Stardom

 

Shortly after writing my last post on the internet (it was both on the subject of the internet, and transmitted via the internet), I was linked to a great old Douglas Adams article where he makes some of the same points as me, but much more succinctly and eloquently.

That's the trouble with always being right. (I'm right about everything except this very assertion.) There are always people out there who have thought the same things as me, but have the talent to better express them, and to reach a wider audience.

Then again, I'm sure I've written things that no-one else has thought of. Even if they are just as right as me. I'm probably too hung up on originality (mistakenly believing novelty is better than quality - especially in large quantities). Sometimes I'll tweet something almost incomprehensible, just because I'm sure I must be the first to say it.

So sometimes I'm right and redundant. And sometimes I'm revolutionary and unfathomable.

The trick is in getting the balance right. That golden ratio of the obvious to the obtuse. It's a thin line. I'm thinking of building a summer house there.

In the opening sentence of this post (remember that?), I spelled 'internet' with a lower-case 'i'. In my previous post I spelled it with a capital 'I' (not to be confused with a lower-case 'L').

It seemed wrong at the time. Capitalising 'internet' seems like capitalising Grass. Or Unease.

But the spellcheck highlighted my lower-hopeless-case errors, and I changed them like a sap.

Later, I was linked to this manifesto, outlining basic principles about the i/Internet, most of which I agree with. This is at the bottom:

ps – The 11th principle is that it’s “internet” not “Internet”. We capitalize technology when it’s new and scary. It’s time to decapitalize it, just like radio, newspaper, and television.

Yeah! That's right! Up yours, Blogger spellcheck (useful though you are)! No more capitals for the internet. Capitals are tools of The Man. Without them, he'd just be the man. And no-one would take him seriously. Or the woman.

***

I took a few days off Twitter and I think I've forgotten how to do it. I'm worried I've stepped outside the bubble of myself, and can see it for the shimmering, fragile, bitter-tasting orb that it is. I hope I haven't ruined the magic.

And it is magic.

I'm sure I'll get used to it again. Just as I got used to unicorns being extinct. It was a shock at first, but to be honest: HORSES.

***

Those three asterisks are like a personal trainer, trying to motivate me to go a few extra feet.

"Come on, Paul!" they say, in unison. "You can do another chunk of text! It doesn't have to be funny or make sense. It just has to be some words. What about us? You could put words in the mouth of asterisks! I bet no-one's ever done that before!"

I think you're underestimating the number of people in the world. And the number of people who have come into contact with asterisks. There must be billions.*

I bet at least one of them has anthropomorphised asterisks. I bet there are over ten people who have compared the three asterisks to Snap, Crackle and Pop.

I bet there are four people who have imagined them with Scouse accents.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING HERE, YOU LITTLE STAR JERK-OFFS.

"Sorry. Just a suggestion. You shouldn't have used that last term. It has changed your tone from whimsy to abuse."

You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to swear.

"With language like that, you'll end up writing the matchday programmes at Accrington Stanley".

Who are they?

"Exaccchhhkkly."

***

You've made your point.

Lots of points. Six each. Eighteen in total.

Or so it seems. Maybe it's just this font.


*Scientists estimate nearly three billion people have encountered asterisks. They have done experiments and made charfs and pie graphs on this very subject.