Backblog Conclusions

Just to sum up:

• I posted things, most of which were no good
• I didn't like them, and am not proud of them
• I promoted a couple of them, but got embarrassed
• Doing this didn't spur me on to start writing again
• So I guess this is the end of the blog. Goodbye.

Humphrey Cobb to thank

Eyes Wide Shut is a pretty rubbish name for a film, isn't it?

It's like something I'd name a blog post. Just a mildly interesting turn of phrase.

It doesn't even have anything to do with the plot of the film. No, it doesn't, Stanley. No, it doesn't.

It should have been called Sydney Pollack's Day Out.

*Googles Sydney Pollack*

*checks spelling*

*checks he was in Eyes Wide Shut*

*closes tab*

*nods and smiles*

In fact, that's what it should have been called.

Nods and Smiles.

Stanley Kubrick's Nods and Smiles.

Stanley Kubrick's divisive swansong: Nods and Smiles.

It reflects the themes of the film just as much as Eyes Wide Shut. Especially the nods.

Eyes Wide Shut... jeez.

Eyes Wide Shut UP, more like!

Ha! Good one, me.

You can't shut something wide.

Doors can be wide open, they can't be wide shut.

Legal cases can be blown wide open by a new, crucial, piece of evidence. They can't be blown wide shut.

And you can't shut something narrow either. Even the negation is incorrect.

He had such a good track record with film titles up until then, too.

The Killing has a killing in it. I assume. I haven't seen that one.

Paths of Glory had a bitter irony to it, but I think we have Humphrey Cobb to thank for that (he wrote the novel on which it was based).

Spartacus had Spartacus in it.

Lolita had Lolita in it.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb had Dr Strangelove and some jokes in it.

2001: A Space Odyssey is probably Clarke's work.

A Clockwork Orange has a clockwork orange in it, in the extended cut that's just been released, partially filmed at a now-citrussy Beaverbrooks.

Barry Lyndon has Barry Lyndon is it.

[What? Yes, I am going to do them all. Yes, I know I've already made my point. Yes, I know I didn't include Killer's Kiss for some reason.]

The Shining has the shining in it.

Full Metal Jacket probably refers to some kind of jacket in the film. I haven't seen it for a while.

But Eyes Wide Shut does not have eyes that are wide shut in it because, as I said, that's not a thing.

And the sort-of-Kubrick A.I. Artificial Intelligence is almost giving us too much information, but that's probably on Spielberg.

I suppose he was probably ill, so he can't really be blamed for such complete artistic failure. The title of the film, I mean. Not the film itself. Which was only a partial artistic failure.

***

I'm not going to publish this. I'm just going to throw it on the pile of draft blogs that is slowly accumulating. I'm happy to include weak stand-up from the year 2000.

And then, when I have enough of a backlog, and the banks of my river are about to burst, I'll drop the whole lot of them onto an unsuspecting public, like a... uh... baker, who.... hasn't baked bread for a long time, and then suddenly reveals that he has been baking bread all along, and here it is everyone! And sorry that most of it is stale now. It's probably not good to eat - it's been sitting in the larder for months and months. And - what's that? Who am I? Oh, you've forgotten who I am? Because I've been gone for so long. I see. I'm the baker. Hmm? No, not a professional baker, no. I used to bake for fun. I was quite prolific. I'd do a farmhouse loaf here, and a Chelsea bun there; a massive baguette one week and a crouton the next. Did they taste good? I thought so, yes. Did anyone eat the stuff I made? No, almost no-one.

Almost no-one.

Anyway, here's three hundred kilos of mouldy baps.

It's in a big heap on your lawn. Sorry, I didn't have any bags.

And now the dump-truck's driving away.

I'll wave and see if he can come back...

No, he didn't see me.

...

...

...

See you later.

***

That's how it will go.

Tell Him Something Pretty

I just finished a rewatch of Deadwood. 'Tell Him Something Pretty' is the title of the final episode.

I like that title, so I thought I'd write a blog post called 'Tell Him Something Pretty' even though I don't want to write about anyone telling anyone else something pretty, and I don't want to write about Deadwood.

I may have figured out why writing this blog is so difficult. It's because I'm writing not for its own sake, but because I want to go back in time. I want to go back to the time in my life when I did write blog posts, and I can't. It's like fighting against the current. That's why I keep writing these and not posting them (see a lack of hyperlink here for examples of previous unpublished posts). As I type, I have a momentary sense of treading water, but I can't go backwards.

Trying to write has the futility of those anxiety dreams I have all the time. I had one recently where I was trying to fill the dishwasher, but every time I thought I was close, more dirty crockery would appear, and I'd have to reorganise things. Even with my superior dishwasher organising skills, it was impossible to finish.

I haven't yet dreamt about writing a blog post that I'm unable to post. Maybe it will happen tonight.

Of course, I could just post this. I could just post the other ones. I could post a story I've already written: just a basic copy and paste job.

I could... but I can't.

Because of the reason up there. The one about not being able to go back in time.

I need to convince myself to travel forward in time, not backwards. I may not be able to go back to blog-writing times in the past, but I could travel into a future where I write. That's a journey I can make. I can get carried along by the current instead of fighting it, I can relax and I can float, I can catch my sleeve on a fountain pen, I can dash my head on the rocks of stream metaphors somewhere round the bend in two-thousand-and-god-damned-nineteen-or-some-shit.

But I don't want to hurl myself into the future. Donald Trump is President there. I can barely even bring myself to write it. Donald Trump is President there. And Brexit. And... everything else. Things genuinely are much worse now, right? It's not just a subjective thing, is it? You know I hate it when people imbue their own times with MAJOR SIGNIFICANCE just because they're alive. I don't think I'm doing that. It just is that bad.

It's no wonder I want to go back in time. Even treading water is better than going forward. Even trying to tread water is better than going forward.

***

OK - I just went to get lunch, and I was mulling it over. Maybe the world isn't that much worse. I put my pessimism down to two things: Twitter and Southampton Football Club.

Twitter

I don't have any friends. You might think that would be the headline of this issue, but I'm going with Twitter. I don't have any friends, so my only real view of the outside world comes from Twitter. And maybe it's just the people I follow, but Twitter mainly gives me the despair of current events, and the negativity of reactions to said events, and the further negativity of reactions to said reactions.

