Another compilation of my least bad recent tweets, you say?
You don't say.
But I'm trying to not leave it too long between instalments. Not because of the clamour (and believe me, there has been clamour), but because it takes a surprisingly long time to log all the sort-of jokes, sort-of-ideas and sort-of sentences that I've published online in the past week.
So pour yourself a stiff drink (custard), kick off your shoes and football matches, sit back, relax, wonder if you've left the tap dripping, realise that you haven't (it's loud bleeding!) and do something useful with your time. Close this browser window and read a book or something.
But later, in a dark moment, come back and read this.
L33t Tw33ts of the W33k
***
Mediterranean politicians should concentrate on winning over artichoke hearts and minds.
***
There'th thomething on the tip of my tongue...
***
I've set myself some goals for today: 1) Avoid Madame Tussauds, 2) Respirate, 3) Give the thumbs up to myself in the mirror. I'm optimistic.
***
I think I need some clothes. I'm wearing trouser. And this Easter Witch hat isn't seasonal at all.
***
I've forgotten what it's like to not wear odd socks. Today's are particularly incongruous. One is an owl puppet and one is an entire lake.
***
I don't think there's anything mystical about the Mummy. He's just a vain man who wears WAY too many belts.
***
Have you heard anything about my reprieve from National Envelope Service? No? Well, keep me posted.
***
My favourite section of The Crystal Maze was the Comfort zone. People tended to find the tasks well within their capabilities.
***
"O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space." - I hate trying on clothes.
***
You crave reassurance? Yeah, well you just keep telling yourself that.
***
Happy Thursday, everyone! Sorry I haven't had time to send out cards this week.
***
I'm drinking soup, not eating soup. I'm not using a spoon. But isn't a cup really just a big, deep spoon with no handle? Isn't it?
***
People always misquote that famous Hamlet line. It's actually: "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Fellatio". Then 3 mins of awkward silence.
***
"All my life I've been wishin', to own my own Titian, please will you siiiiign my online petition!" It's hard to get funding for musicals.
***
I'm It's finding probably it because difficult I to spend pay too attention much to time just on one Twitter. thing at a time.
***
When I die, I'd like all of my teeth to go back to their rightful owners.
***
If boredom was Furbies, I'd be 1998.
***
Whoever came up with the abbreviation 'combo' for 'combination' was an arsehole. I don't care how common it is now. Arsehole.
***
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by sensory information today. I might donate one of my senses to the needy. I can do without smaste.
***
There's an empty cherry-picker parked right outside. Hope it's not just the clumsy compromise of a perverted but flightless ghost.
***
For a time in the late 80s, Ninja Turtles made sewers sexy. Just like The Third Man did forty years previously. It's cyclical. Like yo-yos.
***
The original advert catchphrase of the Milkybar Kid was "The onus is on me!". But children found the word 'onus' unappetising.
***
I think we need to clean our kettle. Looking inside, I could probably build a full-scale limescale model of Winchester cathedral.
***
If I were you, I'd have ten seconds to get off my property.
***
Funny never sleeps. But sometimes it's resting its eyes.
***
"When in Cairo, use a biro; when in Toulouse, a ballpoint must you use". #internationalpenmnemonics
***
I don't believe words should have more than one 'h' in them. But I may not have tought that trough.
***
Remember when they made a Dances With Wolves video game based on the Parappa the Rapper engine? #90snostalgia
***
Sometimes I worry that I'm just using myself.
***
Look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. I don't even know what it is.
***
The most mysterious beverage is Anonymitea.
***
My mug needs to be cleaned, though it is nicely sepia-toned. What's more important: bacteria or nostalgia?
***
I'M ASHAMED TO HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS: "Would you like to explore the Hundred Acre Wood?" - A.A. Milne, aroused.
***
If I was a celebrity I'd drop my own name.
***
Ugh. I've spent the last three days trapped in a cupboard. What a waste of time. Still: ask me anything about coats.
***
If I was ever in a coma, I'd hope someone would notice.
***
If at first you don't succeed, claim to have been attempting failure. #success
***
I could release my own range of greetings cards, but I'm not very neat at colouring or folding cardboard. And I'm not allowed scissors.
***
Plike it or plump it.
***
Are Rice Krispies really spelled with a 'K'? I don't like it. Ks belong to racists and the Slovaks. They don't belong in my kereal bowl.
***
I just washed my mug. It looks unfamiliar now, like a friend that's had plastic surgery, or been washed.
***
"Give me a 'B'! Give me a 'B'! Give me a 'B'!" The crossover between beekeeping and cheerleading is limited.
***
I'm trying to psych, mess, build, wake and wrap myself up. Simultaneously.
***
My complaints aren't repetitive. They're vintage, like a fhine whine.
***
Don't you hate it when you're trying to collapse a deckchair and you get your finger trapped and you realise nobody loves you? #annoying
***
For a while, I refused to use the metric system, but was really just shooting myself in the foot. Now I shoot myself in the 30.48cm.
***
The only thing you're sacrificing by throwing yourself into a volcano is your DIGNITY. #advice
***
I like to start a sentence saying: "I'll tell you one thing..." and then tell them TWO things. Because blowing minds is a full time job.
***
I love the outdoors. I much prefer them to doors that keep their sexual preference a secret.
***
To serve an infinite amount of soup, you need an INCALCULADLE.
***
My working hours could be greatly improved by removing the 's'.
***
The people in my office are either unable to read my thoughts, or just don't care about the instructions contained therein. #telapathy
***
The best way to drink from a water bottle is to completely fill your cheeks before swallowing. That way, people will respect your moxie.
***
I can't decide if this thing in my eye is a glint or a twinkle. Whatever it is, it's certainly indicating my ever-prevalent joie de vivre.
