Does this work as a joke?
Geppetto: "Ah, this whole paedophile furore seems to have blown over. Touch wood."
***
I feel guilty for being more interested in the US presidential election than British government. I know I should be engaging with the issues and institutions that most impact upon me. But when I scroll through a news website, I can't help but avoid talk about Brown and Cameron and crunchy credit.
In America they're talking about lipstick on animals. Now that's politics I can get behind!
I sometimes wonder if a presidential system would help people engage with politics in this country. I know it's not much of a choice. The race for president is essentially an utterly shallow personality X-Factor. And if it was the choice between personality politics and policy politics, I wouldn't hesitate to support the latter.
The trouble is, British politics doesn't have policy or personality. It's just a load of very similar rich white men saying similar things. The political spectrum is so narrow it's like a pin-hole. And it makes any policy arguments seem petty and for show.
It's as though Man Utd won the league, and then started their own competition between two slightly different groups of Man Utd players. And they tried to convince us that this is actually much better than the old Premiership, and the conflict between Man U A and Man U B is just as fierce and important as those old rivalries.
So, we don't have policy to engage us. And the personalities don't exist either. When Tony Blair is as charismatic and interesting as it gets, something is wrong. A battle between Brown and Cameron is a painful proposition - the a pitiable fight between two drunk brothers.
And I don't want it to seem like that's how I view things. I know the battle is important really. I know that Cameron being in charge would be equally inept and ten times as evil. But they're not selling the importance to me. It's difficult to condition people to accept politics as important when it's been hammered into them that politicians all lie and are the same.
But I suppose grafting a superficial personality contest on top of all this probably wouldn't do any good - it would just add to the confusion. But at least people would feel like politics was something tangible, and a part of their lives. Instead of just suits in the background - operating us marionettes with grey-gloved hands.
The trouble is that politians have to play things safe, because they govern by focus group. They need to appeal to as many people as possible, so everything is generic and stable and uncontroversial.
And if you take risks, espousing niche views, acting with force, living by principles - perhaps exterminating an entire ethnic group - you're decried as a genocidal madman. Instead of praised as a hero.
Adolf Hero.
Wait... I forgot what point I was trying to make...
Probably just best to say that British politics is alienating, but still better than most alternatives, so we should probably stop thinking about it and watch Strictly Come Dancing.
***
My career as an observational comedian: Part II
Do you think anyone ever gets any work done in the water-cooler factory?