***

[Contemporary Edit: I never finished this. What a shame. It was so interesting and original. If only we could hear more about why Twitter is bad. Alas...]

It Gets Better (Not life. That doesn't get better. I'm talking about the blog.)

There was always doubt, but I stayed ahead of it. The words came, and the doubt followed. But the doubt was never strong enough to justify deletion. Well, maybe sometimes. But it was rare.

But I got slower, and the doubt got stronger. The doubt and the words were neck and neck. Sometimes the words won, sometimes the doubt. Sometimes the neck.

But now it's not even a contest. The doubt is way ahead, and the words are ess ell oh doubleyou.

The doubt is a mile in the lead, and it's laminating the track. My crayons have no purchase, they just squeak feebly as I stumble.

So now there are no words. There aren't even any gifs or embedded videos. It's not even about the words. It's about confidence.

The doubt is the undisputed champion. So undisputed that this whole thing, which you would think would be so long as to be undeletable, will never see the light of day.

And in the past, when I wrote with similar skepticism, I would end up posting it anyway. And in the back of my mind, I knew I'd post it.

But I'm not going to post this. There's no question about it.

Even though I'm essentially goading myself into posting it, I'm not going to.

I suppose certainty is a kind of comfort.

***

[Contemporary Edit: Now I am posting this. Certainty has been yanked off me like so many stolen blankets.]

The Backblog Project

What if I kept writing this blog, every day, for over a year but didn't post anything?

Can you imagine?

Well, I haven't been doing that.

But (and it's a medium but) I have done about ten.

They're sitting there in Draft, rattling their prison bars, yanking their rusty chains, gnawing at, like, some kind of warden or whatever. They want out. Soon, my pretties. Soon.

These are an assortment of posts deemed unpublishable for a number of reasons. Some are inflammatory. Some were written at a time when I felt incapable of dealing with the praise they would inevitably generate. Some were all ready to go when I was called into the kitchen to rescue a burning cake.

The only thing they have in common is that they're not of sufficient quality to publish.

Not on their own, anyway.

But if I put them all out there, as part of an overarching project, these insufficient crumbs will form a lumpen scone that just about passes muster.

I'm going to try to publish a post a day for ten days. I'll seem quite prolific.

Prolificacy (or prolificy, or prolificness) is all a matter of timescales. If you cram a couple of good things into a single second, you can claim to be prolific. But if those good things are spread over four point two billion years, people will make fun of your sporadic output.

One man's 'Terrence Malick' is another man's 'Terrence Malick from 2011 onwards'.

I think I just explained explained what the word 'prolific' means. What a waste of time!

At the moment, it says (11) next to the Draft posts. That's because of this one. This is also a draft.

Wouldn't it be funny if I didn't post this one either? Imagine if this one was thrown into jail cell to join the others, crammed in, American-style, never to see the light of day.

How ironic that would be!

But no. I will post this one. This is up-to-the minute. By means of proof, to show you how current this is, I can tell you that...

*checks newspaper headline*

print isn't dead.

Through the Looping-Glass

I found a scrap of paper, wedged between two bench slats. It drew my attention because the paper was clean and starched-stiff, and sticking up like a proud feather.

I picked it up and read. In crisp, clear, hand-written text were written the words "PLEASE TURN OVER".

I turned it over, and read the other side. In crisp, clear, hand-written text were written the words "TURN OVER".

I didn't appreciate the lack of a please, so I thought "forget it" and tucked the paper back in the bench. All I want is a modicum of politeness.

Now I'll never know what was on the other side.

Good afternoon.

I've been re-reading old blog posts recently. Some of them are pretty good - even the ones I didn't like at the time. That means that in the future, I might enjoy re-reading this one.

Especially if the format is

INTERESTING.

No-one wants to re-read a wall of plain text.

I will now transcribe a conversation that took place during at least three separate Revolutionary Wars:

***

Head Revolutionary: Let's revolt.

Followers: We agree. On one condition.

Head Revolutionary: What's that?

Followers: When the existing system is overthrown, we should all get matching tattoos.

Head Revolutionary: *shrug* That's it? You don't even need my permission for that. That's totally up to you.

Followers: Yeah. No, we knew that. Of course.

Head Revolutionary: Oh, hang on. Did you want me to get one too?

Followers: Get one what?

Head Revolutionary: A tattoo.

Followers: Oh. No, we weren't thinking that.

Head Revolutionary: I will. I totally will. I'd be happy to get one.

Followers: No, it's OK.

Head Revolutionary: Right. So that was the only condition?

Followers: *conferring, whispering* Actually, no. We have a new condition. The tattoo one wasn't the real one. This is the real one.

Head Revolutionary: OK - shoot.

Followers: When the existing system is overthrown, we should all get Korean food.


Head Revolutionary: Korean food.


Followers: Yes. It’s non-negotiable. We won’t revolt unless we get Korean food.


Head Revolutionary: And that’s definitely your only condition?


Followers: *conferring, whispering* Yes. *conferring, whispering* Or a high-end pie.


Head Revolutionary: Fine. 100% agreed. Do you want me to pay?


Followers: No, we’ll all chip in.


Head Revolutionary: Great. So… revolution?


Followers: *cheering, fist-pumping* Revolution!!


But the revolution fails because the tattoos and the Korean octopus curry contain lethally incompatible inks.


***

I can’t wait to re-read that.

In my forties.

Fung on Film

Preamble

At the beginning of the year, I was feeling crushed under the weight of many unwatched films.

These were a combination of birthday/Christmas presents, frivolous purchases, recordings and things on my Netflix queue.

Because I'm really indecisive, I found myself paralysed with indecision about which film to watch first, and ended up watching nothing at all. My inability to make a simple choice meant I was forced to spend my evening reading or speaking with family.

To solve this terrible situation, I decided to write a list of all of my outstanding films and to watch them in alphabetical order. That way, I didn't have to think. My decision had already been made for me, by the inventor of the alphabet: Professor Maxwell Alphabet.

So that's what I did. Mostly. A couple of these were watched out of order - but that doesn't invalidate the experiment. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it.

Some of these films I had seen before, but wanted to re-watch. Some of these I'd seen part of in the past. Some of them I'd lied about seeing in the past to seem cool.

