Welcome one and all and some!
Once again, we find ourselves staring down the barrel of a year with an unfamiliar number at the end of it; in this case: 2. I haven't experienced a year ending with a '2' since 1992 (I was in suspended animation from 2001-2004).
I'm sure you're all planning your New Year's Eve party, which will involve you dressing up as someone who doesn't find the whole thing tedious. You might also be dealing with post-Xmas depression. Perhaps you're trying to get rid of all the mince pies you bought on December 19th. They were on special offer. And you can never have too many mince pies (you thought)!
Now, you have dozens of them, and no-one will take them off your hands. The council will have to send round a special van to collect them from a glittery wheelie bin, along with old tinsel and broken children who have died of happiness.
The future is looking bleak. But today isn't about the future! It's about the past twelve months! This year will soon be forgotten, so let's cling onto it with a redundant list. Everyone does these retrospectives. Some of them have talent, or do them on a professional basis. So why should I add to the teetering pile of fraudulent hindsight?
Because I respect you.
DiamondBadger's Headscissors Review of 2011
(I'm changing the presentation this year. Underlining headings is so 2008.)
If you'd like to see what I've written about in previous years, you can do so here:
I've just re-read these as part of my rigorous presentation, and I almost smiled twice.
2011 was the year of TOO MUCH NEWS. They crammed everything into this year, so I don't know what they have in mind for next year.
Luckily, I'm too self-involved to discuss world events. Instead, I'll complete various categories of "things" and add a couple of new "things".
I'm a good writer.
Life-Changing Event of 2011
I don't know if I've had a life-changing event this year. Am I exactly the same as I was in 2010? Perhaps I am. I'm older, I suppose. But that's not unique to this year. (I've got older twice before: once in 1989 and again in 1993)
I went on a big march in March (I always remember when it was, because when it was was also what it was). But, other than making me slightly smugger, I don't know if it changed my life.
I bought a Sharpie sometime over the summer. That was pretty big. The event, not the pen.
Maybe I haven't changed. But is that such a bad thing? I might be exactly where I want to be. If it ain't broke... use "isn't" instead.
I know! I've got it! The Life-Changing Event of 2011 was that, for the first time in ages, my life didn't really change!
Nothing will ever be the same again!
Film of 2011
I should retire this category. I never see enough films to make it indicative of anything. I suppose I liked Captain America the best. But that seems unsatisfying.
I should expand it to include films which came out pre-2011, but I saw for the first time this year.
A Fistful of Dynamite would probably win that one. I also saw In Bruges for the first time a few days ago and really enjoyed it.
OK - what I'll do is: NEXT year, I won't open with this category. I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. I'll start with something that will allow me to wax lyrical, and demonstrate how interesting I am. Because I'm not a dull man.
Not dull at all.
If there's one thing I'm not, it's dull.
Shoe of 2011 (new category!)
The left.
TV Programme of 2011
I've watched quite a bit of television this year by my standards. Most of it has been on DVD, but it still counts.
Honourable mentions go to:
The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes - a fantastic comic book cartoon that I should have listed last year
Frozen Planet - Attenborough shows how it's done once again: spectacular, mind-blowing, moving, chilly
Fresh Meat - compelling, contemporary, warm-hearted comedy-drama
But there are two shows that stand out.
The runner-up is Breaking Bad.
I watched all four seasons this year, and enjoyed them immensely. I can't get into a lot of US drama, because they seem almost too polished. They take an interesting premise, fill it with expensive-looking sets, attractive actors and witty dialogue, and it leaves me feeling cold.
Breaking Bad is different. It really got under my skin. Tremendous performances all round, constant tension, and some real Holy Shit moments.
I'm looking forward to the next season a little too much.
But the Best TV Programme of 2011 is Louie.
Again, I watched both seasons this year, so this may not be a fair representative of 2011, but I don't care. Comedian Louis CK has created a show that's part stand-up, part sitcom, part drama, and all fantastic. It looks good, its arguments are complex, it's laugh-out-loud funny, it's occasionally terrifying.
This is the kind of television that I wish there was more of. I can't praise it highly enough.
Music of 2011
I'm confused about what music came out when. I forget. I mean, an album that came out in January might as well have come out during the reign of Xerxes the Great.
But here are some things that look like they came out in 2011.
This was a great compilation that came out this year, consisting of the original versions of songs The Fall went on to cover. Varied and weird and lots of fun. This has furnished me with many music club playlist tracks, creating the illusion that my tastes are more diverse than they actually are.
