I apologise in advance for the puerile nature of this entry. I'll make up for it next time by examining the credit crunch in reference to the writings of Emile Durkheim, whilst smoking a pipe.
I was thinking about how I always try and get people to choke. Not in any violent way, you understand. I mean that I often wait until people are drinking and try and get them to laugh. I suppose my goal is for the drink to come out of their nose. It's cruel, I suppose, but I like to have physical evidence that what I'm saying is funny - and nose juice is as good an example as any.
I don't mean to cause discomfort. I just can't help myself. I like to make people laugh, and it's easier to do so if they are trying their hardest not to laugh. Like in the cinema or at a funeral. That's the time to do a little jig or a stupid voice. I've been banned from family funerals for this very reason (although my "Dancin' Lloyd Grossman" routine might have been better received if the coffin lid hadn't given way under my fancy feet).
So, I want people to choke whilst drinking. But I think the ultimate goal - and my main comedic ambition - is to make someone literally piss themselves through laughing. I hope to do it one day. I think you need the person to already have a full bladder and preferably be inebriated. (I'm excluding babies and the elderly here, because their incontinence is not contingent on the quality of my knock-knock jokes).
So, I'm aiming to make an adult piss themselves through laughter. It would be a real testament to my joke. It would also grow in legend. I want to have a reputation as someone so funny, it counteracts years of toilet-training.
I'd have to make sure people knew it wasn't just a figure of speech.
"Yeah, Paul was so funny! I was pissing myself!"
I'd have to nudge them as a prompt.
"Literally. I literally pissed myself".
And I'd nod approvingly.
I think it would be a real accomplishment.
And that's the highest goal. But, I hear you cry, is that really the best to aim for? What about defecation?
Well, I've thought about it. But people don't seem to shit themselves due to laughter. I've never heard of it happening. No-one even uses it as a metaphor.
"Yeah man, that film is so funny! I shit myself laughing at it!"
It doesn't happen. Shitting yourself is reserved only for fear, it seems, even in the world of metaphor.
"Don't scare me like that! I nearly shit myself!"
It makes sense, I suppose. Being mortally terrified might entail a greater loss of control than mere mirth. Interestingly though, people never seem to piss themselves through fear. You'd think that would come first. Maybe they do piss themselves, but the urine is superceded by the excrement (and is thus not worth mentioning).
I wonder why we associate faeces with fear and urine with amusement. It's as though liquid is jolly and trivial, whereas solid is serious and disturbing. Perhaps it reflects the large percentage of our bodies that is made up of liquid?
Alternatively, it might be that different sphincters are connected to different emotional responses. Humans are wired up in a bit of a haphazard way - it's possible!
I think, failing a wetting incident, the next best thing would be to make someone vomit through laughter. Again, that one's not often talked about, but I think it could happen (possibly by the same inebriated person). No-one talks about vomit in relation to fear, either, and I reckon in real life more people throw up due to fear than shit themselves.
To sum up:
I endeavour to use any comedic tools at my disposal to induce the expulsion of a (non-specific) bodily substance from a person, due to the hilarity of the act.
I'd accept someone bleeding out of sheer amusement, but I think you have to be an expert to illicit that response. Frank Carson can do it, apparently.
