Grand

10,000.

That's the magic number. Loads more than 3, De La Soul you IDIOTS.

I've just done my ten thousandth tweet. When I first joined, who would have thought I'd make it this far?

Most people. I have a lot of time on my hands.

I think Twitter has made me a better person. I'm more informed on world events, and I've communicated with people I would otherwise have never met (because they don't live in my living room).

It has also provided me with an outlet for lots of stupid sentences. I might have exploded without that valve. I have this blog, but that's usually an outlet for stupid paragraphs.

I've been doing this for around 1045 days. So that's roughly 10 per day. Is that right? I'm not mathematographer.

Some people would say that's a waste of time. But I hate some people. Some people are idiots. De La Soul are composed of some people.

I love pointless milestones. Arbitrariness is the bond that holds us together.

To celebrate, I will take the arbitrary ferry over to Arbitrary Co. Derry and have some very arbitrary berry cheesecake.

And I wish you an Arbitrary Christmas.

But those ten thousand tweets aren't a historical phenomenon. They're not buried in a Viking tomb, or behind glass is a dusty museum. These tweets are a living, breathing thing. They continue to form an essential part of the fabric of modern life.

As such, we must go on in the manner to which we've become accustomed: we MUST do a compendium of some of my recent tweets. Well, we mustn't. I must.

I must.

So here's another edition of:

Twitter Things From Twitter

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My therapist keeps telling me he's just my own reflection with a notepad and a crayon-drawn diploma. I think this is a real breakthrough.

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My stomach is making noises that have been extinct for millions of years.

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I make a lot of hot-headed decisions, such as offering a hat-drying service.

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Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. I mean, statistically there must be. Denmark's pretty big.

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Crispy Pancakes wouldn't be so expensive if it wasn't for the Findus fee.

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FACT: Human beings are the only animals that shiver and call it that.

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The curse of the Paul McCartney collaboration: Lennon? Dead. Harrison? Dead. Jacko? Dead. Wonder? Blind. It can't be a coincidence.

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If you think the Minotaur is big, you should see the MAJORTAUR!!

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In the film version of my death, I'd like to play myself.

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Louis Armstrong was a real time-hog.

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It's never obvious who the clipboard factory inspectors are.

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I just hit someone in the face with a tarmac glove, challenging him to a dual carriageway.

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I'm going to get a bachelor pad because I'm constantly grazing my bachelor.

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I had a dream that you had a dream about Maya Angelou last night. (Your dream was last night - mine was months ago)

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Two minutes into the eulogy, I realised my Jamaican accent wasn't as good as I'd imagined.

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6 out of 10 parents admit they'd be willing to lie about their child's monstrousness to get them into Gravedale High.

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"We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas..." = HOW TO WASTE A GENIE

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I'm in one of those moods today. Have you heard of them?

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If you put your mind to it, you can create a lovely dappled brain design on your wallpaper.

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Red sky at Diggerland, shepherds ambivalent.

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I consider momentum to be cowardice. I want to earn every tortured step.

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I've never staved anything off. It's depressing. I stove something in once, but I don't think it's the same thing.

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How often should one wash one's water bottle? Because the algae in mine still looks fresh.

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I've got a stain on my shirt. I hope they don't make me give back my 'Most Debonair Man in the Office' trophy (I've stained that too).

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Next year I'm going to try to be more bitter.

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Let's kick it into high gear with some SICK knock-knock jokes.

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Knock-knock "Who's there?" "Billy." "Billy who?" "Billy-ve in yourself (believe in yourself)." "Thank you, I will." "No, I'M Will (William)"

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POW.

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*Neck-neck* "Who's there?" "Two giraffes." #TOOFUNNY

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I just ate a doughnut that was denser than Edmund Spenser.

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The rarest barbecue snack is unicorn-on-the-cob. (The cob has nearly been hunted to extinction)

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Edgar Rice Burroughs is best known for creating Tarzan, but he also invented rice cakes. And burrows.

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Film Pitch: AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN JASON LONDON - The Dazed and Confused actor has a harrowing experience; dozens of vaccinations needed.

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Quiz Show Pitch: THE FALL - Mark E. Smith unintelligibly questions contestants as they plummet from a 40-storey building.

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Cookery Show Pitch: VOLCANO FONDUE - Ainsley Harriott dips various foodstuffs in magma: gherkins, virgins, Tom Hanks, other volcanoes, etc.

