Old News

It's been too long since my last entry. I'm not sure if this will count as February or March, as I'm doing this at one o'clock in the morning.

I can't believe we don't get February 29th off as a bank holiday. It's an extra day, just used to make up the numbers. We should all be paid to stay at home. And the day should be devoted to compulsory debauchery and hedonism. It's only one day every four years, but old Mr Government won't have it. It should at least have a name. I like X-Day (because it's extra, and it sounds all futuristic).

It is very windy outside, which reminds me that I somehow survived the earthquake the other night. I felt it quite distinctly, and thought it might have been an earthquake, but I wasn't sure if we had them in this country. The fact that I didn't know probably suggests that it's not that big a deal. And luckily we don't have any plant or chimney pots to be smashed, as these are the only things the earthquake can impact upon. This is pretty rubbish for a natural disaster. A bit of a storm in a teacup you might say (ho ho!); one that leaves the teacup entirely unharmed, but perhaps a little cleaner.

The reason I'm up so late is waiting for the internet to work. In fact, as I write this it is broken again. I'll have to save this somewhere and post it later, which annoyingly will detract from the incisive, up-to-the-moment, cutting edge content. If we have a cataclysmic earthquake between now and when I post this, I'll look quite the fool - a shaken fool with lots of shards of porcelain embedded in his face.

So I was wondering what would happen if the internet was wiped out. What if there was some massive failure and everything was gone? I was wondering if it would be a bigger news event than September 11 (11/9). It would be pretty disastrous, even if 80% of what was lost was porn and Star Trek fanfiction. I suppose there wouldn't be the same loss of human life (or the same striking visuals), but it would still be huge. And I bet the loss of that information would cost a few lives. There must be a lot of important processes that require the web. I'm sure a few hundred online poker players would commit suicide at the very least. And a few more fatalities from those who can't live without Star Trek fanporn.

I'd lose all my blog entries (I should really back these up), which would be a big loss for not just me, but the world at large. Let's hope someone has their eye on the ball, and has made sure the internet can't be broken.

***

I saw a great advertising board (board? Hoarding sounds familiar, but I can't look it up online to check) on the football on Wednesday night. It was certainly more interesting than the match. It simply read "Like Football?" then scrolled on to reveal "Then You'll Love The Army!".

Now I may be judging prematurely, but I'm 95% sure I wouldn't love the army. I don't even think I'd like it. I don't even see the connection. I suppose they're both pointless conflicts, dominated by an atmosphere of macho bullshit, homophobia and misogyny. But you don't get shot in football (unless you're a Colombian international).

The tenuous connection is a bit perplexing also. It's as though they think we don't know what the army is, or what happens there. "I like football, maybe I'll give this 'army' a try! It sounds interesting!"

The army is pretty famous, they don't need to draw us in with this cheap chicanery.

It makes you think that just over 90 years ago, on the frozen waste of no-mans land, some desperate soldier, pulled himself over the barbed-wire, coughing wheezy mustard gas coughs, dragging an atrophied trench-foot, and scrawled on a bit of loose board (perhaps with his own blood, or the goo from his weeping sores): "Like war? You'll love football!" - and men from both sides clambered up, out of their sodden nightmare and, convinced by this simple message (even though they don't actually like war - but forget that bit), took part in a simple sport that would forever appeal a sense of goodness in man's character (but not women, because they don't understand the offside trap! Ever notice that? They get confused by it! Bloody women! They all like shoes and... and flowers and stuff).

I hope Wednesday's billboard doesn't have the opposite effect and cause hundreds of footballers to down their expensive boots and tie bayonets to their shin-pads.

For all I know, it has already happened. Stupid broken internet. By the time I'm back online it may be too late, and Dietmar Hamann will have snuck in and grenaded the whole block of flats.

***

It's now the next day, and I feel like a cheap liar.