Party Poppers

Sick of reminiscing? Sick of prognosticating?

Of course. Of course.

But you can't be sick of laughing. No-one could be. Unless they were actually physically sick from laughing. Which can happen. Especially with my track record of vomitous hilarity.

There were too many full stops in that paragraph; I'll attempt to rectify that with }various other t/ypes of punctuation?

Yes. I will.

Let's drop the curtain on 2011 by covering the curtain in hilarious recent tweets and lowering it onto a clown or something.

That's right! It's time for another edition of:

Sieved Chucklemakers

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POEM: Beverley // drank heavily

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As a child, I revolutionised playground taunting. You might say I was an entrepreneur-neur ne-neur-neur.

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Silence is golden. As is crème brûlée. But you're only allowed one of them in the library.

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I haven't given out any Christmas cards this year, because all my friends are terrified of rosy cheeks (and card).

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My favourite worldwind instrument is the globoe.

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Whenever someone's in the toilet cubicle and I go to use the urinal, I signal my presence by shouting "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

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Let's call James Spader James Spader.

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I'm playing with a spinning top from a Christmas cracker, and will continue to do so until there's peace in the Middle East.

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You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't.

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Reality Show Pitch: THE LITTLEST RICHARD - Little Richard searches for the world's smallest person called Richard. Dicks don't count.

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Film Pitch: COE-PILOT - When a plane starts to crash, Sebastian Coe must come out of retirement and run one of the engines or something.

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Sitcom Pitch: RAISING THE STAKES - Anti-gravity vampire adoption drama.

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Cave paintings were found up until 20,000BC when prehistoric man finally perfected the cave and moved on to other subjects (fruit bowls etc)

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Lucy's job today has involved reading this quote: "…never go forward, never go forward, cries out the soul infected with Mad Crab Disease."

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Right. I'm going to knuckle down. And buckle down. And hunker down. And huckle down. I'm a PROFESSIONAL. It says so on my Post-it poncho.

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My Hugh Grant impression is far better than his impression of me.

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My family has agreed that we won't exchange presents this year; only caveats.

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Take a deep breath. Bury it in your back garden. Then, when all oxygen is depleted, dig it up. Learn from the squirrels.

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I just found out that someone I know just found out that someone they know just found out about it.

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I'm afraid of deer. But it doesn't come up often enough for it to be much of an issue.

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Anyone who drives an expensive sports car only does it because they have a TINY child who loves sports cars.

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"I dunno. It's just all of a sudden, everything started clicking into place..." - The World Precision Clicking Champion.

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Never pour salt on a person's wounds. Unless it's Lot's wife, in which case it won't make much difference.

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I was brought up to have respect for the police. Though that might have just been a way for my dad to justify his truncheon collection.

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POEM: Julius Tafel // won falafel // in a raffle

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I was reading an interesting book about bookmarks, but lost my place.

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The sun sinks below the horizon are the best place to wash your suns.

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I like to sneak into the New Look dressing rooms and shout "YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THAT!" to shoppers and myself at regular intervals.

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"Excuse me, are you Desperate Measures?" "Yes." "There's someone on the phone for you. Something Times, I think."

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I've spent all afternoon curling ribbon and now my typewriter is fucked.

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The Final Score vidiprinter was designed by Anthony Burgess.

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BRAY KING NEWS: The coronation of The World's Loudest Donkey has just taken place in Madrid.

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Watching A Christmas Carol. I'm definitely #teamjacobmarley

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There's only one thing I hate more than pointless secrecy.

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I know the eyes in the back of my head like the back of my hand.

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Rumours of cheating at the World Backwards Ejaculation Championships have been corroborated after one of the competitors came forward.

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I always carry a tiny gas leak around wherever I go, to give me advanced warning of canaries.

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My new shower gel has made my skin so soft, I keep slipping off the furniture. I've had to sit in a bucket of sand.

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I should probably have taken the spade out, but there just wasn't time. If you want traction, you must take action.

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I'm worried my hands might be ageing faster than the cryogenic glove salesman said they would.

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I'm going to breathe in some of the night sky. Don't worry, there will still be plenty left over.

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Got a bit carried away and nearly choked on a moonbeam. An owl saw me and rolled his eyes 360°. Nocturnality is tough.

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I like to get a single bran flake and pretend it's a tiny, drab pappadam. I then discard it, along with my thimble full of chutney.

