We bought a smoothie-maker the other day. There are few things that can raise the spirits more than a good smoothie.
A bit of fruit juice, a banana, a bit of yoghurt, some frozen berries. Blend those mofos up, and you have yourself a drink that's healthy and invigorating! You feel superior when you're drinking a smoothie. You look at those poor saps eating solid fruit and think: "there but for the grace of God go I". Then slurp one down.
The smoothie is often quite lurid in colour. It looks like cartoon toxic waste. Delicious!
Another benefit is that the smoothie-maker is incredibly noisy. It sounds like the death rattle of a kamikaze lawnmower. I like using loud appliances. It makes me feel like a real man. Some people use a jigsaw or a lathe. I use a smoothie-maker. I'm a fruity carpenter. The ingredients are my wood, and the smoothie is my chest of drawers.
("But you can't keep socks and pants in a smoothie.")
Shut up and drink your drink! MMM, SMOOTHIE!
("...")
SAY IT!
("Uh...")
SAAYYYYY IIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
("mm. smoothie...")
YEEEAHHHH!
Nowadays the idea of 5 fruit and veg a day is a joke.
5?! I can down 5 in a heartbeat. It's too easy. I've started creating my own fruit rules.
I can only eat multiples of 5, though. I'm not an animal. I had 15 yesterday. A wry 15.
If I get to the end of the day and I've had, say, 13 portions of fruit and veg, just before I go to bed I have to regurgitate three portions of fruit. No more, no less.
Those are the rules.
THOSE ARE THE RULES!!
(I've been told all this extra fruit is making me erratic and unreasonable. Anyone who has suggests that IS DEAD NOW! SMMMOOOOOOOOOOOTHHIIIIIEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!)
The smoothie-maker came with a smoothie recipe book. We haven't made any of those yet. Some sound quite good, but some seem a bit strange:
Bananapalm Surprise
Two bananas, a cup of pineapple juice, a twist of lime, and an ounce of napalm - burns off those extra calories!
Orange Juice Smoothie
One cup of orange juice, one cup of orange juice, half a cup of orange juice, and a pinch of orange juice (DO NOT BLEND THE INGREDIENTS. POUR IT STRAIGHT INTO THE GLASS.)
The 'Gentle Ben'
One cup of apple juice, a ripe pear, a tablespoon of probiotic yoghurt, eight ounces of bear rind, and the hope of a child.
Normal, Everyday Smoothie
Your enemies will know you mean business. The whirring blade is the Reaper. No more jokes. No more snide remarks. Just pure justice. The screams, the whirring, the frothy taste of righteousness. (Add lemon juice to taste)
The Bachelor
Baked beans and cigarettes.
***
*Recipes reprinted by the kind permission of the good people at Morphy Richards.*
I hate to burst your bubble but you know that only one of your "5 a day" can come from smoothies, right?
ReplyDeleteKaty
I don't think that's true. It is with fruit juice (as it only uses part of the fruit), but a smoothie uses everything.
ReplyDeleteI mean, it's the all the same stuff - just liquified. Everything gets smoothified once it's eaten, after all!
i like this idea of 15 a day. 5 is for wusses!
ReplyDeletei'd like to order a gentle ben please. and, sir, is your hope naturally sourced? or does it come from the more hopeful americans? that said, is hope sourced from, say, palestine, sweeter?
I tend to use powdered hope (just add water).
ReplyDeleteThe All Nighter Smoothie
ReplyDeleteice, grapefruit, red bull.
That's a good one! Although, I'd probably add some caffeine pills and ground coffee for an extra kick.
ReplyDelete