Capital Letters

Dear Santa 

I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.

In the run-up to December, your mailbag must be quite the sight! In your busy period, you hear from children from all over the world. I'm sure it is both heartening and overwhelming!

It is now mid-January. Christmas is over. You have done your duty. Millions of children are enjoying their presents. And it is your time to relax.

But I wonder if you might get a little lonely. After all, the pressure and the activity are now over. In my experience, there can be a period of low mood after a significant event. There's so much build-up that the aftermath can be a desolate time.

That's why I'm writing. In January, the letters suddenly stop. Even the most premature of Christmas letters will surely not arrive for a few months. It must just be bills and junk mail.

So I write this to provide some human contact in what may be a lonely time. Are your elves on holiday? I imagine they are.

Don't worry: I'm not asking for anything! That must be a rarity in one of your letters!

I just want you to know that you are appreciated all year round. 

Enjoy your time off. Relax. You deserve it.

Yours
Philip Anderson

***

What do you think?

Philip Anderson is my new character.

According to Wikipedia, there's a cyclist, an editor and a Nobel laureate with the same name. But I still think it's usable.

Philip Anderson is his own man.

His main characteristics seem to be that he writes thoughtful letters to fictional beings.

I might write a film about him.

***

Dear Zorro

I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.

I just wanted to thank you for all of your good work. Though official channels of justice (the police, the courts, etc) are important elements in a civilised society, sometimes we need an agent of good who operates outside of traditional institutions.

Being an outlaw must be a stressful (though highly enjoyable!) occupation, and I thought you might appreciate a note of appreciation from the people you serve.

Keep up the good work!

Yours
Philip Anderson

***

The film would be a heart-warming Gump-esque tale about a naive, good-hearted outsider, whose eccentric behaviour overcomes cynicism, making the world a better place.

He writes these letters all the time. They're seen, read and mocked by post office staff. But a woman who works there (our female lead) appreciates the sentiment of Philip Anderson's writing, and falls in love with him.

She agrees to help him get his letters to the desired recipients. I haven't worked out the whole plot, but I think Anderson will get to meet the President.

***

Dear Pinhead (from out of Hellraiser)

I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.

I would hate to be presumptuous (and please forgive me if I seem patronising), but you seem like someone who might enjoy a bit of human contact.

Harvesting souls must be exhausting! I don't even harvest wheat (a human crop), so can't imagine what your workload must be like. Admittedly, I don't know too much about you, having merely skimmed your Wikipedia page, but I would like to offer my moral support in all your endeavours.

I too was something of an outsider growing up, and can appreciate how difficult it is when your looks and interests are perceived as "abnormal" by the majority. I just want you to know that it's OK to be yourself. You shouldn't feel any pressure to conform, or to not have pins in your head, just because other people think that's the right way to be.

We are all individual, and we all decide how we should live.

Again, I don't mean to infer some inner struggle where there isn't one. I'm probably just projecting, because I remember my own mindset when I bought my leather jacket!

I've probably rambled too much! I'll just sign off by saying that you are an important part of the universe, and you are loved more deeply than you'll ever know.

Yours
Philip Anderson

 
***

The examples I've included here (Santa, Zorro, Pinhead) aren't necessarily those that I'll include in the final script. There are probably copyright issues with some, if not all, of these. But you get the idea.

As far as casting goes, I feel that we need a strong leading man. Hanks is perhaps too obvious a choice. And I'm showing my age when I suggest Meg Ryan for the postal worker!

Perhaps something along these lines:

Philip Anderson: Adrien Brody
Post Office Woman Love Interest (possibly called Jane or Hannah): Reese Witherspoon
The President: Method Man

And there will be a whole range of interesting supporting players that they'll meet along the way. Daniel Radcliffe would look good as a train driver, I think.

***

Dear Philip Anderson

I hope this letter finds you well. I thought you might appreciate some correspondence at this time.

If you're who I think you are, you'll be freaking out right now.

I am you. And I really need some help.

Am I real?

Please respond.

Yours
Philip Anderson

***

Charlie Kaufman usually writes his own stuff, but I would think he'd be willing to collaborate.

If any producers are interested in... optioning(?) this, please call my agent.

If any agents are interested in representing me, please drop me an email.

If any (free) email providers are interested in offering me their services, I'd really like to reserve philip.anderson@[yourdomain].com

I look forward to hearing from you all, in reverse order.