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Drizzle always makes me think of a damp Snoop Dogg.

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Sean Connery travels everywhere by limousine, so that if he needs to stay the night somewhere, he can sleep on the chauffeur-bed.

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It's not nice out there. I saw a man dressed as Santa trying to drown himself in a puddle. I helped. It was the least I could do.

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When the word 'obsolete' becomes obsolete, how will we know?

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My invisible little clown pixie-friend says I need to start taking myself more seriously.

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POEM: I am // the man of a thousand faces // or so Faye says...

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When writing a play, you should always make sure the stage directions state VERY CLEARLY if a character is entering a competition.

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Things aren't looking good for my barbecue this afternoon, due to my lack of a garden, a barbecue or any desire to host a barbecue.

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I've wasted thousands of pounds on sausages and parasols.

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"Every time I see a sponge, I shout "SPONGE!" as loud as I can." - Me, in the following tweet.

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Every time I see a sponge, I shout "SPONGE!" as loud as I can.

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Sometimes I don't realise I'm thirsty until someone mistakes me for potpourri.

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I've got a feed on my FB page which automatically updates whenever I complain about automatic FB feeds. To keep my friends in the loop.

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Imagine an aeroplane doing an impression of a human doing an impression of a terrible dancer. That's how I dance. That's why I dance.

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I've got more birthday cards on display than I have Christmas cards. That doesn't mean I think I'm more important than Jesus.

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I'm also sitting in a manger, drinking myrrh. But, again, this isn't any comment on the relative merits of myself and Christ.

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I always faint at the sight of six pints of my own blood.

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My friends and I fell about laughing until I had special harnesses fitted.

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I just trimmed my beard, and now I look much less wise. (I did it with an ice cream scoop)

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Film Pitch: FAR FROM THE TREE - Newton's son rejects the family physics business and become a software engineer. Themes = gravity, wigs.

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Sitcom Pitch: HEARTS AND MINDS - Mass-murderer Artie "Choke" Hearts must win the support of two brains in jars to get elected as an MP.

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Quiz Show Pitch: FORAGERS - 4 people in anger-management therapy are forced to find their own food in the woods; put the 'rage' in forage.

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You may have noticed - I never abandon a tweet halfway through, even if it's going nowhere. "Quality control" is another term for cowardice.

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When I was a Fleet Street vet, I had to put a lot of newspaper down.

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The Winter Solstice. Your night-vision goggles have never been more valuable.

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I've never felt batter!

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The top button of my shirt is always undone, because I want people to suspect I'm Banksy.

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I like defending my use of swear words by telling people they're in Shakespeare. Also: the murders.

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It's annoying when you wake up in the middle of a particularly interesting nightmare. That's why death will be so satisfying.

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I've left express instructions in my Will that my funeral will take place ONLY IF the hover-hearse has been invented.

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ECONOMICAL CHRISTMAS IDEA: Buy lots of half price out-of-season suntan lotion and repurpose it as runny snow.

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ECONOMICAL CHRISTMAS IDEA: Wrap your presents with other presents.

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ECONOMICAL CHRISTMAS IDEA: Offend an elderly relative, then use their shocked open jaw instead of a gravy boat.

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ECONOMICAL CHRISTMAS IDEA: When singing The Twelve Days of Christmas, omit the swans and the lords.

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I'm obsessed with making sure my headphones are in the correct ears (mine).

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I'm hearing unsubstantiated reports that the reports themselves may in fact be substantiated. More on this as it develops.

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All pillow fights are rigged.

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I've got a tuft of hair sticking up. Probably because of the position I slept in (near a tuft magnet).

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I love going to football matches and shouting "GREAT FIRST TOUCH!" at random intervals. You can also do this in a maternity ward.

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I'm so hungry I could eat a hearse! No, sorry.... not hungry. Grieving. That's it.

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It's easier to dress up as a cowboy if you have a head.

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I hope the "people" downstairs don't die before I get a chance to notify their parents via Skype.

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Oh, they're having a loud party by the way. I probably should've mentioned that. I don't hate people just for being closer to sea level.

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I'm tempted to put all of them through their own letterbox.

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They seem to have quietened down now. Touch wood. The jagged wood. The jagged bit of wood that I hope is severing their Achilles tendon(s).

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Torture fantasies are like a mug of warm milk. I'll sleep soundly tonight.

