I know people often use that kind of introduction when they have a joke they actually quite like, but are embarrassed about.
Lord knows I've done this in the past. I've come up with some terrible pun that I want to share, so I present it in some protective buffer by making it into media satire, or putting it into the mouth of a character with lower standards than mine.
But this isn't one of those. This is genuinely a terrible joke. It just about reaches the minimum requirements for a joke, but doesn't work for so many reasons.
Even with all this preamble, you're probably thinking that it will raise a smile anyway, perhaps in spite of my warning. It won't.
Every time I even think this joke, my only reaction is a furrowed brow. And that's what I'm expecting from you.
Why would I even think of this, let alone remember it, let alone write it down?
I don't know why or how I came up with it. I think I was tired. But I couldn't get it out of my head, like a jingle or those voices telling me to hurt people.
Here it is:
What do you call a comedian who cuts wood?
Lathe Martin
You see? Furrowed.
The punchline refers to Steve Martin. I can see why you might not have made that leap.
Let's look at the reasons why this is a terrible joke.
1
We'll start with the obvious: this "joke" is predicated on the fact that the word 'lathe' sounds like the word 'Steve'. It doesn't.
It's not just that it doesn't rhyme - it doesn't even come close to rhyming. No part of 'Steve' is like 'lathe'. The only thing it has in common is that it ends in an 'e'.
If his name was Stethe Martin, it still wouldn't work, but at least it would be one step closer.
But his name isn't Stethe Martin. It's Steve Martin.
Even a comedian called Dave would be better. Dave doesn't rhyme with lather either, but it sounds like it. This would be a better joke if it was a Dave comedian. But who's a good Dave comedian? Attell? Allen? Not well known enough.
I think the best I could do is "Lathid Baddiel". But then I'd need to spell it "Lathe-id" for it to register.
And - to emphasise my point - the "Lathe-id Baddiel" variant is much, much better than the original version.
2
The joke is a one-level pun.
By this I mean that the only connection between the two separate ideas (woodwork and comedy) is those two words sounding similar. Which, I've already established, they do not.
You get a lot of one-level puns on Twitter. It's not good enough. For a joke to be worthwhile, you need to have something else: either another 'joining' element which relates the two subjects again, or an interesting turn of phrase, or some wider context.
One word sounding similar to another is not enough to justify making a joke.
And, again, the words do not sound similar.
3
No-one knows what lathes do. Even professional lathers.
The joke says "cuts wood", but do lathes really do that? A lathe is not a jigsaw. It's a lathe. They probably don't work exclusively with wood, either. Lathes perform a huge range of functions. Reducing it to 'cutting wood' is an oversimplification, and a grave insult to the inventor of the lathe: Professor Maxwell Lathe.
It's a bad object to include in a joke.
I could have been more accurate if the set-up was:
What do you call a comedian who performs a huge range of functions?
Though it may have steered the listener even further away from the lathe, it at least would have been interesting.
4
The word 'lathe' is not a good word for a punchline. It's not... punchy enough. 'Lathe' sounds like a wet wafer sliding down someone's tongue. You're not getting a laugh with 'lathe'.
5
Steve Martin is not a contemporary figure. I'm sorry, Steve, but it's true. But if he is thought of, it's mostly as an actor. His heyday as a stand-up has long since passed.
That may be why you didn't "get" the joke when you first read it. Even if you were running your mind through comedians who might fit the punchline, he was probably quite far down the list.
I'm not too learned about the modern comedy scene to be able to suggest an up-to-date replacement. When I was part of "the scene", choosing an apposite Steve would have been child's play.
Let's check Chortle.
Are any of these in the zeitgeist? They all look pretty old.
Steve Coogan's been in the news a lot lately. would have been an improvement, and even he's more often thought of as a comedy actor than a comedian. He is twenty years younger than Steve Martin. I checked.
6.
This is closely related to 5. 'Martin' is too common a name. If 'Steve' doesn't sound like 'lathe' and (I think I mentioned it before) it doesn't, you'll be looking for clues to work out the punchline by looking at the surname.
But there are a million people with the surname Martin. It could have been a Dean Martin joke. Or a Chris Martin joke. Neither of those forenames sound like 'lathe', but neither does 'Steve'.
That's another reason why Lathe Coogan would be an improvement. There aren't too many Coogans about. So you could work backwards, and solve the mystery of the joke.
"Ah," you'd say. "Lathe Coogan. Like Steve Coogan. He must think that 'lathe' sounds like 'Steve'. It doesn't, though."
YES I KNOW.
7.
The set-up is clumsily worded. The "what do you call a [blank]?" joke format is pretty hackneyed these days. And why not tighten it up? "What do you call a carpenter comedian?" is much snappier, and takes you into the right territory. Or it would if I knew what the hell a lathe was used for. Do carpenters use lathes?
8.
No-one was asking for a joke about:
a) cutting wood and
b) Steve Martin
When coming up with this joke, even if I was wedded to the format, I could have chosen literally any combination of occupation and comedian. And any of those combinations would have been closer than 'lathe' and 'Steve.
I was working within parameters so narrow that the worst thing I could have thought of was, necessarily, also the best thing I could have thought of.
It's good to work within a framework, but not if that framework is scaffolding snug around an atom.
***
Just to conclude my argument, and to demonstrate its soundness, I will use each of these eight faults to suggest alternative versions of the Lathe Martin joke. All of these alternatives are terrible. And all of them are improvements on the original.
1.
What do you call a comedian who cuts wood?
Lathe-id Baddiel
2.
What do you call a comedian who cuts wood?
Lathe Martin. He was the best I ever SAW.
3.
What do you call a comedian who performs a huge range of functions?
Lathe Martin
4.
What do you call a comedian who cuts wood?
Michael HackIntyre
5.
What do you call a comedian who cuts wood?
Lathe Coogan
6.
What do you call a comedian who cuts wood?
Lathe Bugeja
7.
What do you call a carpenter comedian?
Lathe Martin
8.
What do you call a comedian who extracts coal from the ground?
Jerry Minefeld
***
My original joke is worse than ALL OF THOSE.
I hope Lathe Martin is in your head now, buzzing there like a insect that just won't die.
A problem shared is a problem halved. Like so much wood. Halved on a lathe. By a carpenter.
What do you call a comedian in two equal segments?
Halve Martin
I'm fine.
Good to be writing again.
No comments:
Post a Comment