I also decided to give them all a rating on a five star scale.

I never normally rank films that I watch, but it seemed like providing some kind of formal assessment would legitimise the whole endeavour. Also, I found that you can do a cool-looking star symbol.

Of course, the ratings are totally arbitrary. Is Barry Lyndon exactly as good as Green Room? I don't know. They're completely different and are trying to do different things. But it is a good way of noting which films I loved, which films I liked, which films I didn't like, and which films were The Lobster.

Here are my thoughts on each of them. These will inevitably get shorter and shorter as I run out of energy and enthusiasm. Unless I write this over a number of months, to keep myself from losing steam. Probably a good idea, as Thanksgiving is coming up...

*** (this is a section break, not a rating)

The Films


A Nightmare on Elm Street
★★★

I know, I know. This should alphabetically be under 'N'. But I wanted to watch this first for some reason.

I don't think I've ever seen this before. I'm not really a huge horror fan, but it seems like an 'important' film, and I can't let anything culturally significant pass me by.

Having said that, I can't name a single Ed Sheeran song. I'm not proud of it - I just haven't been exposed to him. I view modern culture through a tiny pinhole and have no friends.

Why am I talking about Ed Sheeran? I don't think he has anything to do with the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Though he does look like he might wear stripey jumpers.

I feel like I couldn't really judge this film objectively. I've seen so many clips, parodies and references that it was hard to watch it as its own thing. There were inventive death scenes, but I didn't get much out of it. It's hard to be scared by Freddie Krueger these days. He's just a cultural reference point. It's like being scared by Mickey Mouse.

Actually, Mickey Mouse is pretty scary.

Barry Lyndon
(re-watch)
★★★★

I bought a Stanley Kubrick Blu-ray box set last year. I'd seen most of the films before, but it was cheap and I'm a straight white male in his mid-30s, so am required by law to think Kubrick is the bee's knees.

My impressions were immediately soured by the fact that the set (which includes a giant book), was going to mess with my OCD. And by OCD, I mean a mild preference for Blu-ray boxes to be the same size. That's what OCD is, right? It's not debilitating or serious or anything. It's just getting miffed when one box is taller than the other, or if a band releases two albums with the same font on the cover, and then a third in a different font.

You know: OCD.

Also, you feel compelled to wash your hands after handling excrement.

OCD.

I have that and it makes me eccentric and interesting.

Anyway, the box containing the discs is the height of a DVD box and not a Blu-ray box. That is terrible. And for it to contain the works of notorious control freak Stanley Kubrick is a double-insult: tantamount to spitting in his widow's face.

He must be turning in his grave. Albeit turning in a giant hamster-wheel that gives the impression that he's moving, when actually... he's...

That was going to be a reference to that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey, where... This might be too specific.

Where was I?

Oh yes: Ed Sheeran.

I mean: Barry Lyndon.

I'd seen this before, but not for a while. What to say about it? It's like watching a load of beautiful paintings come to life. And I think there's a plot as well. And Leonard Rossiter.

Am I a film reviewer yet?

Birth
★★★

I love Under the Skin. I like Sexy Beast.

So I thought I'd seek out Jonathan Glazer's other film: Birth. I'd heard mixed reviews, which must have influenced me, because mine's mixed too.

The film has been criticised for being creepy. Which it is.

Nicole Kidman thinks her dead husband has been reincarnated in the body of a 10-year-old. Because the 10-year-old says that's who he is.

And things happen. No, not those things. But close enough.

It's a great-looking film and Kidman's performance is fantastic. But I don't think it ever gets past the implausibility of the plot.

I don't need my plots to always be plausible, but I need the characters to behave in a mode consistent with the tone of the film. And they don't scrutinise the whole dead husband thing enough, so it ends up being interesting, but a bit unsatisfying.

Blue Ruin
★★★1/2

Lean, violent, tense. I think I'm biased towards any film that's 90 minutes or less because I admire restraint. As you can tell by the brevity of this post, and my reluctance to get sidetracked talking about Ed Sheeran.

Commando
★★1/2

Like A Nightmare on Elm Street, I probably should have seen this when I was 13. I somehow missed it, even though I saw and liked a lot of other Schwarzenegger films at the time.

This was a pretty stupid movie. But I didn't mind because the world was stupid and everyone in it was stupid. I like consistency.

This was pretty fun.

Dekalog (and extras)
★★★★1/2

Ah, Dekalog.

Kieslowski.

Poland.

Grzegorz Rasiak.

I don't know whether to consider myself a film buff. I never go to the cinema, which suggests not. But I also use the phrase "depth of field" when discussing lenses with Marty Scorsese. It's a tricky balance.

There are still big gaps in my film knowledge (a big Goddard-shaped hole, an Italian neorealism-shaped hole, a massive Alvin and the Chipmunks Squeakquel chasm), but I try to make sure I cover the major directors, but only if they're straight, white, or Akira Kurosawa.

Over the past few years, I've got up to speed on three of the northern European giants*: Ingmar Bergman, Andrei Tarkovsky and Krzysztof Kieślowski. I usually scoff them down, several films at a time until I'm all bloated and morose.

I don't know if they should be grouped together, but they all do seem to have a fascination with dreams, death and religion. I'll talk about Bergy and Tarky later on.

Kieślowski (and yes I have been copying and pasting that weird s with the accent), I only really knew from the Three Colours trilogy, which is pretty great. But I bought this big box set because I'd heard it was very good. It is.

Dekalog is ten-part series made for Polish television - each episode relates (however loosely) to one of the Ten Commandments. There's some crossover, but they're mostly stand-alone things. A couple of them were expanded into features. They feature lots of moral dilemmas and the occasional 80s hairdo. (It was made in the 80s - it's not a stylistic choice.)

What I like about Kieślowski is that even though some of his work seems a bit high-concept (The Ten Commandments! Films based around the colours in the French flag! That one about a ghost!), it never seems excessive or artificial. It's just the exploration of a particular scenario in a subtle and interesting way.

There's also an interesting variety of characters, with different points of view. Quite a few of the episodes feature female protagonists, which is good. (I won't check the gender ratio. I'll probably discover that there are only two women in the series, and one of them is a robot.)

Dekalog is well worth a watch. You can binge it like an HBO series.