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Sitcom Pitch: STIFF UPPER LIP - Fusty, repressed WWII Colonel time-travels to modern day, and takes over a Hollywood Botox factory.

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It's annoying when you toss a coin, and when it lands it's a pancake.

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There's a quiet dignity about The Human Suitcase. It's just something about the way he carries himself...

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Dogs have a great sense of smell, but a terrible sense of proportion.

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Grass is more afraid of ewe than you are of it.

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"It was at that stage that a superbly-attired gentleman revealed his hand-hook, and popped open a bottle of Moët" - Urbane Legend

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I always shave against the grain. It cost me my job at Hovis.

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I was chewing my pen, and now I've got ink all over my cigar.

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I've got wronger's block.

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I'm going to save on Christmas Tree money this year by decorating a shuttlecock.

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I used to be a police sketch artist, but got fired because I couldn't draw the helmets properly.

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I think the worst thing about being turned into a mouse by a witch is that your tennis career is practically over.

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FACT: The Penguin and Mary Poppins buy their umbrellas from the same shop.

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You can tell it's nearly Christmas because I've turned my animosity lights on.

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The most morbid key on my laptop is probably The Graveyard Shift. I tend not to use it.

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I'm two nouns short of a picnic metaphor.

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The main reason no-one's ever reached the centre of the Earth is that the group can't decide who gets to say "Cor, blimey!" on arrival.

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Cremationists believe the world was burned in seven days.

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I'm going to get business cards printed that simply read "I'm sorry".

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I've been trying to decide on my favourite products of the brain. Thoughts?

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Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean, use Imperial Leather Civil Hand Wash. (Slogan: "It's Fucking Civil")

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I'm giving my keyboard a makeover. Blusher on the space bar, i-shadow, etc. My friend's helping - he's just there to make up the numbers.

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Never play Snakes & Ladders with Indiana Jones. He freaks out like a little baby. (He hates ladders)

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'Dice' would have been a funnier thing for him to hate. But it's too late. You can't go back. There are no second acts in American lives.

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Film Pitch: EITHER E OR EEYORE - Road movie with the Eels lead singer and the Hundred Acre Wood's gloomiest donkey. Profoundly depressing.

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Quiz Show Pitch: LEGS OR ARMS? - Contestants try to identify which limbs are legs and which are just arms in socks. Hosted by ZZ Top.

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Sitcom Pitch: NEVER FORGET - Elephants combat senility by reminiscing about Take That.

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There's nothing more invigorating than a crisp Autumn crisp.

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At uni, Rumpelstiltskin's nickname was "Rumps". So be thankful that he's dead.

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I still think November is too early to be putting up Easter decorations.

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We're all just insignificant specks in an unimaginably vast universe. So there's not much point in wearing that hat.

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I have an hour in my calendar allocated to demonstrating my incompetence to a colleague. But I don't think it will take that long.

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I just tucked my shirt in, and now he's soundly asleep.

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Is it possible to look dignified whilst yawning? I'm holding some Baudelaire and eating a truffle, but still look like an idiot's nightmare.

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Sorry - I know tweets about yawning are contagious.

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Sitcom Pitch: SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLLAGE YEARS - AC Slater, withered and alone, pastes photos of his long-dead friends onto cardboard.

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Film Pitch: BISON - Touching drama about a father coming to terms with his son's bisexuality. Also, he's a bison. (Buffalo twist ending?)

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Quiz Show Pitch: BLIND OVER BLATTER - FIFA president Sepp Blatter is trapped in a sunless room until he dies of a Vitamin D deficiency.

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There was an alternate pitch to BLIND OVER BLATTER that involved Stevie Wonder and diarrhoea but I thought it was in poor taste.

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I've got a cold nose which, according to the vet, means I'm a healthy polar bear. My cubs will be relieved.

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I've come up with a little jovial exhalation sound that might just change the world.

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I've got too much time on my hands. Time is red and sticky, right?

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Donation is female. Stagnation is male. #gendeer

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Why do people keep asking me what's wrong? It's so distracting I almost chipped a tooth on this gun barrel.

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Something is amiss, but I can't put the space where my finger used to be on it.

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I just opened a bottle of champagne with another, more expensive, bottle of champagne!

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I'd like to see an Indiana Jones film where the first hour is just him in class, trying to work the overhead projector with his whip.

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In the second hour, he finally manages to turn it on and everybody's faces melt due to UNPROFESSIONAL TEACHING PRACTICES.

