Meat

Y'all know me.

I feel slightly disorientated. And disoriented. And disorted.

I've had quite a busy day, which has involved an all-day work meeting for which I was entirely unprepared, unhelpful and unconcerned. I took it in too casual a fashion, I think. Perhaps I'll be fired tomorrow. That would be a shame - just before Christmas. They'd probably wait until January, right?

I'm incapable of being interested in anything work-related. My brain will not allow such thoughts to get past the preliminary thought-approval stage.

They're stuck in a holding pen, along with my plans to punch annoying children or leave the house in the nude, under a banner that reads "THINGS WE SHOULDN'T BE CONCERNED WITH".

I also did some Christmas shopping, which was done in a brutally efficient fashion. In, out, in, out, moving from one place to the next, making a purchase and then moving on. I was buying things with the level of skill a Halal butcher might employ, especially if he (and I'm going to say that it would 100% definitely not be a 'she') was listening to loud music and trying not to knock baubles of shelves with his big coat.

I like metaphors. I just don't think they like me. It's a bit like a lion grafting a human ear onto a copy of the Yellow Pages. Right?

Luckily, this isn't a time for metaphors. It's a time for metaFIVES. Or, alternatively, a compilation of my recent tweets, in one big long befuddling stream. This could be written on a scroll and read at a royal event. It won't be. But it could be.

This is the best way to end a disorting day. Pummel the brain and the heart will follow.

That's right! It's another edition of:

Ten Second Thoughts

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I just congratulated myself on a plinth. It's the best place to do it.

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"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to drown your dog in a sink"

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I've started studying escapology. I'm just getting into just getting out of things.

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In meetings, I enjoy using the expression "I hope I'm not stepping on anybody's toes here..." because everyone knows I don't hope that.

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I didn't learn how to whistle until I was twenty. But when I finally got it, I spent a solid three months summoning things.

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If you're going to sign your own death warrant, always have a lawyer look it over first. There might be hidden clauses.

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I don't want to get carried away, so I keep myself greased-up at all times. No grip.

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I think war glamorises video games.

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I've got a cold nose. Luckily, I've still got a toucan costume left-over from Halloween. I've burnt it for warmth.

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I'd snort Cup-A-Soup if it wasn't for the croutons.

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My friend Lee is really fast, so I always say "Quickly, Quick Lee!", even though his real name is Alastair.

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"Faults are like genitals: you can see everyone else's, but you can never see your own." - The Invisible Man

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Sometimes I worry about the legacy we're going to leave our children. I was really drunk when I wrote my will.

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I'm watching Gary Neville control a touchscreen supercomputer. This isn't the future we were promised.

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Film Pitch: TWIST AND SHOUT - Adam Sandler discovers a pretzel that can cure him of his shyness.

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Quiz Show Pitch: BIG BRAKE - Each week a groggy Jim Davidson fights through a sedative haze to stop a steamroller from crushing John Virgo.

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Reality Show Pitch: MY DISCONCERTING WEDDING- A couple exchange vows in the most unsettling way possible. Cake? Writhing dogs. Dress? Ditto.

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I prefer a deadpan delivery, because if it's alive, they make you sign for it.

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I hate the sound of Nils down a blackboard.

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If you have a telephone in the shape of a burger, you don't know what real problems are.

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Dreaming last night, I thought of an amazing comedy idea: "Niall Quinn, Medicine Woman". That's why evolution made sleeping people immobile.

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I just rolled up my sleeves. (I'll smoke them later)

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If your friend has a cold, is it OK to insist they climb into a sack and shuffle into a "quarantine tank" (aka "canal")? I think so.

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Product Idea: GINGERBREAD MAN-SIZED TISSUES- Tissues the size and shape of gingerbread men, made of gingerbread. Basically: gingerbread men.

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Product Idea: VERSATOIL FOIL - For gardening (Soil Foil), traitors (Loyal Foil), Susan Boyle (Susan Foil) and Olive Oyl (Popeye cling film).

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Product Idea: BOOTS WELLINGTON - A delicious combination of pastry, pâté, wellies and pharmacy stores. Baked.

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Product Idea: PETAL DETECTOR - Find valuable flower parts buried in the beach. Also locates stamens if you're patient enough.

