Jimmy Tsar

I did another bit of stand-up at the usual place last night. I was quite unprepared, but it went really well. It makes me think I should never prepare for anything.

I've given that philosophy a test-run today. I wasn't prepared for my shower, so I was fully clothed and got shampoo in my eyes; I wasn't prepared for work so arrived wearing nothing below the waist (no-one noticed); and I wasn't prepared to write this blog, so it ended up being unsatisfactory at best.

On my way to the show last night, I took the bus. I was already pretty late, and a little bit nervous about my possible performance. The bus stopped, and there was a large group of students standing there. One of them got on the bus.

"Can I have 31 singles into town, please?" he said.

31 singles. That's too many singles.

I mean, if it was 30 at least it would have been a nice round number. But 31?

And sure enough, the bus driver had to press his button 31 times. It became quite rhythmical - almost hypnotic. I felt like a stockbroker in the 1920s, listening to the satisfying sound of printing.

I miss Ticker tape. All paper should be long, thin, and entirely illegible. Not like the big fat idiocy of A4. What do you think you are, some kind of mainsail? You're a joke.

So, 31 students boarded the bus, delaying me further, and taunting me with their youth. Born in the 90s, are you? Do you think that makes you better than me?

If there's one thing I hate, it's students. And A4 paper.

I was going to talk about it on stage, but I assumed no-one would believe me. All comedians use fictional anecdotes about what happened to them on the way to the gig. Perhaps if I'd have stolen the bus tickets, I would have had proof. But I didn't think.

Idiot, Paul. Idiot.

Next time, perhaps. That way, when I say it happened on my way there, it will actually be a lie. And all will be right with the world.

I can also do my killer material about A4. Everyone hates A4. It's a universal subject. I can be an observational comic like Jerry Seinfeld, but only regarding paper.

Not A3, of course. Only A4. A3 hasn't done anything wrong. I don't want to tar A3 with the same brush as its annoying little cousin.

And not A5 either. It's too much of an easy target. I remember seeing Jimmy Carr do a long bit about how much he hated A5 on 8 out of 10 Cats. I remember thinking at the time: Oh Jimmy, why have you got to pick on the runt of the litter?

And A4 just sits there, unsatirised, bold as brass.

The standard size for printers and photocopiers. Ruling the roost. Untouchable.

We need a revolution. And what a glorious revolution it will be! Parades in every town, Paper Bolsheviks marching proudly, and - the greatest part of all - Ticker tape floating through the air. The biggest Ticker tape parade since JFK returned from the moon.

A4.

What is it good for?

Just cut a sheet of A3 in half (or stick two A5s together).

***

I should probably stop using stationery to examine politics.

Next time:

The Lamination of Islam