Booking

I joined the library at the weekend. The library as a concept is a beautiful thing: a government sponsored depository for learning, where anyone, no matter their income, can share in the wisdom of ages.

What a wondrous place! Old majestic atlases overflowing with geographical nuggets, huge Russian tomes, volumes of poetry, precise and extravagant, unfurling like the flower petals.

In reality, the library is mostly detective novels and old people.

I don't understand popular fiction. There's so much of it - I find it daunting. Where do you start? The answer for me is: you don't. That's my policy for tackling any difficult task.

All the authors have interchangeable names (Jeffrey Johnson, John Jeffreyson, Susan March, Susan April, Margaret Jeffries, John Susans). And the books are all called something like: The Oaken Child, or The Elderflower Junction, or The Mississippi Hand Grenade Contusion. It gives me a headache.

I toyed with the idea of buying some large-print books, and pretending I had magnifying glasses for eyes. But it seemed frivolous.

So, I decided to get a few superhero graphic novels. I then spent about fifteen minutes wandering around, looking for something else to get - something vaguely intellectual that would make me seem like less of a child. I didn't want people to think I had the brain of an adolescent, even if it's true.

I could pretend they were for my son, Lucy suggested. But that would start a whole world of deception that I'm not ready for. What if I struck up a friendship with a member of library staff? Would I have to hire a child to play the role of my son? Could I build one out of newspaper and glue?

In the end, I got a Will Self book on psychogeography, which is good, but just seems like travel writing to me. I feel bad about travel writing, because I never travel. It seems disingenuous and unsatisfying to read. Like reading a cookery book when you don't have an oven (or any hands). Or reading a Harry Potter book when your wizarding experience is rudimentary at best.

I'm glad I joined the library. It's an excellent institution. Also, I now have a cool looking library card which makes me feel like a member of society. I don't want to feel too involved in society. But being part of a communal book pool is good enough for a start.