Tasteful

Mood: Saturday.

Listening to: the end of Final Score on BBC One.

I'm enjoying the animated reporting from the different correspondents. Some are ridiculously dramatic, attempting to channel the spirit of Stuart Hall (God rest his still-alive soul).

They can never match Hall, though. He's the master:



I feel quite moved by that.

But as I should probably have some music on here too:




Reading: A long, beautifully-written, but sadly fictional, article about how amazing I am.

Playing: air piano to the above Conversation music. Air piano is an underrated pursuit. Air guitar dominates the market.

There should be "air" versions of more activities.

Sometime I'll play air chess. Or air domestic abuse.

I also like to do some air airbrushing, air hairbrushing, and air Care Bear lair prayer. The latter involves praying for the safety of the Care Bears' habitat, but not really praying. Just miming it.

["Nice one Paul. That idea, which isn't interesting or funny in any way, is made better by writing a sentence with similar-sounding words in it."]

Thank you.

Eating: Lebanese food. It was delicious.

Drinking: Lebanese water. It was almost exactly the same as British water. But slightly different. You need a delicate palate to tell the difference.

I like to think I can differentiate between a huge number of types of water. For example, solid water tends to be ice. And water in the shape of a chair tends not to be water at all, but a chair.

I'm also brilliant at identifying herbs and spices, even ones that have yet to be discovered by human tongues.

Just give me any dish, and I'll list the flavours: turmeric, oregano, sea salt, river salt, lighthouse salt, basil, meat, nutmeg, any other kind of meg, pepper, Thousand Island Dressing (or Grand Island Dressing), cheese, Tabasco, Texaco, hake, coriander, liquid water, phR0Ot or parsley.

The above are the hidden ingredients of Tic Tacs, but your taste buds are probably too clumsy to register them.

Hilarious Tweets:

@diamondbadger

I refer to my eyebrows as "mybrows" and everyone else's as "thybrows". Also, I alienate people.


This tweet can go in my blog.

***

It's really fun to say "Jamie Carragher" in a Scouse accent. Try it.

Go on.

Seriously.

I'm not going to continue if you don't try.

No, not in your head: OUT LOUD.

You CAN do it!

DO IT!

...

There.

See?

Wasn't that fun?

...

Why are you crying?

***


I'm watching TV adverts over my laptop's shoulder. I'm finding them confusing. There's one with a cat, and one with some numbers.

They all seem to advocate gambling and cultural decay.

I don't even know what a warranty is.

Who's that? I recognise him from that thing that he's in. You know, that advert.

Why are all these people dancing?

Oh, I should say that the TV is on mute.

I'm not stupid or anything.

["Paul! Remember me? The square bracket/quotation marks guy?"]

Yes. I remember you.

["We've all got together (me, curvy brackets guy, that italics chick, the dude in a different font) and decided you should stop writing this blog post."]

Are you not enjoying it?

["It's not that. It's just... well, you know... I think it's time to stop. It's the right time. You don't want to outstay your welcome."]

Oh. OK.

["Great, great. Glad you understand. Maybe select a hilarious incongruous picture first? To end the blog?"]

Like this?


Hello?

...






...


Hello?