There are also lots of other things in the box set: early documentaries and features by Kieślowski (which I should really rate separately to bump up my numbers), and some good contextualising featurettes.

The Double Life of Veronique
★★★★★

I respect Krzysztof Kieślowski for placing two of his greatest works alphabetically close together. It's neat.

I loved this film. I've discovered that lots of the films I like share elements in common: beautiful imagery, a dreamlike atmosphere, an unconventional structure, and... puppets?

I feel like this film belongs to the strangely specific sub-genre of films that feature two women merging identities in some way. The others that I can think of are Bergman's Persona, Robert Altman's 3 Women and David Lynch's Mulholland Drive. I like all of these films. I don't know why.

It's reassuring to know that I'm enlightened enough to watch female-led films, as long as they're being directed by a man, often in a somewhat prurient fashion.

Enlightened, I am.

Anyway, Veronique is great, even if it slightly suffers from Return of the King-itis where I could have done with losing a couple of endings.


Dressed to Kill
★★

I don't get Brian De Palma. I like Blow Out, I guess. But I keep hearing how he's very original actually and isn't just copying better directors. I feel like the only people who like him were 14 when they got into him and thought he was a genius because they didn't recognise his faults.

He's the Tarantino of the 80s. Except I was 14 when Pulp Fiction came out, so I wrongly think Quentin is a genius.

I don't know who the 00s equivalent is. Oh, I know:

Edgar Wright.

Yeah, I said it.

Come at me!

(Not really, Edgar. I like you. I didn't mean it.)

On second thoughts, I just checked De Palma's filmography and quite like a lot of it.

Disregard.

Dressed to Kill is no good, though.


Eureka
★★★★

This film is batshit crazy.

I bought it because I like Nicholas Roeg, I like Gene Hackman, and I bloody love Greek exclamations.

I don't want to spoil it, so I'll try not to give away too many details. But it begins with a crazy gold-mining bit that's all dream-like and intense, then it turns into a weird family drama, then there's a bit that's like a gangster film (with Joe Pesci!), then it turns nuts again with an inexplicable voodoo sequence that's totally unrelated to the plot, then there's a crazy graphic death scene. (I've repeated the word 'crazy' a lot there.)

If that was it, I would be throwing five stars all over the place.

But then it turns into a courtroom drama that I kind-of lose interest in. There's a long (very well-delivered) monologue by one of the characters, that's all stagey and ridiculous. And I was like "where did all the snakes and guns and prophecies go?".

The actress delivering the speech is Theresa Russell, who was married to Roeg at the time. And it feels like he put it in with a view to getting her an Oscar nomination.

Still, it's well worth seeing.

Eyes Wide Shut
★★★

Kubrick again. About a third of the way through this film, I was really enjoying it and thinking it was an underrated gem. But then it loses momentum.

It's trying to be about three different films. One is an intense personal drama about sexual jealousy between a married couple, one is a surreal yarn, with eccentric characters and a fun, dark adventure (that was my favourite bit), and one is a conventional conspiracy thriller with no real resolution.

Kidman was great again, but it's weird watching Tom Cruise in anything.

I feel like his real-world activities have made him such an oddball that there's an interesting edge to all of his films. He's a leading man, but he's essentially become a character actor because he's just crazy. I can't work out if his presence in the film ruins it or makes it watchable.

Fanny and Alexander
(re-watch)
★★★★★

Bergman time, baby.

I watched several of his films in a binge a couple of years ago. I like him.

Fanny and Alexander is awesome. I'd previously only seen the theatrical version, but I liked it so much I bought a multi-region Blu-ray player, just so I could get the extended TV version too.

And now I face a dilemma. Is Fanny and Alexander one of the best films I've ever seen, or one of the best TV series I've ever seen? I suppose it's both.

As I watched the TV version, maybe it doesn't belong on this list. But I'm writing this now, and it would be a shame to have italicised all of those words for nothing.

This is probably one of the most accessible things he's done. It's one of those films where you appreciate the production design. The sets are amazing, the costumes are amazing, the moustaches are so real you feel like you could twizzle them.

It has some of his usual existential angst, but also lots of funny bits. The main plot involves the titular F and A moving from their opulent, loving family home to live with a new stepfather who's strict and puritanically religious. So there are bits that are like a children's story, but there's also good stuff about ageing, and theatre, and philosophy.

The fourth episode is one of the best bits of TV I've ever seen.

Also, it has dreams and puppets, so you know I'm on board.


Green Room
★★★★

See my review of Blue Ruin above (this is directed by the same guy). Even though it clocks in at an excessive 95 minutes, I enjoyed this quite a lot. It was nerve-wracking and very violent. And a bit silly. And Picard was in it.

Hunt for the Wilderpeople
★★★1/2

This was likeable. That may be damning it with faint praise, but I haven't got anything else to say about it. Was Ed Sheeran in it? Maybe he was. Maybe he was.


The Lobster
★1/2

I didn't like this film.

It's a dark indie comedy with a strange premise and a good cast.

I didn't like it.

I did like one of the director's previous films, Dogtooth. Maybe if this one had been made in Greek, I would have liked it because there would have been an extra barrier between me and the material. Weird Foreign always seems to be of a higher quality than Weird English.

I admire Colin Farrell for playing a lead role that's so dull and unappealing. It's impressive. But also dull and unappealing.

My main observation of The Lobster was that it was a lot like one of my blog posts.

Is that arrogant? Probably not if I hated the film.

Just like one of my 'amusing' posts, it has weird stilted dialogue, a bizarre premise and a couple of funny things. Then it loses momentum, fails to deliver anything satisfying and just wanders round in a circle aimlessly until the end.

But whereas this format is charming for a short blog post, it is not appropriate for a 118 minute feature.

Also, I wanted to see someone turn into an animal. They promised us people turning into animals, and it only happens off-screen. What about the people turning into animals?

McCabe and Mrs Miller
(re-watch)
★★★★★

I love this film. It's a 'revisionist' Western, which means it's boring.

You can't hear the dialogue and everyone looks cold. My favourite bit is where Julie Christie eats four fried eggs and some stew.

I never really thought of Warren Beatty as much of an actor, but he's great in this.

This is in my top twenty favourite films of all time. I haven't made such a list, but McCabe and Mrs Miller will be on it (as long as I can count the Twilight saga as just one entry).