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I can't decide if I like "ab", "ov", "e", or all of the above.

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Hey, @FantaFun! A young child was drowned in a fizzy orange drink. It was inFantacide. You can have that one.

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Hey, @FantaFun! I've got loads more just like that! I'll give you the lot for $300. http://headscissors.blogspot.com/2009/12/fantamount.html

[Paul/Editors Note: Fanta did not reply :-( ]

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I'd like to be the face of Fanta. I have ethical qualms about The Coca-Cola Co, but I'd be happy to ignore them if they give me a costume.

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I remember the day my parents sat me down and told me that, from then on, I'd have to sit myself down. Heartbreaking.

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People forget that the so-called "Santa hat" was originally used as a butternut squash cosy.

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Now, where did I put that impetus...?

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I just walked into, and BROKE, a stranger's out tray. Can I go home now?

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Continuing Breaducation: for people who want to butter themselves.

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I regretted that last tweet before I'd even turned my computer on.

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Just call me Mr Car Window On A Hot Day, because I'm winding down.

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The main unit of applause is a "smattering".

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Yesterday, I was visited by The Ghost of Christmas Tomorrow. Pointless.

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Preheat your oven NOW if you're planning to cook your oven this Christmas.

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I just imagined what it would be like to spend Christmas in an American prison, and was overcome by a feeling of tremendous feloncholy.

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I just mentioned myself.

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Greenscreen technology could make golf courses a lot more interesting.

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I never wear pink in case I start bleeding and it clashes.

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Cats have paws. Pigs have trotters. Horses have hooves. But only HUMANS have panettone.

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I bought my nephew a Super Soaker for Christmas. Of course I didn't want him to get cold, so I filled it with brandy.

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I don't really have a nephew. It's fine. I've come to terms with it.

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I'm wearing a lilac shirt and baggy white linen trousers. I look like the louchest plantation owner in Toyland.

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I shouldn't have put so many novelty bongs on my Amazon wishlist.

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"A wolf in mutton-dressed-as-lamb's clothing." - Internet dating requires a delicate hand.

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Familiarity breeds contempt. But it's much more humane (and cheaper) to adopt some existing unwanted contempt from a shelter.

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I have to scratch myself an even number of times, or else this tweet would be meaningless.

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I don't think The Animals of Farthing Would.

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I use the euphemism "she's got a bun under the grill" for women who are mouth-pregnant.

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We walked round the museum for ages, and eventually decided to go inside.

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I've just eaten a burrito - a method recommended by the burrito salesman.

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I'd like to have a fire escape, just so I could test my flame-hunting skills.

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OH THANK GOD. I thought something terrible had happened.

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Sadly, I was born with my tear ducts in the wrong eyes.

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I'm going to drink a pint of Earth water.

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If you want to steal a Frenchman's ashes at a specific time: watch and l'urn.

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I'd only ever commit suicide in self-defence.

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Film Pitch: MILK AND TWO SUGARS- Gay rights activist Harvey Milk, entrepreneur Alan Sugar, and boxer Sugar Ray Leonard fight Hitler in space

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Sitcom Pitch: I'M ALL EARS- A horrific, writhing, gurgling, waxy abomination composed of human ears works in a library, and gets frustrated.

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Reality Show Pitch: HAIRIER THAN THOU - Archbishop Rowan Williams and comedian Robin Williams swap jobs; must fool respective congregations.

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I have a sneaking suspicion that someone will come up with a cross between hog roast and lunch. Call it a hunch...

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I'm sure blue Smarties taste different to the yellow ones. Just like urinal cakes.

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I've spent most of today

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I'm making a saucy Star Wars lasagne. I've put half a Jar Jar between every Leia.

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How big does a sleeve have to be before it becomes a tunnel?

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I just thatched the roof of my mouth.

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Vertical stripes make you look slimmer if they're all you eat.

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Do you even open the fridge and forget why? And then you realise you trapped a mouse in there days ago to teach it a lesson?

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I'm really looking forward to feeling nostalgic about this tweet.

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My favourite film music is probably the Threads Megamix.

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Tinsel is like some repugnant Martian parasite bursting its way out of a snake.

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The difference between négligée and illegible is negligible.

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Happy New Year everybody! I hope the coming arbitrarily designated 12-month period will bring you everything you want. Unless what you want conflicts with what I want.

Which it will. Because I don't really want you to get what you want.

(Yes I do)