Includes this gem:
Blanck Mass - Blanck Mass
I seem to become more interested in this kind of music lately, which is what? Ambient? I don't know. But this album was really good. I think they include one of the guys from Fuck Buttons, but I'm not professional enough to find out.
Ben Folds released a career retrospective CD this year, which was a lot of fun. It included a track recorded in 2011 (Yeah! That's this year!) with Amanda Palmer, Neil "Sandman" Gaiman and Damian Kulash as 8in8.
This song is very nice.
Finally (and I realise this has gone on far too long), the song I've listened to the most this year was released in 1967 as an album track. It's by Phil Ochs (who I've probably written about too much this year). It's slightly preposterous, but I can't get enough of it. This is my Song of 2011.
Misunderstanding of 2011
I was called to a tribunal at work for allegedly making lewd gestures at the cafeteria staff. I thought they said it started at 10, but it was actually 9:30. Embarrassing.
Knock-Knock Joke of 2011 (new category!)
Knock knock
Who's there?
It's the CIA, Mr Bin Laden. You've left your headlights on.
Oh. Oh, OK. Hang on a minute, I'm not wearing any shoes
Stuffed Animal of 2011
Edgar Breadgar AKA Toastface Killah
Lucy bought him at the London Film and Comic Con this year. He appears to be a Japanese toast puppet. We named him.
Tendon of 2011
The patellar tendon. Close one this year.
Albert of 2011
Stand-up of 2011
I've seen shockingly little stand-up this year, possibly as a result of last year's Edinburgh burnout. So the winner of this year's best stand-up is me. I did two shows, both of which were above average. Of course, there were other people on those bills who may have been technically "better" than me, but none of them were as handsome.
Well, OK. Some of them might technically have been "more handsome" than me, but none of them had the same face and name as me.
Well, OK. Some of them might have been "my funnier twin from another dimension", but they are dead now.
Podcast of 2011
I haven't listened to as many podcasts this year, but have very much enjoyed Marc Maron's WTF podcast, where he interview with comedians and actors, and gets stuck into the nature of comedy and neurosis (particularly his).
Number of 2011
Twenteen.
Celebrity Sighting of 2011
I saw Dylan Moran outside the New Theatre in Oxford. I think that might be it. I think I also saw Rory McGrath on the street at one point.
Pretty slim pickings. Never mind - I did see several of my friends, some of whom are bound to be famous in the coming years (keep an eye out for massacres).
Picture of a Vegetable Made in MS Paint of 2011 (new category!)
Odd Celebrity Crush of 2011
Jeff Goldblum?
That's not that odd, except that I'm a heterosexual man. I think I saw an episode of Larry Sanders that he did, which was funny. Also, he was on a Simpsons DVD commentary, which will automatically make me lust over someone.
Yeah, that is pretty odd.
Language of 2011
Horse Latin
Tool of 2011
The invisible chisel (or "invisichisel")
Annoyance of 2011 (new category!)
Irrationality. There have been a lot of moments this year (and every year) that have made me angry, due to the closed-mindedness of people.
I suppose I'm mainly thinking of the hoo-ha surrounding the riots, but it happens all the time. People don't stop to think what they're arguing about. I think people have a set position in their head about every topic, so that when someone mentions "immigration" or "badger culls" or "Felix Dexter", they can go right to their pre-prepared argument. They have no idea what they, or the other person, are saying.
Genuine discussion and debate are rare beasts.
Also, I really hate Felix Dexter.
Disclaimer of 2011 (new category!)
I don't really hate Felix Dexter.
Clothing Item of 2011
I've been wearing hoodies a lot this year. They're comfortable, and make me feel like I'm in touch with the youth of today. And if I'm wearing my hood up, I can literally be in touch with the youth of today without anyone giving a useful description to police.
Best Bit from My Review of 2011
"Ambient? I don't know."
Prediction for 2012
I predict that I will have an actual life-changing moment. I'm being shot into space in March, so that should do it. I've never worn a helmet before.
Secondly, I predict that one of The Beatles will come back to life and also, prior to that, will die. Ringo, I think.
Thirdly, I predict that I will panic about four things in September - one of them will have something to do with the metric system.
***
That seems to be about the size of it. I hope this has made you smile once. But no more than that. I need to save up my smile-prompting skills for 2012.
Have a glass of champagne for me on New Year's Eve. I'll be avoiding all aspects of the countdown because I'm scared of the number seven and happiness.
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