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In Aztec culture, the puma was considered to be a symbol for the thing that it is.

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Turn that smirk upside Dirk!

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The best way to escape from quicksand is to build a quicksandcastle and leap from one of the turrets.

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I'm holding my thumb and forefinger two inches apart, to indicate the size of my psychological problems.

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The pig pen is mightier than the pork sword.

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FACT: The role of Niles in Frasier was originally written for two Egyptian rivers, but budget constraints led to the casting of a human man.

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I've just invented frunch. It's a cross between fruit punch and brunch.

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I've unknowingly moved the icons on my desktop into the shape of a pitchfork. Have I been possessed by a demonic farmer?

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I've just invented flunch. It's when someone suddenly offers you lunch and you flinch.

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I've just invented branch. It's a cross between brunch and a ranch and an actual branch. And then you flinch.

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Do you ever pretend you have a limp to distract people from your other, golden, leg? I have. Waste. Of. Time.

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Right. I'm going home. I'm going to pick one of every flower on the way, and then arrange them into an awesome wreath.

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I got the bus, so my flower-picking plans fell through. I have fashioned a wreath from another, larger wreath. Sorry, not bus: hearse.

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Dug a hole in the garden and found a time capsule. Inside there was a single piece of folded paper saying: "YOU'RE BORING".

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I've lived my entire life so far. No-one else has had a shift.

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The character of Roberto Mancini is Chris Lilley's greatest creation.

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ANATOMY FACT: No two shoulders are ever the same age.

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I think it might finally be time to get rid of my haunted cassette player.

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It would behoove me to go to bed. And yet here I am, still, googling "behoove".

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I've never had my picture taken with a celebrity. I almost always use a camera.

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It's dangerous to share needles, so you should only ever use your own sterilised compass.

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Every time I've finished eating a wrap, I shout "that's a wrap!" like I'm on a film set. They love me in Pret a Manger.

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I keep pushing my friend into the fountain of youth. Never gets old.

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If you have a lanky hipster friend, refer to him as "The Leaning Tower of POSER". Trust me - he'll appreciate it.

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I'll tell you what bugs me about Friar Tuck... but not now. (he's here)

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OK. He's gone. What bothers me is when he refers to his stomach noises as "revving the Friar engine". Needlessly unpleasant.

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Watching The League Cup Show last night made me realise they need a mascot called Lee G'Cupshow. Possibly just Lee Dixon in a wig.

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During the Cold War, Communists had to complete application forms in Eastern Bloc Capitals. (As predicted by Marx in Das Kapital)

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"Have you looked in the cot?" - Me, to Lisa Stansfield.

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You can only buy a limited amount of painkillers at one time because they worry about a possible suicide risk and also you're poor.

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I can't hear myself think. The brain just doesn't work that way.

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I bet you that Gwen Stefani and I are both wearing the exact same outfit right now. A hundred pounds. A THOUSAND pounds.

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If you shout "I knew it!", what you're really shouting is "I didn't know that, and will never know anything!".

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I've just changed my alarm sound from 'ambient platitudes' to 'wasp Frank Sinatra'. Should give me a boost in the morning.

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The stickiest hairstyle is probably the honeycombover.

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Caffeine. I don't know what I'd do with out it. Stop shaking, maybe.

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A grey flag signals a grubby surrender.

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Contrary to comedic convention, banana peels aren't slippery at all. In fact, mountaineers often use them instead of rope.

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It annoys me when people open crisp packets upside my head.

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I just opened the first door of my airvent calendar. Bruce Willis.

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There are drug addicts that don't drop needles, but they don't smell as festive.

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"Are you a man or a mouse?" - My webcam's low resolution necessitates a few preliminary questions on Skype.

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I've just invented a dance move called "Frisking The Invisible Man". Try it tonight. Thank me tomorrow.

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Think of a number.

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But don't tell me what it is. I'm not interested.

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Mice don't like cheese. They're just being polite.

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It's annoying when you sit down and realise you've left your glass of water in your back pocket.

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I learned everything I need to know about the English Civil War from Disney's Oliver & Company.

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Film Pitch: MIRROR-BALL ON 34TH STREET - Heart-warming fable about Father Disco Christmas and his coke-fuelled generosity.

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Sitcom Pitch: PAPER, SCISSORS, STONE - Three men: Jack Paper (journalist), Nick Scissors (surgeon) and Jick Stone (drug addict) share a bin.

