N'Year

Do you ever feel sorry for December? Every other month gets a little retrospective at the end.

"Man, that was one violent August," for example.

But at the end of December, everyone is talking about the year as a whole. December doesn't have its time in the sun. I feel sorry for it. The poor month is relegated to being a frivolous closing ceremony, all sparkly and boozy. It never has a chance to stand on its own 31 feet, and be judged on its own merits.

If you don't believe me, here are some news stories that happened in December. They weren't covered by the mainstream media as it was too busy talking about Quality Streets and the 100 Greatest Broken Bottles of 2008. You might be surprised at these overlooked items:

December 9th: A child was born in Benin with a cigar-and-moustache-shaped growth on his face, making him resemble a pink Groucho Marx

December 11th: An article appeared in The New Yorker defending Hitler as being no more than a lovable idiot, "a bit like Gareth from The Office"

December 18th: The Large Hadron Collider was permanently shut down by the UN, after they received complaints that the adjective 'large' was a bit of an understatement

December 19th: A man claiming to have spotted Madeleine McCann was arrested after his surveillance photos turned out to be polaroids of his own genitals covered with hay

December 26th: In a revenge attack for the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami, many South-East Asian countries orchestrated a massive assault on the sea. Numerous bullets were fired into the ocean, and even innocent estuaries were pummelled by fists and sticks. Although several surfers were killed in the attack, the sea itself appeared unharmed, and continued its activities unabated

December 27th: Nigel Mansell went back in time

December 28th: The Vatican defended accusations of misconduct levelled at the Pope. According to an official statement:

"His Holiness was looking for his Pastoral Staff in the dark, and accidentally picked up a machine gun. Not used to its weight, he accidentally stumbled onto the balcony and opened fire on the gathered crowds in St Peter's Square. News footage purporting to show His Holiness laughing at the bloodshed actually records an unfortunate bout of hiccups."

December 30th: The year 2009 actually arrived a day early, but nobody really noticed. 2010 tried to charge through the open time-door, but was beaten back with clubs and tear-gas.

You see what happened whilst you were watching the Queen's speech? Some serious shit went down.

December is the ignored black-sheep of the month family. The child that gets no attention, so goes grazy and kills people. In a Santa hat.

I hope you can forgive us, December.

***

We watched Disney's The Sword in the Stone yesterday. It's held up really well! The best thing about it is there are no goody-two-shoes characters, no perfect heroes, no dainty princesses. It's just a load of grumpy, insane people getting more and more annoyed with each other. The most normal character is the boy, and he's a complete idiot.

You should check it out! There's nothing funnier than exasperation.

I tried finding a good clip on youtube, and stumbled across this. I don't know it this is brilliant or stupid. Probably both. Once again, the funniest thing is how irritated Merlin gets.