Nostalghia
(re-watch)
★★★★1/2

Andrei Tarkovsky is the third of my giants. He's all dreams and puppets (except maybe not the puppets).

His Mirror is one of my favourite films. Tarkovsky makes, by some distance, the most beautiful films I've ever seen. Even if there was no plot (and often, there's no "if" about it), you can just revel in the visuals. I often find myself rewinding, just so I can see something again, or to work out how some magical illusion could possibly have been filmed.

There's lots of those kinds of things in Nostalghia. The final shot is nuts.

This isn't a spoiler because: a) no-one is reading this, b) no-one will watch this film, and c) it's not some key plot point - like Keyser Soze being Bruce Willis.

(I was going to describe it, but here it is. Not sure a YouTube clip is the best way to watch it, but at least this will break up my WALL OF TEXT).




The Sacrifice
★★★★

Hey, just like Kieslowksi (I can't be bothered to find that accent), he's stuck his two films on this list next to each other alphabetically!

What a man.

This is his last film, and is pretty dark. It looks amazing too. I could embed the final scene of this one too, but instead. I'll copy this amusing anecdote. I can't verify this is genuine, but I hope it is.

Tarkovsky was sitting in the corner of the screening room watching Solaris with me, but he got up as soon as the film was over and looked at me with a shy smile. I said to him, ‘It’s very good. It’s a frightening movie.’ He seemed embarrassed but smiled happily. Then the two of us went to a film union restaurant and toasted with vodka. Tarkovsky, who does not usually drink, got completely drunk and cut off the speakers at the restaurant, then began singing the theme of Seven Samurai at the top of his voice. I joined in, eager to keep up. At that moment, I was very happy to be on Earth.

—	Akira Kurosawa

The Terminator
(re-watch)
★★★★★

The Terminator is awesome, right?

To Kill a Mockingbird
★★★★1/2

Racism is wrong.

Upstream Color
(re-watch)
★★★★

In a way, this has a lot of similarities to The Lobster. It's a weird indie film with a strange premise (involving animals). But I like Upstream Color a lot.

I don't know why.

Shane Carruth, the director, also made Primer, which I didn't like very much. That one is a low budget time travel film that, though technically impressive, is still composed mainly of scenes where two nasal men talk to each other for ages.

Upstream Color is much better looking and, for me, much more interesting.

It's the kind of thing that might be labelled "pretentious bollocks".

I might label it that.

It's so difficult to articulate what makes one "pretentious bollocks" film seem transcendant and mysterious and emotional, and another seem like les bollocks prétentieux.

I was reading an article about Eraserhead recently, and in the comments underneath, amidst the praise and fun anecdotes, there were several people who felt compelled to point out that it was all a load of rubbish and that we'd all been hoodwinked into thinking it was a masterpiece.

The temptation is to think "well, they don't understand it". But that's not right, is it? It's not about understanding. The fact that it's difficult to understand is what makes these kinds of films appealing in the first place.

I have no doubt that some people would see a Tarkovsky film and feel like it was some joke that everyone else was in on.

But there are good and bad experimental films, right? So how do we know which is which? Can we intellectualise it, or is it a gut reaction? Do you just know one film is a profound masterpiece and one is a load of art school wank?

One man's Terrence Malick film is another man's... recent Terrence Malick film.

I suppose just as examining too closely the meaning of Lynch or Tarkovsky or Upstream Color ruins the magic, examining our reasons for enjoying them ruins it too.

You need to open your mind to begin to explore this great mysteries, and then quickly close your mind so you don't figure out why you opened it in the first place.

Upstream Color's pretty good, anyway.

*** (this is a section break, not a rating)

Postamble

I also watched Little Big Man and Doctor Strange recently, but they weren't on the original list. I wasn't a big fan of the former and forgot the latter, even as I was watching it.

Wow. That was long.

I just spent over 3500 words basically itemising my own preferences. That's pretty self-indulgent.

I wonder if I should break this into two parts.

Nah. I think I can trust my zero readers to have a long attention span. Their lives must be pretty empty, and I'm sure they want everything in one big chunk, just in case they're run over by lightning tomorrow.

*** (this is a section break, not a rating)

Analysis

Let's run the numbers.

Twenty films on the original list. If we assume I started watching them on January 1st (which is an incorrect assumption), I think I've watched a film roughly every four and a bit days.

Wow, that's uninteresting.

Five star films

Which are the big winners? Which films get the coveted honour of five shining black stars placed next to their titles by a nobody?

The Double Life of Veronique
★★★★★
Fanny and Alexander
(re-watch)
★★★★★
McCabe and Mrs Miller
(re-watch)
★★★★★

The Terminator
(re-watch)
★★★★★

Of the films I watched for the first time, only Veronique gets top marks. Maybe I shouldn't grade films I've only seen once. A one-off viewing is liable to be influenced by mood, atmosphere and how many lines of cocaine were consumed by the critic.

But these are my four primary recommendations. See these.

Which decade is the best represented by my twenty?

60s: 1
70s: 2
80s: 9
90s: 2
00s: 1
10s: 5

Heavy 80s bias there. And nothing before 1960. I think that tells you a lot about who I am and how many friends I have.

Number of films with Michael Caine in them?

1

Number of films with prominent gunplay?

12

Number of films with prominent pigs?

2

Number of films with people being burned to death?

Tough to say. At least 3.

Number of Gregory Pecks?

1. Two if you count the parrot in Nostalghia, whose real name was Gregory Pecks. (There was no parrot in Nostalghia.)

*** (this is a section break, not a rating)

Conclusion

I have wasted my life.

Ed Sheeran.

*not literal giants
(this is an asterisk, not a rating)

Registered

I haven't forgotten.

As I did with my previous post, today I intended to mine content from the two years I've spent off the radar.

The trouble is, there isn't any. My best content has always been from my time on the radar.

I had copious beeps and boops to use as inspiration. It was on the radar that I came up with the characters of the Roadrunner and Betty Boop. I also detected aircraft, which was some of my most rewarding work.

But since I climbed down off the radar, I haven't been so prolific.

Maybe I should mount some other kind of detector or sensing technology, such as a Geiger counter or a sheaf of litmus paper.

I might recapture some of my glory days and see how acidic they were.