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Reality Show Pitch: PEOPLE WHO CAN'T PRONOUNCE THEIR 'L's - Tears, hugs, laughs, tongue operations. Hosted by Alexi Lalas.

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I'm trying to quit sloking. It's difficult, because it's not even a real thing, so there are no patches or anything.

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Remember Jorge Campos? Do you remember him well enough for me to do a 'Big Man on Campos' joke? No? Well, I've just done one. This is it.

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The best way to bury a pet is inside another pet. Dog-grief with a creamy hamster-grief filling.

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That was an unpleasant tweet. My next one will be super-pleasant to make up for it.

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Somewhere in the world right now, a puppy is snuffling at a child's picture of a sunset. It's Neil Young's house.

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Elephants never forget how to ride a bike. They've got a daily paper round.

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Only four of The Famous Five were actually famous. Anne was strictly D-list.

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The play's the thing - Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. Or maybe a kind of modified bear trap.. No. No, I'll go with the play.

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This shirt makes me look like a mental patient at gunpoint.

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Whenever I see roadworks, I think about stealing a road. But I never do it, because of my upbringing.

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Tapping your watch is a good way to indicate that you're late and have fingers.

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I worry that I look weird when I stretch at my desk, as though I'm trying to contort myself into another dimension (which I am).

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If you can't stand the kitchen, get out of the kitchen.

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I used to live on the streets of London, protesting against acne scars. I was a pockpicket.

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It's annoying when someone sneaks up behind you and you've got an insulting caricature of them stapled to your back.

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I'm feeling agitated. I want to take my frustration out on the office punching bag, but he's having some sort of sternum operation. Wimp.

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Billy "The Human Church" Birch would be the best boxer in the world if it wasn't for his stained-glass jaw.

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I have languor management issues.

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For people keeping track at home, the Scalextric rental company would like it back.

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Off to buy a Christmas decoration this evening. Hoping for one of the following: Popeye Doyle Santa, light-up light, terrifying angel leg.

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Other Christmas decorations: CGI Spielberg Tintinsel, steckings, shifty shepherds, hittletoe, a real life elf, a dead elf (as a warning).

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The direction in which you stir your tea says a lot about you. I always stir mine towards Mecca.

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If you use a scalpel instead of a knife, it makes you feel like a surgeon. Especially if you're eating appendix on toast.

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Is it OK to kiss a woman on the hand if you've already bitten her other hand? I'm just trying to make amends.

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It's good to raise your hand when asking a question. Unless the question is about the sudden descent of a razor-sharp ceiling fan.

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Follow this unwritten rule:

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When they were choosing nose teams at school, I was always picked last. :-(

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I accidentally left my computer on all night. This morning I found an ethically-sourced horse's head in my bed, with a note from Al Gore.

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Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. This is the most morbid game of Battleships I've ever played.

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Attention-seeking Fbook statuses are irritating. But it's even worse over the phone. "HELP! There's a man in the house!" Get over yourself..

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If you have a tail on your apron, it's technically a monkeyron.

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Tweet 10,000 is approaching. I literally can't contain myself, so I'm going to sit in the bath.

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Some things are better left unsaid. Like " ".

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The house opposite have got new net curtains. I'm worried it's because they can see directly into our flat, and I'm seldom clothed.

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Also, I tend to stand at the window with blood on my face, holding a placard which reads: "GET NET CURTAINS".

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I'm probably just being paranoid about their paranoia. I'm paraparanoid (or is that paranoia about skydiving?).

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We've put up our decorations. I'm worried they're a bit over the top. Our tree is covered with 10 other fully decorated Christmas trees.

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URBAN LEGEND: In New York, you're never more than six feet away from your own anklet.

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That last one is Tweet 10,000.

It's an old one, but I reposted it because it's my FAVOURITE TWEET EVER (of the ones I've written).

I don't know why I like it. It was originally part of a hashtag game of #badurbanlegends.

Maybe it's because it doesn't quite make sense. Or because the word 'anklet' is underused in comedy.

These are always my favourite types of tweet. I'm not so keen on puns. But I like sentences that have probably never been written before.

Just like this one jumble pig Leroy Lita chiffon bun ton lung Iroquois pooool.

Here's to another 10,000 tweets. I'm not holding a glass - it's more of an internal toast. It burns.

Ahahahaha.

Good afternoon.