Relatively Interesting

I've never really been a hat person. I like the idea of wearing a hat, but I just can't seem to pull it off. Maybe if I used less glue...

My head is too big - that's the problem. The last thing I need to be doing is drawing attention to is my massive skull. If anything, I need to do the opposite.

I've thought about wearing a big arrow on my head pointing in another direction. I've thought about wearing a massive four-foot placard taped to my brow that reads: "DON'T LOOK AT THIS. WHATEVER YOU DO, LOOK ELSEWHERE", written in sequins.

But I think my best bet is to convince people my head is actually normal sized. I can think of two ways of doing this.

One is to make people think I'm actually much closer to them than I am. I could amplify my voice and make remarks about their complexion that could only be made by someone close-up. I think it might be difficult to execute though, because even describing the idea is proving difficult.

The other way is to make my head smaller in relation to other things. For example, I could wear a T-shirt with a massive picture of an aphid on it (the size of a rabbit, let's say). But, and here's the clever thing, have a caption on the T-shirt that says "Actual Size".

People won't know what to think at first, but they'll soon put two and two together.

Hey, there's that fellow of whom I have often made an object of derision, owing to his gigantic head. And yet, if his T-shirt is to be believed (and I have no reason to suspect that it is not), his head is actually of comparable size to an aphid!

And aphids, as all right-thinking people know, are notoriously small creatures. Therefore, this fellow must in fact have a small head, rather than the massive melon that I previously believed it to be!

As you can see, the person has been fooled into believing that my head is small, when in fact it is pretty big. Also, he seems to have somewhat archaic diction for some reason. That I can't explain.

You can use this technique to cover any kind of deficiency. Let's say, for example, you are a young girl, and you have a bit too much hair on your upper-lip. It causes you problems, because you think it detracts from your femininity (not that it should, but that's a discussion for a different time).

Instead of shaving or waxing, or covering your face like a bandito, all you need is a picture of Robin Williams.

You hold up the picture (perhaps blown up on a placard), but you label it "a baby's bottom".

Do you see?

(While you think about it, consider how much other people would charge for these ideas. I'm giving them away for free. What does that tell you?)

The person will see you in the street. Again, it may take them a while to figure out what is happening.

Why is that girl with the Tom Selleck moustache holding a picture of Mork from Ork?

That doesn't matter. Give them time. Just like the time I gave you. And eventually it will come to them.

Wait a minute! I was sure that the young lady, at whom I am staring, possessed a decidedly masculine concentration of hair upon her upper lip. I thought she was a circus performer of some ilk. But the sign she is holding depicts a baby's bottom. At least that's what the caption indicates (and I have no reason to believe it is false).

Furthermore, babies' bottoms are legendarily soft and hairless.

My word, the implications of this are astounding! The baby's bottom depicted is much hairier than the girl's lip. In fact it looks like that ape-man from Mrs Doubtfire.

Ergo, the girls lip, being less hairy than even a baby's bottom, must in fact be utterly hairless!!

I have judged her incorrectly, and must now take my own life.

As you have seen, your face-fur will go unnoticed. No need to thank me, ladies.

(Also, you may notice that this person also talks in a frankly ridiculous way. Maybe it's the same guy...)

This technique can literally be applied to any fault.

Big nose? Use a picture of a toucan with the caption 'small nose'.

Body odour problem? A picture of a turd with the caption 'this smells nice'.

Pyromaniac? A picture of the sun with the caption 'an acceptible amount of fire'.

Why not try it tonight? Especially you, hairy!

I might send this in to Blue Peter and see if I can get a regular slot.