***

I'm glad I wrote 'sheaf' just then. I'd forgotten how pleasurable it is to write 'sheaf'.

But only if it's pronounced properly. It should rhyme with reef, not with chef.

The only time the latter pronunciation is acceptable is when using a contraction for "sheep-deaf" (which is what happens when you have wool in your ears).

"The entire flock was lost to wolves because the shepherd was sheaf. A crook does not a Q-tip make."

***

I tried "cotton bud" in place of "Q-tip" there, but it didn't flow as nicely. I've abandoned my country and my culture, and spat on the queen's hat. All for the sake of - what I think we all agree is - the PERFECT SENTENCE.

This hasn't been the longest of blog posts, but it has contained a high concentration of ideas.

To make it a bit longer, I'm going to try and embed a Tumblr post. I hope it works.

I've watched quite a few films over the past couple of years. One of them is the John Cassavetes film A Woman Under The Influence.

It features a fantastic performance by Gena Rowlands. It's great, but it's pretty hard to watch. Apparently, Richard Dreyfuss said, to sum up his glowing review of the film, "I went crazy. I went home and vomited". I'm totally on board with that.

Instead of watching it, you can just scroll through this picture set. It tells its own story.

See you next time, fans!

http://sesiondemadrugada.tumblr.com/post/152742651665/a-woman-under-the-influence-john-cassavetes

***

(Hey, it did work! All Hail Tumblr. Ger ready for many future posts of animal gifs and feminist propaganda.)

One Toe

I've started this blog post fifty times in the past - Jesus - two years.

Sometimes just in my head. Sometimes on screen. One time in the condensation on a perspex riot shield.

What can I say? How do I explain?

I could sum everything up in a glib manner. I could just start afresh, and pretend I'd never been away. I could give a long explanation of everything I've been through, with photos and a YouTube montage.

But instead, I'm doing this. Which is none of those things.

How have you been?

If you've been reloading this blog page daily for the past two years, hoping for an update: it's your fucking birthday.

Here's your cake.

***

A couple of months ago, I tested the waters.

I was trying to ease my way back into online life. But I'd forgotten how. It seemed so alien. It was like using... a... simile. I couldn't believe this used to be my bread and butter. I didn't even remember what shape a loaf was, or what instrument that Lurpak dude used to play.

So I went for the basics. First, I posted a photo of a sunset on Facebook:

Posted by Paul Fung on Sunday, December 18, 2016

Then I took part in a popular meme on Twitter:

Me at the start of 2016 vs me at the end of 2016. pic.twitter.com/wujCY00flJ

— Paul Fung (@diamondbadger) December 10, 2016

Neither of these things generated much response. But they weren't meant to.

I was just learning to walk again after years in a non-perambulatory coma. Or gingerly attempting a post-stroke symmetrical gurn.

It's hard. You can feel the rust. You know you're forcing it. Your metaphors are strained and cumbersome. When you were writing every day, your metaphors had snap and bite. They always made sense, and never went on for too long. You never used unusual vocabulary as a substitute for good writing. You never shifted suddenly from the past to the present tense, and then back again.

But then I didn't post anything for two months. It didn't take. It never takes. And it still might not take. This might be my last post until 2019.

I might not even post this at all.

So after dipping a toe into Facebook and a toe into Twitter (and continuing to dip my slotted spoon into Google+), I've decided to launch myself back into bloggy waters, right up to the calf.

(And I know those are Old Man Social Networks. Instagram or Snapchat are still too much of a novelty for me. Maybe I'll get there one day.)

It might not take - I'm aware of that. And then what? I might post a link to this post on the aforementioned social networks and then retreat into my shell. It will be a false dawn. And the dozens of people who have waited for me to re-emerge will be crushed, like when Harper Lee came out of retirement to write that David Brent movie.

Isn't it be better to be thought of fondly as an artist who vanished at the peak of his powers? I'm sure that's how I'm thought of.

I'm sure I'm thought of.

Belated, curtailed resurrections are most annoying kind.

But I can't let that stop me. This isn't about my public image. It's about my mental state. I need to get back on the internet to stay sane.

Read that again.

I need to get back on the internet to stay sane.

That's the terrifying situation in which we find ourselves, friends.

And what a time to do it!

World events are.. well, you know. Everything's falling apart. And everyone is, justifiably, spending all of their time talking about it.

If I raise my voice now, do I have to talk about it too? I don't think I can. I don't think I can even continue this train of thought now.

So I won't.

***

I've already got further than I have in the last two years. I'm proud of myself.

Hey, I know. I can do a tweet compendium. I used to do those all the time. I used to be crazily prolific. I don't think that's going to happen again. But how many good tweets have I done in the past two years? I haven't checked, but I'm going to guess: maybe double figures.

Let's find out together in another instalment of:

Remember How This Used To Work? (Except I'll Embed Them Now)

Just thought of a good tweet for when Liam Gallagher dies. If I post it now and just RT it when the news breaks, I won't seem so callous.

— Paul Fung (@diamondbadger) June 22, 2016

MAUSOLEUM GALLAGHER

— Paul Fung (@diamondbadger) June 22, 2016

(Could work for any famous dead Liam, I suppose)

— Paul Fung (@diamondbadger) June 22, 2016

Three.

And they're all basically part of the same thing.

That's less than I was expecting.

So I haven't been tweeting.

I also used to write about jokes or ideas that I'd dreamt about. Do I still dream about things?

Yes. I emailed two of them to Lucy.

1)

It’s a bit too fully formed for a dream joke, so maybe it’s an old tweet of mine or someone else’s:

Person 1: A big-billed bird was talking to me about a John Grisham novel the other day.

Person 2: The Pelican Brief?

Person 1: No, actually it was quite loquacious.

2)

Last night I dreamt the expression “that’s about as much use as a chocolate wife”. 

Three tweets, two dreams.

***

My confidence in this post is wavering.

But I have to post it now, don't I?

Searching for Twitter embed codes ain't free. Ain't trouble free anyway.

Oh, man. I can tell I'm not going to post another one of these for ages. And then the pressure will build, and I'll just feel bad about it.

Maybe I'll just do a quick one tomorrow. I'll just post a photo of a rusk or something.

Anyway, it's been nice to speak to you again.

This has been weird.

