Humphrey Cobb to thank

Eyes Wide Shut is a pretty rubbish name for a film, isn't it?

It's like something I'd name a blog post. Just a mildly interesting turn of phrase.

It doesn't even have anything to do with the plot of the film. No, it doesn't, Stanley. No, it doesn't.

It should have been called Sydney Pollack's Day Out.

*Googles Sydney Pollack*

*checks spelling*

*checks he was in Eyes Wide Shut*

*closes tab*

*nods and smiles*

In fact, that's what it should have been called.

Nods and Smiles.

Stanley Kubrick's Nods and Smiles.

Stanley Kubrick's divisive swansong: Nods and Smiles.

It reflects the themes of the film just as much as Eyes Wide Shut. Especially the nods.

Eyes Wide Shut... jeez.

Eyes Wide Shut UP, more like!

Ha! Good one, me.

You can't shut something wide.

Doors can be wide open, they can't be wide shut.

Legal cases can be blown wide open by a new, crucial, piece of evidence. They can't be blown wide shut.

And you can't shut something narrow either. Even the negation is incorrect.

He had such a good track record with film titles up until then, too.

The Killing has a killing in it. I assume. I haven't seen that one.

Paths of Glory had a bitter irony to it, but I think we have Humphrey Cobb to thank for that (he wrote the novel on which it was based).

Spartacus had Spartacus in it.

Lolita had Lolita in it.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb had Dr Strangelove and some jokes in it.

2001: A Space Odyssey is probably Clarke's work.

A Clockwork Orange has a clockwork orange in it, in the extended cut that's just been released, partially filmed at a now-citrussy Beaverbrooks.

Barry Lyndon has Barry Lyndon is it.

[What? Yes, I am going to do them all. Yes, I know I've already made my point. Yes, I know I didn't include Killer's Kiss for some reason.]

The Shining has the shining in it.

Full Metal Jacket probably refers to some kind of jacket in the film. I haven't seen it for a while.

But Eyes Wide Shut does not have eyes that are wide shut in it because, as I said, that's not a thing.

And the sort-of-Kubrick A.I. Artificial Intelligence is almost giving us too much information, but that's probably on Spielberg.

I suppose he was probably ill, so he can't really be blamed for such complete artistic failure. The title of the film, I mean. Not the film itself. Which was only a partial artistic failure.

***

I'm not going to publish this. I'm just going to throw it on the pile of draft blogs that is slowly accumulating. I'm happy to include weak stand-up from the year 2000.

And then, when I have enough of a backlog, and the banks of my river are about to burst, I'll drop the whole lot of them onto an unsuspecting public, like a... uh... baker, who.... hasn't baked bread for a long time, and then suddenly reveals that he has been baking bread all along, and here it is everyone! And sorry that most of it is stale now. It's probably not good to eat - it's been sitting in the larder for months and months. And - what's that? Who am I? Oh, you've forgotten who I am? Because I've been gone for so long. I see. I'm the baker. Hmm? No, not a professional baker, no. I used to bake for fun. I was quite prolific. I'd do a farmhouse loaf here, and a Chelsea bun there; a massive baguette one week and a crouton the next. Did they taste good? I thought so, yes. Did anyone eat the stuff I made? No, almost no-one.

Almost no-one.

Anyway, here's three hundred kilos of mouldy baps.

It's in a big heap on your lawn. Sorry, I didn't have any bags.

And now the dump-truck's driving away.

I'll wave and see if he can come back...

No, he didn't see me.

...

...

...

See you later.

***

That's how it will go.

Bun

I'm thinking of taking a puppet show to Edinburgh next year. The puppet will be an anthropomorphic Irish rockstar bread roll called Bunno.

Like Bono, but a bun.

Yes, it would be better if he was called Buno. The double-n makes it look wrong. But people might think it was pronounced like Juno. Boo-no isn't funny.

I think I'll get around it by not writing his name on the poster. Bunno works just fine when said out loud.

Bunno.

He'll have sunglasses and a goatee beard, because that's what Bono looked like when I was last paying attention.

I haven't worked out the content of the show. Will he sing? Will there be baked-goods versions of the other members of U2, like The Edge and whoever the other ones are? Possibly.

I'll do the voice. I can do a passable (and not at all offensive) Irish accent, though I've never properly tried ventriloquism. I'm sure I can work it out by next summer.

I'm just workshopping the idea.

Me: Hi Bunno!

Bunno: Hi Paul! 'Tis a fine day and no mistake!

M: How are you?

B: Grand! I've just written a new song!

M: Is it about buns?

B: ... Yes.

M: Hey Bunno, I know you've done a lot of work for charity, but do you feel that some of your behaviour when it comes to tax evasion makes you a bit of a hypocrite?

B: Well Paul, that's a good question. Of course you're associating me with the musician Bono, even though I am clearly a bun. It's understandable. I have the goatee and the accent after all. But I'm happy to answer your question in his place.

Accusations of hypocrisy can be dangerous. Obviously, no-one likes a double standard. And yet there are differences between the ideals and the behaviour of everyone. No-one is perfect, ta be sure now! 

There's a real risk that fear of hypocrisy can stifle changes in behaviour. People are put off from trying to make a difference because they're worried their own faults will be cast in sharp relief.

It leads to a situation where a multimillionaire rock star who does nothing for charity, and lives a life of ostentatious selfishness is somehow treated with more respect than those who aspire to goodness but fall short of their own high standards.

My human namesake is at least trying to make the world a better place. He should be lauded for that. It would be easy for him to become complacent with his politics, just as he is with his TERRIBLE music. But he's out there. You might argue with his approach, but you can't deny that he's using his prominence to initiate change.

M: That's very interesting, Bunno. I'd never thought of it that way.

B: Of course you hadn't, ya eejit!

M: Bunno?

B: Yes?

M: Do you think your friendliness with the Pope might get you upgraded to a hot cross bun?

B: I... what does that even mean?

M: Because of... (MUTTERING) because of buns.

[ENTER A BAGUETTE VERSION OF LARRY MULLEN JR]

Larry: You had to look up my name on Wikipedia, didn't you?

M: ... Yes.

***

Obviously, it needs a bit of honing.

Good old Bunno.

The title of this post, "Bun", is also a pun on the U2 song "One".

One, pun, bun.

I'm taking the rest of the day off.