You were all looking forward to Christmas, weren't you? You were looking forward to the presents and the socialising and the family. You posted Facebook statuses about how Christmassy you were, and how much snow there was, and how filled to the brim with molten joy you were, didn't you?
And all the while I was stewing. Stewing and hating every last one of you. Hating Christmas. Hating giving. Hating 'good will to all men'. Hating 'all women'. Brooding in a frosty shroud of misery and loneliness. It was cold there, and dark, away from all your twinkly lights.
You had the time of your life. But guess what? IT'S OVER. Hahahahaha!
It's all over. You're all sorry to be going back to work. To be leaving the comfort of home. To be taking down the decorations.
But I'm happy! Every sad thought you have about the end of Christmas makes me that much more aroused! I'm glad it's over, and I'm glad you're miserable. Now you know how I felt!
Who's having the last laugh now? It's me! Well, I'm not actually laughing. But I am typing various different combinations of Hs and As, to indicate a maniacal chuckle.
HHHHHHAAAAAAAH!
Ha.
Ahem.
Of course, that was all a joke.
All a joke.
Ha.
But what better way to ring in the new year, and wring the neck of the old one, than with a:
Review of 2009
This is my third one of these, so it's becoming as beloved an annual tradition as The Execution of Jools Holland, or drinking the mulled blood of Alan Shearer. You can enjoy the previous ones here:
2007
2008
Why not laugh at my archaic mode of speech, or mock me for my lack of foresight (or my lack of foreskin).
What a year it has been! Celebrities have died, normal people have died, normal people have been born.
But no celebrities have been born. That's weird. At the current rate, this deficit may entail the extinction of celebrities.
So there's something to look forward to.
As is traditional, I'll use the same categories as last year, and add a few new ones, as I'm SUCH A FUN GUY.
Life-Changing Event of 2009
Stabbings aside, I suppose the biggest life-changing event this year was starting to do stand-up (semi-)regularly. It seems like longer than a year, to be honest. I'm glad I've managed to keep it up. It hasn't really changed my life, though, except by adding short periods of stress to my otherwise stress-free existence.
Film of 2009
As usual, I can't remember what films I've seen this year.
It's odd, but although I have many traits of a film buff (I know a bit of film history, name-check Kurosawa and Fellini to make myself sound clever, obsess over aspect ratios, am a pretentious loser etc), I don't actually see that many films. It's like being a teetotal wine critic.
I remember seeing Watchmen, which was quite good, and Synecdoche, New York which was quite good. I also saw Up, which was excellent. But I think I have to go with my Coen-bias and pick A Serious Man as my film of 2009. It were good.
TV Programme of 2009
I'm struggling to think of any television I've watched this year. Though I watch a lot of DVDs, I don't watch much TV.
I did enjoy Peep Show this year, which seemed to return to its past glory. But I suppose the best thing of 2009 was Life. Attenborough, you old swine! Often amazing, sometimes disturbing, but always able to demonstrate the many alien wonders of our little planet.
Music of 2009
I've been a bit lax in my music listeningship this year. There's not much that jumps out at me. Sometimes a robot kangaroo will jump out at me. But only if I haven't turned it off.
I think the winner for 2009 is The Twilight Sad, who have released yet another excellent album, Forget The Night Ahead:
Song of the year goes to Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers. I don't know if a song from over 30 years ago is eligible. But still.
Adam and Joe played this a few weeks ago, and I've become quite obsessed:
Stuffed Animal of 2009 (new category!)
At Lucy's house, we found a Beanie Baby buffalo. We called him Mark Buffalo (after this guy). He's great.Tendon of 2009 (new category!)
The Achilles tendon. That's the only one I know by name.
Stand-up of 2009
I haven't seen as much comedy this year. And I hate to be repetitive, but I think Daniel Kitson has retained his crown (unlike Jack from Jack & Jill).
Podcast of 2009
Another winner that isn't from this year. Lucy and I have been listening to old Russell Brand podcasts, and they are hilarious. I know Brand is a divisive figure, but these are superb. So imaginative, so spontaneous, so disgusting, so appalling, so puerile, so pretentious, and very very funny.
You can download them here. I advise you to do so.
Number of 2009
2008
Celebrity Sighting of 2009
I saw Simon Amstell in London, dressed a bit like a hobo. It might have just been a hobo.
Odd Celebrity Crush of 2009
Emma Fryer is a comedian an actress, who I know almost nothing about. She stars in the really good BBC2 comedy-drama Home Time and was in Comedy Showcase pilot PhoneShop. She's quite odd looking, but has a presence and intensity that is simply captivating.Language of 2009 (new category!)
Navajo
Clothing Item of 2009 (new category!)
Left sock.
Best Bit from My Review of 2009
"adding short periods"
Prediction for 2010
Long, purple, linen shorts.
***
That's it. If you got all the way through that: congratulations!
2009 has been another good year for me! I'm patting myself on the back as we speak. But I'm not using my hands.
(I don't know what that means)
Here's to another good year, and a period of financial recovery, world peace, love and respect for all living things. Until Christmas, when Mr Spite makes his spiky return.
Happy New Year everybody!
No comments:
Post a Comment