2014: The Year in Burst Blood Vessels

I hope you're wearing your retrospectacles, because things are about to get looked back on. Nostalgia, comin' at ya. Light the prior-fire, because what once was old will be covered anew. 

That's all 100% true, because it's time for:

DiamondBadger's Headscissors Review of 2014

Here are previous entries:

2007
2008
2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

I like to summarise things in categories, particularly at this time of year. I haven't written a blog post for ages, though, and I'm struggling to string sentences together. I've forgotten how to think, how to be engaging, and how to think I'm engaging.

Still, with sections this clearly demarcated, only a fool could stumble. And am I a stumbling fool? My grazed knees tell the story.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas. It's over now, so take those chipolatas out of your hair. You look ridiculous.

Life-Changing Event of 2014

I can't remember anything interesting that happened this year. No holidays, no moving house, no new skills, no new facial hair. 

In last year's version of this, I predicted that I'd put up the mirror we bought. We did put up the mirror, but it took several months and several armed robberies of B&Q. 

I can see myself now.

Podcast of 2014 (category un-retired)

Podcasts have come back with a bang in this household. In fact, 2014 is the Chinese Year of the Podcast. 

I, along with a large chunk of the western world, listened to Serial. I don't have any strong opinions on it, but I thought I should let you know. No strong opinions at all. I certainly didn't kill anybody, if that's what you're thinking. I like Koreans.

Ahaha, a joke about a real-life murder! It's a suitable topic for entertainment! It's an invasion of privacy! It's legitimate journalism! Justice! Respect! Awful people on Reddit! It's not about that! It is about that! Mail Chimp! Jokes about Mail Chimp! Joking about Mail Chimp is an invasion of privacy! Justice! Respect! That dead lawyer's voice! Due process! An acceptable ending! A disgrace! A revelation!

There. That's probably covered it.

My favourite podcast of the year is Comedy Bang Bang. I can't remember when we began listening to it, but we're now so involved in its world and its characters that I can't believe we ever didn't listen to it.

If you haven't listened to it, it's a comedy podcast that loosely takes the form of an interview. Various comedy stars are on there, and there are also people doing characters. It's almost all improvised. There are hundreds of episodes, so it's difficult to know where to start. Maybe a Best Of episode? Or this one. Or anything with Paul F Tompkins or Lauren Lapkus on it.

One of the funniest people on there is Andy Daly, who portrays a wide variety of characters from cowboy poets to German tourists to embodiments of pure evil. Daly is a ridiculously funny improviser. We may hear about him again later.

He was also featured in a spin-off podcast, featuring some of his characters: The Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project. It makes me laugh. Try this one as a taster.

I've probably been listening to some other ones too. 


TV Programme of 2014

I've been watching a fair bit of television this year, which in the old days would have been something to be ashamed of. Luckily the idiot box is idiot no longer, and is venerated as the highest culture available for consumption (above sculpture, asthma-ballet and every single book).

New Stuff

I am in love with the Zeitgeist, so I was forced to watch True Detective and Fargo (the two must always be compared to each other, and never assessed on their individual merits). I didn't love either of them. True Detective was more ambitious and had higher highs, but also had a fair chunk of stupidity. Fargo was much more consistent but never wowed me. I'll probably watch the second seasons of both, though.

Louis continued to be excellent and unlike anything else on television. Not so many laughs this year, but some compelling drama.

I watched a couple of new animated shows: Rick and Morty and Bojack Horseman. The former was co-created by Dan Harmon, and reminded me of Community in that is was wildly ambitious and imaginative, occasionally superb, but never quite forming a satisfying whole.

I still haven't finished Bojack Horseman yet, but have really been enjoying it. It started off as a pretty funny show with a standard set-up, but as the season goes on, it becomes more rich and emotional and densely serialised. A surprising joy.

Mad Men was also on. I can't remember anything that happened in it.

Oh yes. That nipple.

I don't think they should have split up the final season. I have a short attentio

Old Stuff

We watched the old 80s TV drama The Jewel In The Crown on DVD, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's one of those classy old British dramas that are full of great character actors and big themes.

I finally got around to watching Twin Peaks on the lovely new Blu-ray box set, and it obsessed me for a month or so. It falls apart a bit in the second season, but the highs are pretty damn high, and it's a fun world in which to immerse oneself. Except when it's absolutely terrifying.

Another diamond I belatedly found waiting for me was Deadwood. I've written about it at length here. It's amazing, and automatically jumps into my top ten TV shows of all time. I haven't made that list, so that statement is probably meaningless.

But my television show of 2014, by a distance is... (trumpet purchase, trumpet lessons, fanfare)...

Review

It's Andy Daly! Remember him, from before?

In this comedy, he plays someone who reviews life experiences. It's a funny premise, and would have been great if it was just him reviewing funny stuff. But there's a strong story arc throughout the season, with lots of fun callbacks and lovely emotional bits. The final episode is one of my favourite single television episodes in some time. I haven't made that list (or even thought about it), so that statement is probably meaningless.

I don't know if it's available in the UK (it's not even out on DVD yet), so find it any way you can. And when it comes out, buy three copies.

Here's an example bit:




Shoe of 2014

I'm going to go with the snow shoe. I always thought snow shoes had to be tennis rackets, but I've taken a different tack and have used an umpire's chair. The snow would have to be pretty deep for it to be ineffective.

Film of 2014

New Stuff

Let's rattle through these. I've basically been left underwhelmed by every film I saw at the cinema this year. That probably comes down to my mindset, rather than the quality of the movies in question. I might just be difficult to please in a public venue.

I might be missing some, but I think the only films I saw in a cinema were Boyhood (impressive, but not as interesting or moving as I'd anticipated), Gone Girl (schlocky, dull, strangely cast), Guardians of the Galaxy (pretty fun, but no more so than the other dozen Marvel movies that have come out in the past five minutes), Captain America: The Winter Soldier (wimped out on its interesting potential, made Black Widow boring again).

I did see a couple of films on Blu-ray that came out in 2014. Under The Skin was great and creepy and just my cup of tea, with some really memorable bits. Only Lovers Left Alive was really fun and really funny, and only occasionally as irritating as its premise suggested.

Old Stuff

I saw The Conformist and McCabe and Mrs Miller for the first time this year, and wrote the words "TOP NOTCH" on the DVD cases (figuratively - one was on Netflix).

