else this year. I watched the new episodes, old episodes on DVD, episodes with commentary, extra features, and several billion gifs on Tumblr.
I still can't decide what it is about Community that I like. I'm certainly in love with at least one of the characters, which helps. The best thing about it is that as soon as you think you have it figured out, they'll throw a curveball and deliver something completely different.
They do 'concept' episodes that don't seem cheap or cynical. There's always an obvious affection for the subject matter. There's a whole episode where the characters play a video game, but there are real-world stakes for their success or failure.
It's easy to see why it has such a devoted (i.e. nutty) fan-base.
Shoe of 2012
The golf clog.
Film of 2012
As usual, I haven't seen enough films to make this section worthwhile. I've moved it down the pecking order, so its redundancy is not so obvious.
Which films have I seen this year? Three superhero ones and The Master and Looper.
I suppose Avengers Assemble is a worthy winner. I've probably seen it too many times, though.
I also saw loads of older films. Some of which were good (Paris, Texas; Drive; A Man For All Seasons) and some were less good (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; The Happening).
Just to make this section slightly interesting, here's a funny film joke:
Q: What did John Ford say to John Wayne?
A: "We can't have two Johns on this set. From now on, call me Fohn Jord. Action!"
Which films have I seen this year? Three superhero ones and The Master and Looper.
I suppose Avengers Assemble is a worthy winner. I've probably seen it too many times, though.
I also saw loads of older films. Some of which were good (Paris, Texas; Drive; A Man For All Seasons) and some were less good (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; The Happening).
Just to make this section slightly interesting, here's a funny film joke:
Q: What did John Ford say to John Wayne?
A: "We can't have two Johns on this set. From now on, call me Fohn Jord. Action!"
Moment of 2012 (new category!)
I think this category will come back to haunt me next year, but I need somewhere to write about this.
Football is a thing I like. The 2011/12 season was perhaps my favourite of them all.
The main thing was that Southampton were promoted to the Premier League. That was tremendous and surprising. (We also seem to be acclimatising to life up in the big time, though it will be a hard season.) But there wasn't really a "moment" that sent us up.
There were also exciting moments with Chelsea winning the FA Cup, and the Champions League (especially with that Neville-moan Torres-goal ridiculous Barca semi-final).
But the end of the Premier League season was the best "moment". Manchester City won the title from United on goal difference with an injury time winner.
I like it for many reasons, but the main one is that it was a rare case of reality working like fiction. The slimmest of margins, then glory plucked from defeat with seconds to go. It's weird. I don't support Man City, but I can't stop watching that Aguero goal on Youtube. I just find myself watching it if I have a free moment. I suppose I dislike United enough for it to seem like a triumph for me!
The real fun comes from the reactions of other people. I love seeing the dejected City fans suddenly become ecstatic, and tears of sadness turning to tears of joy. This video is a compilation of various fans' reactions to that goal. It's lots of fun, even if you don't like football. The response is so extreme that it's ridiculous. But I won't ridicule them, because I'd totally do the same in their position.
Music of 2012
I did a Grooveshark playlist containing my favourite songs of the year. These are probably my favourite songs of 2012.
Ben Folds Five - Do It Anyway
The album was a bit disappointing, but this song is great. Also, the video has Fraggles.
Killer Mike - Don't Die
This is aggressive and sweary and cool.
Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Schnitzel Boogie
This song gets stuck in my head once every three minutes.
Misunderstanding of 2012
I was wrongly named the Sexiest Woman Alive by the readers of FHM magazine. The result was declared null and void when it was discovered that I perished two months previously.
I was wrongly named the Sexiest Woman Alive by the readers of FHM magazine. The result was declared null and void when it was discovered that I perished two months previously.
Knock-Knock Joke of 2012
(Ugh. Thanks for this category, 2011 Paul.)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Jimmy Saville
Oh. I thought you were dead. And... well... tarnished somewhat.
No, that's 'Savile' with one 'l'. I have two.
Oh.
Can I come in?
I'd still prefer it if you didn't. No offence.
None taken.
