Her Majesties

I'm tired: there's no question about that. And I have to go to work tomorrow. Also true.

But I don't feel like going to bed.

I must have written literally eight of these posts - taking a hilarious sideways glance at what it's like when you should probably go to bed but don't!

Oh, think of the possibilities! Perhaps I can sound slightly miserable and obtuse! Maybe I can act all weird! Maybe I can get all self-referential and annoying! (Yes, maybe I could...)

We're having our flat inspected tomorrow. Inspected by our letting agency, that is. We're not under suspicion of having killed a small boy (oh no).

So we've been cleaning (because of the impending inspection, it's not related to any boy-juice, no siree Bob).

When I say 'we', I mean 'Lucy'. I've done nearly nothing. I was using the Royal 'we'. Do you think if the Queen was schizophrenic, she'd use the Royal 'I'? And instead of referring to herself as 'one' she could be 'two'.

'I was always told that two should mind two's own business," she might say.

There. Comedy gold. Schizophrenic Queen. I smell a sitcom. Or it might be the smell of a dead boy (it's not that).

Michael Sheen can be in the sitcom. As the Queen. He's quite the mimic. He can also play the corgis, in a hilarious Eddie Murphy-style multi-role extravaganza!

And Brian Clough can live with the Queen.

And Emilio Estevez could be in it for some reason.

The whole cleaning thing is an attempt to convince the letting agents that we live in a neat and tidy fashion. Like cleaning your teeth before you go to the dentists. Or washing your hands before being questioned by police (it won't come off!).

It's a superficial gesture, but I think it might be worth it.

Do you think they'll snoop around the flat?

I would. I'd check out the DVDs, books and CDs. I'd probably take one as a souvenir.

Maybe we should leave them some cake, to sweeten the deal. They'd be sure to give us a glowing report if they got cake. They might overlook the stains in the bath from the new shower gel I've been using.

It's made by Lynx. They've got this new range. It's called Sacrifice. A deep red. And it has some exfoliating agents in there too (that look a bit like the hair of a child but aren't the hair of a child - also: teeth).

I should probably go to bed now. It's nice to sleep in a clean house. 'We' did an excellent job.

I'll let you know if we're thrown out of our flat. I hope we're not. If they happen to read this, I'm sure they will give me the benefit of the doubt.

***

Just to confirm, we definitely did not kill a boy.

No. 'We' didn't.