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (the original film and the Blu-ray 'Missing Pieces') was my favourite film experience of the year.


Moment of 2014

This might be a good time to mention my beloved Southampton Football Club. I've fretted about them at various points over the past year, particularly when we seemed to be selling everyone off, but this season has been fantastic. The manager is great, the players are great, the football, the league position, the Twitter feed - all wonderful. I've needed a lot of cheering up this year, and the Saints have managed it more often that not.

My moment of the year was being at St Mary's to watch us beat Sunderland 8(eight) - 0. If you have to spell the number, you know it was a special occasion.


Music of 2014

Not too many comments here, just some BANGIN' (good) TUNES (song choices).

Bilal - A Love Surreal (this is actually from 2013, but I got the album this year and it's one of my favourites)



Tiny Ruins - Me At The Museum, You In The Wintergardens (single)



clipping. - CLPPNG



The Twilight Sad - Nobody Wants To Be Here And Nobody Wants To Leave 




D'Angelo and The Vanguard - Black Messiah

By doing this so late, I get to include D'Angelo's album on my end of year review! Take that, early December idiots!

The album is fantastic, and my number two record of the year.



My favourite album of the year is... (recalls trumpet skills, fanfare)...


Run The Jewels - Run The Jewels 2

This was number one on Pitchfork's 2014 list, which would normally put me off (I'm insecure and like to seem original). But this is so good, I can't choose anything else. I love Killer Mike, and I liked the first RTJ album, but this was a big leap forward from that one. I've listened to this many times, as loud as my ears will take.





Misunderstanding of 2014

Accidentally bought five hundred ovens for someone who wanted a single fridge.

New Habit of 2014

Heroin. I haven't actually taken any heroin, but I have been thinking about it. I might be addicted to thinking about it. My friends and family took part in an intervention, in which I was advised to "shit or get off the pot". 

So I've stopped thinking about it.
 
Stuffed Animal of 2014

This is a soft crocodile. He was a birthday present from Lucy, and what a present he was! You can't argue with a crocodile.

His name is Snarlin' McFarlane.

Ordeal of 2014

2014

Albert of 2014 (category retired - stupid)

Stand-up of 2014

I haven't seen much stand-up, but I did do a couple of shows this year, One was terrifying and exhausting, And the other was the day before yesterday. It went pretty well. I actually did this material (the nature programme stuff) and, with a safety layer of irony, it went down a treat.


Number of 2014

1.1

Celebrity Sighting of 2014 (category retired until I see someone famous)


Picture of a Vegetable Made in MS Paint of 2014

(Yes, I do this every year)

Odd Celebrity Crush of 2014

I think I fell in love with St Vincent. Her album has been riding high on many end-of-year lists, but I haven't heard it. I don't know any of her music. I don't even really know what she looks like.

But I loved the little "oh" noise she makes in response to a terrible joke at 0:17 of the below clip.



That's it. Just the little noise.

I'm into it.

Language of 2014

Esperantzen.

Tool of 2014

Niall-Gun

Annoyance of 2014

The fonts are all weird. All of them. Not just dingbats or whatever.

Disclaimer of 2014

All opinions are my own. Even yours. I bought them at auction.

Clothing Item of 2014

I bought a soft, dark red, long-sleeved t-shirt. It makes me look like someone from the past and future simultaneously.

Hero of 2014 (category retired - Lucy is permanent holder of the title)

Comic of 2014 (new category!)

Since I started buying comic books again, I've been meaning to add this section to my year-end review. But it's getting late and I just don't have the time for an in-depth analysis. What a shame. I'm sure I would have been very insightful.

Never mind, I'll expand it next time.

In 2014, I've really enjoyed the sci-fi series Saga, the always great Astro City, the hilarious Superior Foes of Spider-Man, and Archer & Armstrong, which is also hilarious, but I can't write that twice (can I?).

But my two favourite series are these:

 Mark Waid and Chris Samnee's amazing Daredevil, which is sadly ending soon. It may be the greatest Daredevil run ever, and that's saying something.

The new Ms Marvel series by G Willow Wilson and Adrian Alphona got a lot of media interest ("A female Muslim hero?!") and there were concerns that it might be a publicity stunt. But it's been fantastic. I love Spider-Man-style teen hero stories (balancing heroism with the restraints of everyday life), and Alphona's artwork is brilliantly unique.

Catchphrase of 2014

We've started referring to hot dogs as "bun-longs". Is that a catchprhase?

Fact of 2014

Roald Dahl wrote the screenplay of Beverly Hills Cop II in my new RPF fan-fiction story.

Best Bit from My Review of 2014

I didn't mention ebola.

Prediction for 2015

Are they going to reboot Scarface? I bet they're going to reboot Scarface.

And it will destroy US diplomatic ties with Cuba. They've only just been re-tied, guys! Don't let this get in the way!

***

Well, that certainly started well.

Just like 2015 will!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Let's all join the same army.

The GWD

Two and a half weeks since my last blog post. It's hard to escape the feeling that we might have begun The Great Winding Down.

It's been a great run, of course. So many moments to cherish. We'll all remember that post I wrote in the middle of the night that made no sense. We'll always have the posts where I start talking to myself and get frustrated. The amusing sketch where two planks have a surreal dialogue will be with us always.

But the posts are getting less and less frequent. I seem to be running out of things to write about. Or at least lacking the ability to spin nothing into gold (or, more usually, straw).

There hasn't been a clamour for new material from (what I presume to be) my many readers. I suspect it's a bit like The Simpsons. It's been a long time since the golden age, and I'm damaging my legacy by continuing to write. It might be time for Headscissors to be taken behind the wolfshed and put out of its misery gun-style (like a dog in a film that I've heard about).

But I don't have it in me to shoot either a dog or a blog. The good thing about blogs is that they feel no pain. Also, you don't have to take them for walks, or buy them injections. I can just leave it here, and come back to prod the corpse every couple of months.

Of course, I still have my end-of-year review to come. That's something to look forward to. What song did I like? How many injuries did I curate? What are my lows and lowers of 2014? You'll find out, and you'll be hugely impressed by my eclecticism.

But for now, I'll make myself a cup of tea.

PLANK 2: That sounds nice.