(Ugh. Thanks for this category, 2011 Paul.)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Jimmy Saville
Oh. I thought you were dead. And... well... tarnished somewhat.
No, that's 'Savile' with one 'l'. I have two.
Oh.
Can I come in?
I'd still prefer it if you didn't. No offence.
None taken.
Stuffed Animal of 2012
I think this will have to go to Martin Startle. He's not only a turtle, but he PROJECTS STARS. Star! Turtle! Startle! Martin!
Lucy bought him for me. He's educational and a turtle. It's a winning combination.
I think this will have to go to Martin Startle. He's not only a turtle, but he PROJECTS STARS. Star! Turtle! Startle! Martin!
Lucy bought him for me. He's educational and a turtle. It's a winning combination.
Tendon of 2012
TenDon the Terrifying.
He's a robot that has the strength of eleven Mafia bosses. But ElevenDon sounded stupid.
TenDon the Terrifying.
He's a robot that has the strength of eleven Mafia bosses. But ElevenDon sounded stupid.
Ordeal of 2012 (new category!)
This one probably won't be hard to fill in each year. I consider a trip to the Post Office as an ordeal.
This year, I've had the house-buying ordeal. But the most visceral displeasure was jury service. It was scary and boring. It only lasted two days, for which I will be eternally grateful to God and the judge that broke my leg.
Albert of 2012
This one probably won't be hard to fill in each year. I consider a trip to the Post Office as an ordeal.
This year, I've had the house-buying ordeal. But the most visceral displeasure was jury service. It was scary and boring. It only lasted two days, for which I will be eternally grateful to God and the judge that broke my leg.
Albert of 2012
Stand-up of 2012
I haven't really seen much stand-up this year (except when I've been performing). But I have listened to some new stuff recently, mainly from Americans. Americans are innately hilarious, because they live far away and sound like films.
Kyle Kinane is very funny. I've also watched Maria Bamford's recent comedy special. She performs a gig with only her parents as an audience. It's strange and compelling. You can download it for not much dough here.
I haven't really seen much stand-up this year (except when I've been performing). But I have listened to some new stuff recently, mainly from Americans. Americans are innately hilarious, because they live far away and sound like films.
Kyle Kinane is very funny. I've also watched Maria Bamford's recent comedy special. She performs a gig with only her parents as an audience. It's strange and compelling. You can download it for not much dough here.
Podcast of 2012
I don't listen to podcasts anymore. Except Marc Maron's WTF podcast, which is still good.
But I'd like to fill in this category with a hilarious joke, where I misunderstand what "podcast" means! Here we go!
My favourite podcast this year were the actors who starred in The Poddington Peas!
They are the "cast" of a show about peas. Peas live in "pods". Pod cast.
(!!!!!!)
I don't listen to podcasts anymore. Except Marc Maron's WTF podcast, which is still good.
But I'd like to fill in this category with a hilarious joke, where I misunderstand what "podcast" means! Here we go!
My favourite podcast this year were the actors who starred in The Poddington Peas!
They are the "cast" of a show about peas. Peas live in "pods". Pod cast.
(!!!!!!)
Number of 2012
Nife.
Nife.
Celebrity Sighting of 2012
I saw Thom Yorke on the way to work the other day. He was wearing a woolly hat. Why? To keep his superfluous letters warm. I didn't see the superfluous 'e', but the superfluous 'h' was sticking out the top.
I saw Thom Yorke on the way to work the other day. He was wearing a woolly hat. Why? To keep his superfluous letters warm. I didn't see the superfluous 'e', but the superfluous 'h' was sticking out the top.
Picture of a Vegetable Made in MS Paint of 2012
Odd Celebrity Crush of 2012
I can't think of any this year. Maybe my tastes have become more sophisticated. I might start fancying newsreaders or John Nettles. I need to grow up.
Language of 2012
Body.
Body.
Tool of 2012
The "Coward's Lathe" (or "sponge").
The "Coward's Lathe" (or "sponge").
Annoyance of 2012
Gambling adverts. They're everywhere. If you watch sport, you can't escape them. I don't think there's anything innately immoral about gambling, but I hate to see massive betting companies trying to sell gambling to the poor as though it's some kind of lifestyle choice.
THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. THEY ARE NOT ON YOUR SIDE. DON'T GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY.
Gambling adverts. They're everywhere. If you watch sport, you can't escape them. I don't think there's anything innately immoral about gambling, but I hate to see massive betting companies trying to sell gambling to the poor as though it's some kind of lifestyle choice.
THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. THEY ARE NOT ON YOUR SIDE. DON'T GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY.
Disclaimer of 2012
I'm writing this whilst bricked-up in an aqueduct.
I'm writing this whilst bricked-up in an aqueduct.
Clothing Item of 2012
My blue shirt. Good old bluey. I'm wearing him right now. I could blend into any blue background. I could drown and no-one would notice. Good old bluey.
Catchphrase of 2012 (new category!)
"I'll say!"
Fact of 2012 (new category!)
There are more atoms in a human finger than there are fingers in a human pie. Stay busy.
My blue shirt. Good old bluey. I'm wearing him right now. I could blend into any blue background. I could drown and no-one would notice. Good old bluey.
Catchphrase of 2012 (new category!)
"I'll say!"
Fact of 2012 (new category!)
There are more atoms in a human finger than there are fingers in a human pie. Stay busy.
Best Bit from My Review of 2012
"Good old bluey."
"Good old bluey."
Prediction for 2013
Lloyd's of London will rename themselves "Floyd's of London", and will relocate to one of the other Londons.
***
This has been far too long. The review has taken almost as long as the year itself.
This is me signing off.
I'll see you in 2013. I'm sure we'll all enjoy debating reactions to the death of Thatcher.
Remember: don't drink too much punch. The rats need their share.
I'll say!
Friday, 27 April 2012
Tom!
I'm not incredibly bored. At least there's that. Some comfort there. Boredom would be an inconvenience. Worse: a burden. But I'm not bored. Boredom is so far away I can barely see it. I've forgotten what boredom is. I'm on a raft adrift on a sea of interest, with no shore and no radio and no provisions. Boredom? I don't even know the meaning of the word.
I might go and get something to eat. Not out of boredom, but out of desire to support the economy. We're all Greece now.
***
I bought a sandwich. It's 3.35pm and I bought a sandwich. This is unprecendented (that's an unprecedented spelling of 'unprecedented' - though, thinking about it, it's probably been spelt that way before, am I right?).
The bread's not fresh. Of course it's not. Homey don't play dat! ("Homey" is another term for bread.) But it's still an sandwich. I'm eating a sandwich while y'all are just eating an air sandwich (an oxygen atom surrounded by two thick-cut granary hydrogen atoms).
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TALKING LIKE THIS.
I've probably been poisoned again. That's what I get for sticking my neck out and injecting it with poison.
Luckily, I also bought some coffee. Coffee is nature's antidote. No poison can stand up to it. If you can die from it, coffee can... stop that from happening.
I've been timing myself since I was nine years old. My stopwatch is long-gone. I was an idiot back then.
Oooh! I have a text! Who's it from! Probably Tom Hanks with another pitch. And I'm all like "Tom!". That's what I'm like. Entirely like that.
Oh. It's from Vodafone. They want my help in finding their missing "ph". The f is doing OK, but it's not long for this world.
They don't have any information on the "ph"'s last known whereabouts, but they do have a photograph.
Oh. There it is. I'll text them back to let them know. "Photograph" doesn't need that second "ph". "Photo" is already an accepted abbreviation. The "ph" can go back to Vodafone, and the "gra" can go to... I don't know... Viagra. They can always use another one. Viagragra.
I'd buy that.
(I wouldn't buy that)
Brackets are funny.
***
It's literally taken me three proofreadings to realise that H2O is water and not air. Why would that be air? Air's got loads of stuff in it, like Nitrogen (N) and Apartheid (A). Why did I think it was H2O? I'm an idiot. My sandwich joke has fallen on deaf ears, and the ears of science.
It's raining. That explains it. I'm not an idiot. Also, I'm struggling to cope with the death of my neighbour. He loved water.