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I got fired from the clock factory because I'm terrible with faces.

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Just ate some red cabbage. I don't know why anyone would choose to do so. Red cabbage is the Mars to normal cabbage's green, fecund Earth.

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I always dry my hands on the back of some trousers. And if they're MY trousers, all the better.

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I once leapt from a moving train because I found it emotionally manipulative.

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I'm not as funny as I think you are.

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My twin and I are identical in every respect, except for our ages.

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Hearing Suggs talk to himself is the first sign of Madness.

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If you spend less time urinating than you do thinking about urinating, you probably need to either urinate more or think about it less.

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I just cut myself smoking.

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I like it when people say "I'm warning you!", because if they didn't say it, they'd be liars.

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Sitcom Pitch: KING LEAH - Leah Thompson in the role she was born to play: an ageing king with three sassy daughters. Harrowing.

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Cookery Show Pitch: MONSTER MASH - Jamie purées Peter Sutcliffe, as a panel of liberals weigh ethical objections against culinary verve.

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Quiz Show Pitch: A BIT OF A PICKLE - Contestants must identify a part of a pickle (the middle or one of the ends). Loser gets pickled.

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Let sleeping dogs lie. Let sleepwalking dogs continue to walk.

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Let sleeping dogs lie in sleeping bags. Let waking dogs lie in waking bags.

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Let sloping dogs down.

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It's embarrassing when you congratulate a woman on being pregnant, but she turns out to be an eight-year-old horse.

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I'm working on my diced carrot costume for next month's live action casserole-playing weekend.

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The best way to quit smoking is by using a cigarette blighter.

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I just saw I had a retweet and said "Damn right!" out loud.

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The wind is whistling through our windows like an out-of-breath mountaineer trying to signal for help with a kazoo.

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I'm good at playing air gong.

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V-neck jumpers really suit me, so I've had to buy loads of >-neck jumpers for when I'm lying down.

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I can't afford new formal-wear, so I turn up to every black-tie event wearing a reduxedo.

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Postboxes are painted red as an incentive to the delivery bulls.

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A zombie just gave me an undead leg.

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Today I'm at around 40% of my usual 25%.

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I only ever eat turkey at: a) Christmas or b) gunpoint.

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Nothing says 'Christmas' more than the broken talking Santa doll I just found.

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People ask me what it's like to be a pig voyeur. I tell them there's a lot of peeks and troughs.

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You may have just heard a loud bang. My standards have dropped.

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My concentration is faltering-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring... I should probably get that.

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FACT: Earl Grey tea was invented when Earl White and Earl Black went into a Fly-style Telepod, got fused together & decided to invent a tea.

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I wear a T-shirt when ordering Diet Coke in pubs. It says "Yes, ice and lemon is fine. Yes, Pepsi is fine. Yes, non-Diet Coke is fine."

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And on the back it says: "FUCK A LIME".

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What is the "it" in the phrase "I'm feeling a bit out of it"? Because I THINK I'm feeling a bit out of it, but if "it" is my shirt, I'm not.

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I find Santa Claus funny, but not "ho-ho" funny.

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It's difficult to play snooker on a stormy sea. You need some kind of table.

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Most people are so distracted by Saturn's beautiful rings, they don't notice its HIDEOUS bracelet.

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"I don't remember many details about the shipwreck. It all happened so fast..." - Idiots in the old days.

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I accidentally poked myself in the wrong eye.

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I like going into banks, because it validates my new stockings 'n' shotgun look.

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I've started sleeping in strange positions - like a praying mantis under 10x normal gravity. It takes me hours to unfurl in the morning.

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I'm carving my own niece. What's that? "NICHE"?! Oh dear God...

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Whenever I'm sitting backwards on the bus, I pretend I'm sitting forwards on the bus.

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The Specials should never have changed their name to The 'My Family' Christmas Specials. #terriblerebrands

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I was in the toilet, and thought of a tweet so AMAZING that I sprinted back to my desk with my trousers around my ankles. This was it.

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People are always looking at the horizon. They should sell advertising space there. For binocular accessories, etc.

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This so-called "masking tape" has made me a laughing stock in the superhero community.

