Did you hear the one?

Let's get silly!

WhoooaaAAAHhhhh! I just slipped on a banana part!

No - don't put that there! *SMASH* My bust of Busta Rhymes!

*DING-DONG* Who could that be?

*CRACK* *PUNCH* Ohhhhhh, nooooo! It's an unexpected criminal!

***

Slapstick doesn't really work in blogs.

Mood

Neutral. This is the first of five days off work, and I'm feeling paralysed by possibility. What should I do? What shouldn't I do? Why shouldn't I?

I'm also worried that I might be blogging too much, with too little result(s). Am I diluting my brand? Do I have a brand?

I'd hate to think so.

Perhaps I'm too fixated on my post count. In the back of my mind, I'm considering the possibility of beating last year's number of blog posts. I did 138 in 2010. This is number 131 in 2011. It might be tight.

But no-one cares about that except me. I should be blogging less frequently, but thinking about it more. I'm sure I could come up with something well thought-out and consistently funny if I put my mind to it.

But (2) I suppose the haphazard approach has defined this blog. I don't want to change my tack now, do I?

I could try to set myself a goal for one serious, proper, considered post every two weeks or so. I'm sure everyone is eager to hear my views on the economy.

I wonder if I'm just treading water.

I certainly seem to be doing so on Twitter. After pathetically begging for more followers on my birthday, I still haven't reached 300. I seem to gain a few and lose a few every now and then. Perhaps I was just never meant to reach the big three-oh-oh.

This has been rather indulgent so far, hasn't it? I get like this every now and then.

People aren't interested in me; they're interested in the big laffs.

What do you call an iPod with three legs?
A TriPod

There you go. Taste those crumbs.

Of course, this is just the 'mood' section. I'm expected to be maudlin up here. But the sections below will be bulging with more gold than a conquistador's knapsack.

I hope you're wearing goggles, because you're about to laugh your eyes out.

Listening to

Christmas music. Not much, but too much.

I don't know if I like Christmas music because I don't know if I like Christmas. Festive songs have no value of their own. They're avatars. Cyphers. Other words that probably don't mean that.

If you like Xmas (that's right: Xmas), the songs remind you of the pleasure of family and good food and childhood excitement. If you don't like Xmas, the songs remind you of the displeasure of family and disgusting food and childhood excrement.

I'm undecided about all of it. Which probably adds to my neutral mood. I don't like feeling neutral. It's unsettling. I feel bad. Which means I don't feel neutral any more. Which means I feel good. Which cancels out the bad, making me feel neutral again. And so on.

This hasn't been as funny as I'd hoped. So let's do some hilarious festive jokes!

*

What do you call a snowman with a mince pie in his mouth?
A clever solution to dwindling food storage space

*

Santa (peering out of the window): Looks like rain, dear.
Mrs Claus: Of course! They pull your sleigh!
Santa: What?
Mrs Claus: They pull your sleigh!
Santa: Yes, I heard you. I just wondered what you meant.
Mrs Claus: I... I just meant...
Santa: What? WHAT?
Rudolph: STOP FIGHTING. IT'S CHRISTMAS.

*

What does Lou Reed want for Christmas?
Heroin.

*

Did you hear the one about the man who looked like a Christmas pudding? Someone covered him in brandy and lit him on fire. To save face, he claimed it was a protest against the Chinese occupation of Tibet! Ironically, doctors were unable to save his face.

*

You see? Laughter is the greatest gift of all.

Also, I've been listening to this:

Reading

The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker

I got this for my birthday, and am really enjoying it. It's about how, despite a common belief to the contrary, violence of all kinds has decreased. I'm really interested in how people always view their own generation as the worst ever, and see the past as a golden age, so it's good to have some stats to pass this up.

Thanks, Pinker.

Here are some Steven Pinker jokes:

*

Due to his rosy complexion and graceful gait, Steven is known in some circles as The Panth Pinker.

*

Before Steven came along, the patron saint of linguists was St Pink. (Now it's St Even Pinker. Get it?)

*

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Steven Pinker
Steven Pinker who?
What?
Steven Pinker who?
No. That's it. That's my full name.
Steven Pinker who?
I just told you...
Rudolph: STOP FIGHTING. IT'S CHRISTMAS.

*

Is it possible to die of being too prolific? If so, I'd better get my affairs in order.

Watching

Fist of Fun

I ordered this from Go Faster Stripe, which is an independent comedy DVD shop. I've bought quite a lot of stuff from them before, and they're great. This is their biggest venture: paying a lot of money to distribute Stewart Lee and Richard Herring's cult 90s sketch show, because the BBC didn't want to.

The package has a ridiculous amount of extras, including commentaries, bonus shows and the live studio rushes.

I never watched FOF when it was on (I only leapt on the Lee and Herring bandwagon with TMWRNJ), so it's been lots of fun to finally see all these in full.

I haven't watched enough to give a full review, so here are some jokes about Lee and Herring and fists and fun.

*

Did you hear about the man who had a fish in his ear? He was hard of hearing. Also, the fish was a herring.

*

What's the difference between Bruce Lee and Sara Lee? One of them ices cakes, and the other one cakes ices!
(To "cake an ice" is kung fu slang for kicking a bit of wood)

*

Knock-knock (the knock was made by a clenched fist)
Who's there?
Steven Pinker.
Steven Pinker who?
Look, we've been through this...
I know - but I find it fun.
Rudolph: THIS IS NO FUN

*

Of course, Pinker doesn't believe in Rudolph. That's an extra layer of comedy.

Playing

With a spinning top. It's the best spinning top I've ever spun. I might write a whole blog post about it. It's amazing. I don't do anything else.

*

Did you hear the one about the man (who might have been Steven Pinker, but it's not important for the joke) who accidentally sat on a spinning top?
He got a spinning bottom!

*

Ahahaha. I'm proud of EVERY WORD OF THIS.

Eating

A wholemeal roll.

*

Did you hear about the gymnast who used krill instead of a gym mat?
He was the expert at the WHALEMEAL ROLL.

(Whales eat krill)
(Gymnasts roll)

*


The gravity in my black hole-meal roll is so strong that even light spread can't escape.

*

Still going well!

Drinking

Orange juice

*

Knock-knock
*SHOTGUN BLAST*
Now you're Steven REDDER. Because of the blood.
Rudolph: *sniff* Just like my nose.
Fish-Ear Man: Pardon?

***

This has been an excellent use of my time. And yours.

I'll give you until the count of three to get off my property. But not now. I've forgotten where I keep my numbers.