***
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think my LeAnn Rimes tattoo was a mistake.
***
I'm spreading myself thick.
***
Someone just prematurely gave me part of a bike wheel. Spoke too soon.
***
I reckon I could be a drummer. Not sure if I'd be great at the 'rhythm' element, but I'm certainly good at making people feel uncomfortable.
***
"Value" is so close to "Valve". The 'u' and 'v' are cousins: the former slow and soft, the latter sharp and vicious. They should swap: Ualve
***
THINGS I'VE NEVER BOUGHT INCLUDE: an umbrella, matches, 9/11 conspiracy theories, a poncho, charcoal briquettes, leggings, the farm.
***
There's a small child singing loudly outside our window. I eagerly await his next tune: the Just Got Hit On The Head With A Flowerpot Blues.
***
"I'm on a roll!" - Me, moments before being thrown out of the bakery.
***
An Australian returning an unwanted dessert: "Boo! Meringue!"
***
When watching a murder mystery, I always yell "You did it!" at every single character. Even extras. That way I've covered all the bases.
***
To write mysteries, start at the end and work backwards. Good advice. I spent the last week spending all my royalties. Next up: the book!
***
I don't wear a watch or any other wrist accoutrements. I need some patches of my skin clear in case someone asks what race I am.
***
I advocate the 'head in the oven' suicide method. Aside from the homely charm, the smell of fresh baking will attract potential house buyers
***
Sometimes my tweets are 141 characters and I have to remove the final full-stop. It's an awful sacrifice, like losing a toe to save a foot.
***
Alternative use for a whisk: A CAGE FOR AN EGG. Don't ask me how you'd get the egg in there - I'm not a locksmith.
***
I should cut my losses and focus on this afternoon, I think. Mornings are basically just an airlock on the Starship Productive Afternoon.
***
What's the best music for a dull data entry task? Something steady and hypnotic. The worst? Trout Mask Replica.
***
Data entry: tedious on Earth, sensual on the Starship Enterprise.
***
You think I'm easily distracted? Think again. Just call me Mr Cheap Orange Juice, 'cause I'm MADE FROM CONCENTRATE.
***
Hmm. I forgot what I was doing... Hey look, a paperclip!
***
Each tweet is a single subtle wink to just one person. Isn't that right, GARY. ;-)
***
I use 'Otis Redding' as rhyming slang for 'beheading'. It doesn't come up much, which is why I always steer conversation towards Henry VIII.
***
Of course, even then, people more naturally get to 'beheaded'. So I have to steer them towards the present participle.
***
Sometimes I think it's not worth the effort. But rarely.
***
I hate it when people say 'put the date in your diary'. My diary came with every date already included. As standard.
***
Unless it's a date far in the future. Or a fictional date (eg. Twunday πnd Martobery). That's where WH Smith falls down.
***
My Elizabethan costume business is going nowhere. I'm stuck in a ruff.
***
HOME IMPROVEMENT TIP: If you want higher ceilings, just wear thinner socks.
***
There's something primal about eating Marmite. Especially if you do it in the nude.
***
I feel like a god, eating dark matter. Or dense, creamed nebulae.
***
I mean, I'm not a god, and I'm not eating Marmite, and I'm not in the nude. This is just something I've been thinking about. For an hour.
***
I'm thinking of buying a sawn-off shot glass. I like my booze short and jagged.
***
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair. But that other man and those three hikers can stay put.
***
It was a mistake to hide all my valuables inside a Ronnie Corbett sitcom. Still, I learned an important lesson: better safe than Sorry!
***
If I ever win more than five Oscars, I'm going to need to buy a new shelf. #annoying
***
I just blanked myself.
***
A comparison without meaning is like a curtain rail without a curtain: basically just a big stick.
***
You shouldn't say things you can't take back. Which is why I never mention Sale items.
***
Met a chicken today with whom I had an instant rapport. We just clucked.
***
What shall we do with the drunken sailor? Well first things first - we should revoke his boating license. Then... I dunno, an intervention?
***
Remember when Facebook had "is" at the start of status updates? I think Twitter should, by default, end all tweets with ", you know?"
***
I like to take risks with my tweets. Sometimes I'll use two apostrophes '' instead of a quotation mark ". And SO WHAT if I run out of charac
***
Minutes. There's one born every minute.
***
I'm highly frustrated. (My frust has a lot of critical acclaim).
***
Butterfly: the only swimming stroke that's also a type of cake. (Except for Swiss Roll)
***
My new Affirmative Action Man figure is as upbeat as he is Caucasian.
***
I've only attended universities with an 'x' in them. I think it might be because I'm LIVING ON THE EDGE.
***
Bristol wanted me. God knows they did. I said if they changed their name to Brixtol I'd give it some thought. Their loss.
***
It's the same futurepunk approach that means I only enter restaurants that have a neon sword in their logo.
***
On the other hand, I never eat anywhere with a legible menu, and would never study at a university that contained the word "ortsmouth".
***
I can't find the Wine Menu button on my remote.
***
You need to pull your socks up, Lad. All the way up. That's right. You need to be able to clip them to your collar.
***
I'm going to eat some Bran Flakes. Because cereal isn't about the bling and the sugar, it's about SUBSTANCE.
***
After launching a thousand ships and burning the topless towers of Ilium, I imagine Helen's face needed some moisturiser.
***
Well.
Well.
The best thing about my tweets is that about 12% of them actually make sense, and work as jokes. Which leads people to think that the rest of them must make sense too. But they don't.
I like to imagine intelligent people scouring every minor linguistic element of my tweets, searching in vain for meaning.
Of course, no-one is doing that. Imagine! People reading my tweets!
No comments:
Post a Comment