Semanticular

I am currently in a massive shit-storm (the worst kind of storm) of friends' birthdays. They're coming thick and fast, just as their fathers presumably did nine months ago. What is it about the beginning of February that makes conception so widespread? Perhaps people were erotically celebrating Groundhog Day.

"When the groundhog sees his shadow, you get six more inches of winter, honey!"

That makes little sense. Anyway, as I've written this, and am aware of all the birthdays coming, it means that I haven't forgotten yours (even if I send no card or make no mention of it). This is like a giant disclaimer; just one read by so few readers they could be counted on the fingers of a butcher with Parkinson's.

I'm sure I'll send a few belated birthday cards. Birthdays are the only time that the word 'belated' is pulled out and dusted off. The rest of the time we wisely use the more economical 'late'.

I think we use 'belated' because it implies that our forgetfulness was somehow out of our control.

"You're late!"
"Of course not! I was just belated. Blame fate."

I'm hoping to introduce similar softeners to other areas of life. For example, when I get every question wrong on an exam, I was 'befailed'.

When I shit my pants, I've been cruelly 'beshitted' (or beshitten, for all you Shakespeare types).

Anyway, I should probably finish this here, as I've just been 'be-arrested for sexual assault'.

Heh.

Actually, that one doesn't work.