Friday, 4 June 2010

Capital

During conversation with my colleagues today, we got talking about deceased rappers, and I brought up Big Punisher.

I don't think anyone else had heard of him. But I used to really like him when I was really into hip-hop as an annoying teenager. I still think he's pretty good. Here's one of his biggest tracks:



The important elements of Big Pun are:
a) he died in the year 2000
b) he was absolutely huge, making Biggie Smalls look like... uh... Smallie Biggs?
c) he was somewhat crass

To illustrate this point, here is one of his album covers. I think this is, by some distance, the tackiest album cover ever made.


*** I should note that it is possibly NSFW. Nothing explicit is shown; it just depends on how classy your office is. I perhaps should have mentioned this to my work acquaintance earlier - she was looking at it when the big boss walked past.

Now I don't know how long this warning space should be.

It's probably not even justified.

Ah, forget it! Feast your eyes on the tackiness:



Now there's so much tastelessness here, I'm not sure where to begin (the Twin Towers don't count - it was released in 1998).

The premise of the picture is offensive: he's groping and dominating an icon of freedom. She looks incredibly uncomfortable. She's holding a gold turntable, probably just in case we don't know this is an album cover (it could be a work of art). He's trying to look cool, but looks a bit like he's hiding behind her (from a ghost).

I would have liked to have been in the marketing meeting when this cover was discussed:

Big Pun: "Jerry. Jerry. You know what, old sport? I've had a brainwave vis-à-vis my album cover!"

His Manager: "Oh! Do tell!"

Big Pun: "Well, I really want to capture the spirit of New York."

Manager: "Yes, yes..."

Big Pun: "But also music. Music is my life."

Manager: "Of course, old bean!"

Big Pun: "I need something that shows I'm of the streets, but also that I have higher aspirations. I'm looking for symbolism of enterprise, fortune, the self-made man!"

Manager: "I like it! Seems like a smashing idea!"

Big Pun: "So... what I'm getting at is..."

Manager: "Go on!"

Big Pun: "How about..."

Manager: "Yes, spit it out!"

Big Pun: "I'm cupping the breasts of a slutty Statue of Liberty, and looking a bit grumpy!"

Manager: "...right."

Big Pun: "It will become iconic! It'll be the new Abbey Road!"

Manager: "Hmm."

Big Pun: "And also ... Jerry, are you listening?"

Manager: "Yes. Yes, I'm listening."

Big Pun: "You know how tourists travel to Abbey Road and recreate the cover? Walking across the road and all that jazz?"

Manager: "Mm?"

Big Pun: "They'll do the same with mine! People will come to New York to recreate the album cover! The Statue of Liberty will become a real tourist trap!"

Manager: "I... I mean. I sort-of understand, my boy. I would say however, that: a) the Statue of Liberty is already quite a big tourist attraction, and that b) it would be difficult for people to... cup... the statue. The real statue, I mean. It's forty-six metres tall. The cupping would require some kind of winch. And... giant hands."

Big Pun: "Good point! Hmm. I see why I pay you the big buck-dollars. The moolah greenbacks and all that, what? Ok, how about this: we pay a prostitute to stand on Liberty Island, sprayed gold, and charge people to cup her!"

Manager: [HE TAKES A SIP OF WATER, AND THINKS BACK TO THE DAY HE SIGNED BIG PUN TO A CONTRACT. EVERYTHING SEEMED SO DIFFERENT THEN. SO FULL OF POSSIBILITY.] "... I'm not going to say that that wouldn't work as a business proposal. It might. It really might. But I'm afraid - and excuse me for asking so many questions here, Pun - that not only is it technically illegal, but that it might be dangerous. If we've learned anything from the film Goldfinger, it's that painting women gold leads to significant health issues."

Big Pun: "You know, I think that's an urban myth."

Manager: "Nevertheless... We don't want to be turning away from your primary talent, which is making music - fine, fine music, I might add - and move too much of our energies towards... pimping... monuments."

[THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES SIX-THIRTY]

Big Pun: "Or do we?"

Manager: "I really don't think we do."

Big Pun: "I wonder if we could position some rent boys by Mount Rushmore..."

Manager: "Now Pun, I..."

Big Pun: "I mean, who wouldn't want a blowjob from Thomas Jefferson?"

Manager: "I honestly don't know how to answer that question."

Big Pun: "I really think we're on to something here!"

Manager: "Look, can we just... let's... put that on the back burner for now. You've got an album coming out, we need to focus on promotion."

Big Pun: "You're right, you're right. What would I do without you, Jerry? By the way, I want to call my next album Yeeeah Baby. With three Es."

Manager: [ASIDE] "Oh God. It looks like I'll have to murder him and claim it was a heart attack. This has been a whole lot of bother."

***

What do you mean, that sketch was too long? Not long enough, more like!

In the end, there was an alternate, more tasteful cover:


Though even this one looks like he's caught someone laughing at his goggles.

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