And so it goes

I understand that you need an eye-catching headline. I understand the need to make seemingly dry subjects accessible and interesting to a casual reader. But there comes a time when a headline is just misleading.

From BBC News:

Sex smell lures 'vampire' to doom

It's a story about lampreys.

Now, if they had just used the 'sex smell' angle, that would have been fine. If they'd have just used the 'vampire' factor, I would be perfectly happy.

But the combination of 'sex smell' and 'vampire' (in addition to being a search engine's dream) raises expectations that just can't be met by a story about lampreys.

And it is quite an interesting story, I'll grant you.

But when I read that headline, my imagination creates scenarios that Richard Black, the BBC News Environment correspondent, probably isn't going to write about. Unless it's April Fool's Day.

It's not April Fool's Day.

Unless everyone in my life has concocted a very elaborate prank in convincing me that it's three months earlier than it actually is.

If they have done that: bravo. I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.

Like a sea lamprey.

***

This is one of those entries where I haven't got much to say, so I split it into sections, creating the illusion of depth.

When I write these, I'm essentially saying: "look how diverse my interests are".

One bit is about something serious, one bit is about films, one bit is a humourous observation, one bit is a tedious self-commentary. I used to do them more often. I've grown as a writer.

Sometimes I groan as a writer as well. That's like a normal groan, but with pencil-shavings falling out of my mouth.

Ahahahaha.

***

Check out this scary pencil:



I found this through Robert Popper's new blog. You might know him as the co-creator of Look Around You, or the writer of The Timewaster Letters, or you might not know him at all.

I'm not crazy about blogs that are nothing but links to videos and other stuff. It takes ages to go through them all.

And yet he's the professional writer.

Where's the justice?

Oh. There it is. On the coffee table. I shouldn't leave it there, or something might get spilled upon't.

No-one needs soggy justice.

***

And I've just realised I have an over-reliance on beginning sentences with 'And'.

It's a useful device, and sometimes makes things funnier. But you shouldn't use it as much as I do. I should tone down the Ands.

And if that means I can't talk about the Andes, or Andy Crane, or Un chien andalou, that's just the stupid meaningless cross I have to bear.

***

If Jesus was crucified on an asterisk, what would be the footnote?

***

I'm thinking of inventing a non-violent alternative sport called 'goodminton'.

It's a bit like badminton, but without the unnecessary beatings. In goodminton, everyone gets a shuttlecock and is really nice to it. You could just stroke it, or take it with you on a day out (to Marwell Zoo, for example).

You could make it a little shoebox house, or paint it attractive colours.

Of course the word 'shuttlecock' is a bit offensive. Not that the word is unpleasant - but it is slightly phallocentric.

In goodminton, they're called shuttlecunts. It's a way of redressing deeply held gender assumptions about the primacy of the male.

It's non-competitive, so each session of goodminton is followed by mini-quiches and champagne cocktails. As of yet, the 2012 Olympic committee has not responded to my application.

Fingers crossed.