Loud

It's my last day at work, no-one is here, I haven't had an email all day, so I'm writing this.

And if the Big Shots up at Head Office don't like it, then... I'll never do it again. Sorry, Big Shots.

I don't think we have any Big Shots. Or a Head Office. Even if we did, I doubt they'd read this blog.

If they did read this blog, I probably would have been fired some time ago.

Things have slowed to a crawl here at Badger Towers (that's where I work). I feel like the whole world is grinding to a stop; a clockwork machine bleeding out its last bit of momentum, waiting for a rejuvenating wind on New Year's Eve.

That's 'wind' as in 'winding a clock', not 'wind' as in 'The Wind That Shakes the Barley".

I don't know what a rejuvenating wind would be, if it was the latter. Some sort of Red Bull guff bubbling out of the fountain of youth.

There was a loud party in the flat below ours last night. It went on until 1am, which isn't that late I suppose. But still: I hope everyone who attended that party dies of boat cancer.

The bass was thumping, the idiots were yelping and chanting and chattering, the floor was shaking, and my blood pressure was rising.

I hate people who are that inconsiderate. If you live in a block of flats, you must realise that other people live there. It's not just a massive attic.

There are families that live in our building - and children don't enjoy noise at that time unless they're making it themselves.

The thing is, I can understand a few cunts. (And excuse my language, but I feel it's justified) There's bound to be a few horrible individuals with no empathy and no notion of that other people even exist. But there must have been at least one person at the party who thought "hey guys, maybe we should turn it down a bit".

If they did think that, they didn't say it. Cowards.

Cowards like me. I also didn't say anything. Lucy was brave though, and went down to get them to shut their window. (Yes, the window was wide open, letting noise and toxic fucking twat-gas out into the night air) They did shut the window, but the obnoxiousness still seeped through the floor.

In situations like this, I sit, seething, stressed out, unable to relax. I resent that they invade my private life. I resent that they haven't considered the consequences of their actions.

Then I start to fantasise. About what I'd like to do. Smashing the stereo with a baseball bat is a good one. Or waking them up early the following morning.

I thought about setting fire to their flat and burning them all alive. But, as we live above them, that would probably be self-defeating. We'd find ourselves the victims of our own diabolical plan, and would be smelling corpse-smoke for a week.

Yesterday, I thought of an amusing (and harmless) alternative. I thought it would be funny if I wrote a blog post about how despicable they are, and then posted the URL through their letterbox. I think it would confuse them. But it might be fun if they made it here and read about themselves and my wishes for their pain.

I might even gain some regular readers. They'd come for the death threats, but stay for the wordplay and sideways look at modern life.

But, as always, my anger has been quashed by a night's sleep, and I've become sensible again. It was only one night; it's not a regular thing. It was probably just a Christmas party. And we all make mistakes.

So I don't think I'll post a link to this through their letterbox. Or maybe I will.

I'll tell you what - if they have another party tonight, I'm going to post it. It will be written with poisoned ink, on the skin of their closest family member. That will teach them to be unreasonable.

Mood

Magnanimous

Listening to

This came up on shuffle yesterday. I don't know what to make of it. I'm not sure why, how or if it exists.

Reading

Pinker on the decline of violence again. Did you know: you're more likely to be raped by Mighty Mouse than stabbed by a teenager?

I might have remembered that wrong - I was slightly skimming.

(I don't like to use rape as a comedy concept, but it popped into my head. In relation to Mighty Mouse, I think it's OK. Also, there's this disclaimer. I'm not a bad guy. Honest.)

Watching

Batman: The Brave and the Bold

It's a cartoon that revels in the cheesy, camp side of the Caped Crusader (in contrast to more serious modern interpretations). There's lots of fun to be had - many in-jokes, and some nice comic re-imaginings of well-known characters (especially John "Bender" DiMaggio's hilarious Aquaman).

This episode features a villain called The Music Meister (voiced by Neil Patrick Harris), who forces the heroes to sing with his special powers. Pretty wacky stuff, but lots of fun.


Mayhem of the Music Meister! [Part3] by notpsychopirate

(Hey, that description sounded quiet serious, didn't it? Like something a proper blogger would write. It's nice for a change of pace, but I prefer jokes that go nowhere, and endless parentheses.)

Parlaying

Some... I don't know... something to do with gambling?

Eating

Three sausages, a hard boiled egg and some carrots. All smothered in thousand island dressing.

What?

Drinking

Delicious water. Mmm.

FACT: Human beings are made up of 90% deliciousness.

***

Happy Boxing Day Eve Eve Eve, everyone. I hope Santa brings you everything you want and that Atnas (or "Reverse Santa") manages to hoard loads of presents for his evles to disassemble.

You look fantastic in that skirt.