Uh-oh. Why is that sentence running off the edge of the page? What did I do? Is it something to do with that little '2'? You know, the science one. I'm not going to type it again, in case...
Gah! That's illegible!
What, am I going to have to keep pressing return now?
Like some kind of chump?
I just got another text.
It's from Dominos.
They want my help in finding their missing apostrophe.
I have no time for that. Maybe they can make do with the "gra".
They can become Iron Dogmas.
I'd love to have an Iron Dogmas pizza. It sounds delicious.
As long as toppings didn't include:
a) iron
b) dogs
c) pineapple
Hey, you know what would be funny?
If the whole glitch where my text is extending too far doesn't show up when I publish it!
None of the above will make sense!
None of it!
I haven't even finished my coffee. I'd better get back to it. You've distracted me. I'M TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!
Thursday, 20 November 2008
The New ELB
How about a time machine that's a car, but has clocks on the hubcaps? The hands of the clock would be fixed to the wheel, but would reflect the actual time. As you drove forward, the hands would move anti-clockwise, and you'd go back in time. You could travel to the future by reversing.
I think it could be a real hit. I might start up one of those companies that sells pointless gadgets for wanky office workers with no imagination (I'm doing all my Christmas shopping with them this year).
Not that a time machine is pointless, mind you. There are lots of practical applications. You could hit the accelerator and speed into the past, where you could invent a time machine that's a car, but has clocks on the hubcaps.
But I think I'd be good at designing quirky, fun, useless things that people will never use. Like a glow-in-the-dark sundial, or a phone that's also a knife.
The important thing to remember with these things is that they need to seem exciting at first, but turn out to be ultimately disappointing.
I think my company will be called yeah-itsprettygood-imeanitsnotquitewhatiwasexpecting-butthanksanyway.com.
(Not to be confused with butthanks.com, which is a compendium of all of Tom Hanks's nude scenes. My favourite is that deleted scene from Forrest Gump, where he meets Larry Flynt)
My business model is as follows:
- set up an attractive website, displaying all my products
- don't actually make any products, on the assumption that no-one will want to buy them
- sell advertising space to proper companies who sell these kind of things
- count the money, buy a house
If anyone does try and buy one of our products, I can stage some kind of national tragedy or alien invasion, which will distract them long enough for me to hastily build the desired item (it can't take too long to build a pen that is also a pen, can it?)
I'm an entrepreneur, like Henry Sugar. I'll let you know when the site is up and running. I must warn you that the time machine, the sundial and the knife-phone are limited in availability.
But pen-pens are back in stock.
I think it could be a real hit. I might start up one of those companies that sells pointless gadgets for wanky office workers with no imagination (I'm doing all my Christmas shopping with them this year).
Not that a time machine is pointless, mind you. There are lots of practical applications. You could hit the accelerator and speed into the past, where you could invent a time machine that's a car, but has clocks on the hubcaps.
But I think I'd be good at designing quirky, fun, useless things that people will never use. Like a glow-in-the-dark sundial, or a phone that's also a knife.
The important thing to remember with these things is that they need to seem exciting at first, but turn out to be ultimately disappointing.
I think my company will be called yeah-itsprettygood-imeanitsnotquitewhatiwasexpecting-butthanksanyway.com.
(Not to be confused with butthanks.com, which is a compendium of all of Tom Hanks's nude scenes. My favourite is that deleted scene from Forrest Gump, where he meets Larry Flynt)
My business model is as follows:
- set up an attractive website, displaying all my products
- don't actually make any products, on the assumption that no-one will want to buy them
- sell advertising space to proper companies who sell these kind of things
- count the money, buy a house
If anyone does try and buy one of our products, I can stage some kind of national tragedy or alien invasion, which will distract them long enough for me to hastily build the desired item (it can't take too long to build a pen that is also a pen, can it?)
I'm an entrepreneur, like Henry Sugar. I'll let you know when the site is up and running. I must warn you that the time machine, the sundial and the knife-phone are limited in availability.
But pen-pens are back in stock.
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