Ramblo: First Blood

Remember September 11?

A harrowing day for all concerned.

***

My iPod isn't working. I'm not sure if my computer, Windows Fucking Vista, or iTunes is to blame, but it made my morning a stressful one.

I had to walk to work without it. What am I going to listen to? My thoughts? I don't need that. My morning to work is boring enough even with music playing.

I was forced to liven up my journey by catching the bus or killing a homeless person. I chose the former, and I think I made the right decision (I had no weapons and hate having to clean my shoes).

I sound more miserable than I am. It's just because I'm sparing with exclamation marks. That's the trouble with the internet: it's conditioned us to over-emote. Every sentence has to end with multiple exclamation marks!!!! We have acronyms to show (disproportionately) how much emotion we're feeling ROFL!! And don't get me started on emoticons! ;-) >:-

It doesn't really bother me. It's just that it makes this blog, with all it's old-fashioned full-stops, seem like the cold, dead journal of a serial killer.

I wonder: if I did go on a killing spree, would they read this? It might give them some valuable insights into my deranged mind. I'm sure there are some common threads that suggest instability and various perversions (only some of which are true).

It might even be serialised in a newspaper. Hopefully something classy.

"This week in the Guardian: in his own words, notorious killer Paul Fung describes his frustrations with Windows Vista, and his obsession with evolution and Richard Herring"

Alternatively, if I ever become a prominent public figure (Prime Minister, Nobel laureate, Countdown host etc), the writings contained herein may strike a death-blow to my credibility. Prime Minister's questions would be a massacre.

'Well, the honourable gentleman opposite may claim to have brought about a period of unprecedented economic growth. But is it not true, that he once wrote - and I quote -

"The annoying thing is, when I pitched my film idea to Dreamworks about a man who ingests children's farts in an attempt to live forever, I got some funny looks.

And a threat of police action.

And an erection."'

There's really no comeback for that. I'd have to resign in disgrace.

It's annoying that I've ruled myself out of a ministerial job, just by writing this blog. The chances of me going into politics are small, I'll grant you, but I don't want to burn too many bridges.

I might set fire to Jeff Bridges' house, just so I can make a 'burning bridges' joke.

My behaviour is determined almost entirely by puns. I tried to use that defense in a criminal trial once, but I was court out.

Court! Caught! Like a legal court! It's wordplay!

It didn't get too big a laugh on the day. Though that may have something to do with all those children I killed.