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Sitcom Pitch: FOR PETE'S SAKE- St Peter - bedridden with "angel mumps" - asks a variety of F-list celebrities to man the gates of paradise.

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Film Pitch: WHISTLETOE- Heartwarming fable. Jim Carrey wakes up on Xmas morning, unable to whistle. Learns humility w/CGI toe guardian angel

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All lecterns are invisible from behind

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My favourite episode of Only Fools and Horses is the one where Trigger gets decapitated by a chandelier dressed as Batman.

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This time of year always reminds me of times and years.

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I just threw a wishing well into another wishing well. My SuperWish? Fewer wishing wells.

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I don't wear scarves because I don't want to obscure my woolly neck tattoo.

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I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Six months later I was named Nevada's Most Callous Photographer. I still have the statuette.

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It's funny. You wait at the bus stop for half an hour, and NOTHING. Then, all of a sudden, it's 9AD and the bus has yet to be invented.

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I don't know if there's much of a market for my Big Book of Mime Quotations, but the ink costs are negligible.

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FACT: The character of Slimer in Ghostbusters was included as a tribute to Dan Aykroyd's late friend, the environmentalist Harvey Slimer.

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I'm very secretive about my bank card PIN. When at the cash machine, I press 2, 1, 6, then mime pressing '1' before the final 6. Please RT.

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People's hair and nails continue to grow for up to six hours after they're buried alive.

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Annoying. I've got loads of bits of plastic stuck in my comb. No, hang on... this is a ruler. Never mind.

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10% of all forks contain a false prong.

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Anything can happen, but probably won't.

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I trapped my broken leg in a printing press. Worried I might get typecast.

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I saw Santa in Summertown earlier. The glory hog was posing for photos. You don't see Jesus doing that.

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There's nothing so enchanting as the look on a small child's face when you tell them to unwrap your baguette for you.

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I would only adopt a child who's adept and willing to adapt.

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Aitken and Waterman got a lot thicker after Stock was added.

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There are twice as many white keys on a piano as there are white keys on half a piano.

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I want to commentate at the next Winter Olympics. "Bobsleigh's your Unclesleigh!", "Sterling curling is unfurling!", "You snooge, you luge!"

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It's perfectly healthy to sneeze into the face of a stranger. Not for THEM, obviously. But it doesn't affect you.

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Ancient spike warlords would display their victims inserted into human heads as a warning.

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I can fit more music in my bill than any mere instrument could hold. I'm an Acappellican.

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I never need to wear a watch because I instinctively know how hot my wrist gets.

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I've got a part-time job as a sambanalyst. Just had to put together a conga line graph.

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Yoghurt is most dangerous when cornered.

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Big News: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

NNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SSSSSSS.

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Why do dead pigs love apples so much? It's too late for your 5 a day, mate. Have some Haribo.

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There are leaves everywhere. I appear to be deciduous. Or maybe I just need stronger glue.

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One of my worst comedy gigs was when a hairy audience member kept shouting "CLEMENTINE!" at me. It was Heckleberry Hound. #sorry

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I don't have as many medals as I deserve. I have fifteen-hundred medals.

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If you work at a clothing store, never ask Captain Hook if he wants to keep the hanger. He will make a scathing remark.

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There's no 'I' in this second-hand version of Scrabble or team.

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I'm no snooker player, but I sure can stand awkwardly next to a table holding some chalk.

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Which superhero is the most difficult to evacuate? One-door Woman.

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A picture perfect is worth a thousand word perfects. #maths

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My coffee is too hot. The awful anticipation has begun. Now I know what it's like to be waiting for a death row pardon.

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I just choked on my coffee. Of course, you can't really choke on a liquid. Liquid-choking is just localised drowning.

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I always answer the phone by saying "I'm answering the phone!", just so the other person knows I haven't suffered a brain injury.

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I think that anyone who finishes their argument by saying "End of." should undergo suffering that they'll never know the end of.

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Ovid omitted a whole story about Daedalus making a fantastic Lego hospital with working lifts.

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Lying about the age of tricks is the oldest trick in the book.

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I keep forgetting to open my Advent calendar and detective agency.

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This Christmas, don't buy a sundial for a fruit bat. She'll never use it.

