Crumble

I suppose I should talk about the impending disaster of Southampton Football Club. I just can't seem to write about it without seeming annoyingly earnest or filled with impotent rage. I just hope we can somehow stay afloat. I'd rather support a Saints team in League 2 than have no team at all.

I've been thinking about possible financial saviours. I think some of Coldplay are from the area. Maybe they can help? I'll draft a letter.

***

Dear Chris Martin (and the other ones),

I'm writing to ask you to save Saints FC with some of your enormous wealth. Admittedly, I don't care for your music. But why not use some of your ill-gotten gain for good? Like robbing a bank to build an orphanage. Or stealing from a church collection plate to fund church demolition.

Your wife is also rich. She can help. Her English accent is excellent, and she was quite good in The Royal Tenenbaums. Also, I don't think 'Apple' is a stupid name for a child. I like apples. I don't like children. If anything, she'll benefit from the association.

Perhaps you could play a benefit concert. I'll watch it on TV (on mute).

This club needs your help.

Yours in sycophantic desperation,

A Saints Fan


That might work.

I'm not going to send it off. I assume Martin reads this blog anyway. Like all the other big stars.

Which reminds me:


Dear Rory Bremner

Please stop harassing my wife.

Yours angrily,

A Saints Fan

PS. Please give money to save our football club. If you can do an impression of Chris Martin, we might be in business.