The Rebranding Project

I think the fruit marketing department must have been having a bad day when they came up with 'blood orange'. I realise it's descriptive, but it's not the most appetising of names.

They'd started so well with 'orange'. That's descriptive (because it is actually orange), and not entirely repugnant.

But no-one wants to buy a blood orange. People don't like to eat blood. Ingesting blood is usually a sign that something is very wrong.

Maybe they were going for the vampire demographic. But even then, I don't think they eat much fruit. Except for Count Duckula (and he, as anyone will tell you, was an abomination).

Why didn't they call it the 'love orange'? We associate the colour red with love. It would be charming. Even the 'heart orange' would have been better, maintaining the accurate blood comparison, but providing an element of warmth and affection.

There's a reason you never see anyone eating a blood orange. No-one would buy a bushel of pus-berries, or a discharge smoothie. It's just common sense.

It got worse for the fruit namers. The orange was fine. The blood orange was a mistake. What came next?

The grapefruit.

I don't even need to go through the myriad reasons why that's a stupid name.

I think they should relaunch the grapefruit. And the blood orange. In fact, they could relaunch all fruit. It's time for a change. Today's children aren't interested in fruit. They're interested in punching nuns, speed, and MC Hammer.

I'm going to pitch this to the fruit council (yes, there probably is one).

Are you tired of stupid old fruit? Can't we take fruit consumption to the extreme?

Yes. We. Can. [I've captured the zeitgeist, my friends]

Forget fruit.

Try phR0Ot.

phR0Ot is the cool new thing that kids love to digest and excrete. In that order!

Childhood obesity is rising. As is the amount of square, naff and downright unhip snacks on the market (I'm looking at you, Cheese Strings!)

People say healthy things are for losers. They're right. But with phR0Ot, you might get some citric acid in your eye! Painful, dudes!

Take a look at the exciting range of products available in the phR0Ot range!

The Fireball

An orb of energy that will ignite your soul! Peel and pips are a real challenge. If you want easy fruit, move to Russia, you pinko!

The Red Fireball

For people who have mastered The Fireball

The Sun with Attitude

A crazy yellow fun ball! It's like mashing a nuke into your face!

The Scimitar

Can compensate for your own deficiencies, such as cowardice, homosexuality or chubby fingers.

The Atomic Crystal Falcon Bomb

Nuff said!

Plum²

How amazing was the plum? Amazing. How amazing is Plum²?

Amazing²! Nerds can be useful - the losers!

So there is is:

phR0Ot

Munch down on teh awe5om3!!!1!

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I work in marketing.