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Sitcom Pitch: THE LAST POST- Hapless postie Rick Mail (played by Adrian Edmondson) fails to deliver his letters due to a military funeral.

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Film Pitch: EPIC FAILIEN - A three-hour-long blooper reel from the Alien franchise. At one stage Lance Henriksen swears at a pie.

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Quiz Show Pitch: PARROT OR GARRETT? - Blindfolded contestants must decide if a voice is a parrot or a man called Garrett (squawking).

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Film Pitch: WHITE HOUSE SWAP- After a birthday wish, the President's mind becomes trapped in the body of The White House. And vice versa.

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If any of the letters was to betray its alphabet brethren and join the numbers, it would be the K. I don't trust it.

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Sometimes I wonder why I don't even bother.

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I met an engraver today. Though he prefers the term 'undertaker'.

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I own a bobble hat with the bobble on the inside. It's OK - I have a bobble-shaped hole in the top of my skull due to a bobble accident.

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In the event of a house fire, always stay as close as possible to the fire. You want to get as burnt as possible to validate the firemen.

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Things could be so different, but they never are.

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I'm feeling very festive today, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Heh heh heh... Oh. No sorry, not festive. Suggestive.

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There was a red sky this morning, so we had a shepherd's warning (which is like a regular warning, but made of mince and potato).

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"Martin Scorsese is crazy, but Brian De Palma is calmer." CAN I BE AN AGENT NOW, PLEASE?

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I hate it when a bus drives through a puddle and splashes someone I'm trying to dehydrate.

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The penultimate letter of this tweet has been stolen. Oh well - it's not the end of the word.

[Paul/Editor's Note: This is my most retwet tweet ever with 28 retweets. I'm not sure why.]

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I was biting my nail, and now my finger is bleeding. You have to test your own limits.

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I'm trying to save my strength, but it's tied to the train tracks and I'm terrible with knots.

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In our school, it was cool to carry your backpack on just one shoulder, so as not to disturb the parrot. (It was a pirate school)

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When standing at a urinal, standing at a right angle is standing at the wrong angle.

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Looks like I picked the wrong day to wear my "THERE WILL BE NO PRECIPITATION TODAY" T-shirt into work. (It's not waterproof)

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When it comes to smiles, there's a fine line between 'cheeky' and 'creepy', so I've labelled it on my face in permanent marker.

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Guess what I just realised! 'Brad' is an anagram of 'Drab". Not such a big shot now, are you Brad?!

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There are no Brads. They were engineered in the 80s to sell wristbands, but turned on their masters. There's a mass Brad grave in Kentucky.

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I've got a vice-activated mobile phone. Which is lucky, because the buttons are all sticky.

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Someone just phoned me. Big mistake. I forgot what I was saying mid-sentence and started arguing with myself.

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Get some stale bread, throw it at a small child, and shout "Merry Crustmas!". No, sorry - DON'T do that. Don't.

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Call me closed-minded, but I won't even register it as a possibility.

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If, when you say "I'll try", someone says "No, don't try - JUST DO IT", you should always actually punch them in the face. Don't just try.

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You can start an avalanche if you want.

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And the award for Best Punctuation Mark of 2011 goes to:

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Of course, we all remember where we were when they found a cure for amnesia...

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Superman is more powerful than a crazy reason for committing a crime (or "locomotive").

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Wild horses couldn't drag me away from slightly stronger wild horses.

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I had a sudden realisation. Which was doubly surprising because I usually only have fakeisations.

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No sudden mauves.

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Do you ever start to beckon someone over and then forget why?

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There's no slang term for 'slang'.

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At school, I was always "the quite one" in our Sooty & Sweep role-play sessions.

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I don't drive, so traffic wardens have no power over me. I've killed three of them, and they can't touch me for it.

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Sitcom Pitch: CHER AND CHER ALIKE - Cher and her lookalike (Cher) share a flat, and possibly solve crimes. They're the typical even couple!

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It's been a long day. And what was that weird "night" section around lunchtime?! ... Hm? Oh. I've just been informed that was two days.

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How's about that then? How is about it?

Grammar is for the weak.

I hope you've enjoyed this more than you've enjoyed any of the Indiana Jones films.

Sleep tight.

Or loose. Depending on your preference.