I've just had a shower.
It was a very nice shower. Warm and cleansing, fragrant and heartening. Probably one of my top twenty showers of all time. A real classic.
I'm thoroughly spick-and-span - ready for the day. The rest of the day, anyway (showering took up most of my Wednesday).
You'll notice that my writing style is much cleaner than usual. Before the shower, I would have been overly-wordy. But post-shower, I only use words that are absolutely necessary to convey my meaning, be they adverb, noun, superadjunctive, "ham word" or number.
Let's not dwell on how great I smell. It's time for some more
Paul Writes Things In A Small Box And Shares Them With Strangers
These are the tweets I've written since my last compendium. Some of them are jokes, some are just a collection of words. But they've all got one thing in common!
I don't know what it is.
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Brideshead Recarpeted #lessinterestingbooks
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A Portrait of the Hipster as a Young Man #lessinterestingbooks
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Laughterhouse 5 #lessinterestingbooks
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The Age of Raisin #lessinterestingbooks
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Bleak Horse #lessinterestingbooks
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We Need To Talk About Coving #lessinterestingbooks
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I always preferred The Smell of Music.
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"It's all water under the bridge" - Even Trolls have a flood myth.
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When I was a kid, I tried to plant a sesame seed from a bap in an attempt to grow a burger tree. I was so naive. I hadn't heard of beefseed.
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No positive sentence has ever begun: "Yeah?! Well, you know what?..."
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When I was a zookeeper I used to exercise by jogging on the spot. That poor leopard...
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Failure is a jacket that everyone can wear, but that only looks right on me.
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I think stupid jokes are falling out of favour. I'm going to just start tweeting wise sayings and sage life advice.
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The opinions of others are like the wings of a dragonfly: always moving, translucent and attached to a dragonfly.
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Regret is a pizza with its toppings on the underside.
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My keys jingle so much in my pocket I've had to start giving out presents.
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You can't swing a dead cat around here! Read your contract.
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JOKE: "Doctor, Doctor!" "Please, call me David." "Oh.. uh, David, David!" "What?" "David.. I.. " "Actually, on 2nd thoughts, call me doctor"
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Forgot all about my 'words of wisdom' initiative. Sorry. My next tweet will make up for it.
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If you spend too much time looking back, people will think the back of your head is your face. #wisdom
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It's really hard to draw a target on your face with a biro. Stop moving.
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I can take the hyphens out of an ISBN faster than you can blink. I'm the Billy the Kid of data entry (and self-loathing)!
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I'm going to call my autobiography 'Obviously Not'.
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Crop-growers should do more for the less fortunate. Keep the amateur seeds for themselves, but give all pro seeds to charity.
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With Barclays' new Rectal Interface Booths™, your butt can finally cash those checks your mouth has been writing.
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I went to a kissing booth and they included a lip service charge on the bill. "The cheek!" I said, hoping to reduce the total.
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Quiz Show Pitch: WHICH WITCH WATCH? - Contestants attempt to identify occult timepieces, and avoid burning in Hell for all eternity.
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How old were you when you realised you were eight years old? I was eight.
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You probably shouldn't include the word 'you' in the same sentence three times, should one?
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I'm going through a real purple patch! I think Barney the Dinosaur's been in some sort of terrible accident.
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I'm playing stirring music whilst making a cup of tea. Do you see?
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The tea, the music, the rainy Bank Holiday and the football. My idea of English bliss. #engbliss
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Admittedly, the tea is from Asia, the music is Icelandic, one of the football teams is Welsh, and the rain comes from space. But still...
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Do you think it's too late to get my GCSEs re-marked? It's been twelve years, but thinking back, I'm not sure that K* was deserved.
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"Handsome" is synonymous with "attractive" because having lots of hands is an evolutionary advantage. Especially for glove models
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If you're ever stuck to a magnet, phone the emergency services and ask to reverse the charges.
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I think I'm awake, but can't be sure. I've been pinching myself all morning. If I was a lobster, I'd be dead now.
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Our office is cold today. My teeth would be chattering if they weren't so unsociable.
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After years of experience, I'm finally at the stage where I can regret things in real-time.
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Every time an observational comedian says what we're all thinking, Carl Jung feels totally vindicated and laughs like a pig.
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I try to listen to my heart, but I don't think I have the right headphone jack.
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In the wake of the FIFA scandal, Sepp Blatter has echoed demands for more transparency. Though only in the women's changing room walls.
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It's great having a Guardian Angel, but I never know how much to tip.
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Listening to 'The Only Way Is Up'. Now I understand why Yazz was so shit at R-Type.
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I just threw a red pen with my left hand to my right hand. Like Darth Maul would.
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That Kermit the Frog is all mouth and no trousers.
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A French museum has unveiled a new haul of pirate treasure. It's the world's largest collection of objets d′ARRR. #sorry
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I think people who complain about archaic spellings should shut the fuccough.
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I just looked up the etymology of 'procrastination'.
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Anagrams of 'procrastination' include: Tis Raincoat Porn, Sprint To Ocarina and Carnation Ripost.
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I'm NOT procrastinating:
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Ten to three. That's not the time - it's the odds of me doing anything useful today.
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Six of one, half a baker's dozen of the other.
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Let's get the party startled!
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I just googled 'Paul Fung insane' and I was only the second result. Phew!
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Whenever I see a sunset as beautiful as tonight's, I can't help but wonder who'd win in a fight out of Jimmy Nail and and a sharkbot.
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Just got an auto-email notification from Twitter that I've "let myself and others down". So I've gone to Settings and unticked that box.
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All cheese knives are made from flattened metallic snails. Very sad.
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My shoes are currently composed of 85% scuff.
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I always think of original sin as 'Sin Classic'.
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You can't refer to browsing Amazon as 'window shopping'. But according to my optician, that's not a good enough reason to get glasses.
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When you're applying for a job, do you have to mention criminal offenses you've committed in dreams? Because I don't have that much paper.
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When I was 17, I wrote a list of the Top Ten Things I Will Never Do. I've only done one of them so far: NUMBER 8. INVENT TEENAGE LISTS.
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From work training email: 'Would you like to break into using formulas in Excel?' Break into? Like it's the television industry?
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Catholicism is a growing force in Africa. Which explains why I've just seen a zebra crossing.
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I'd like to make an anouncement! But I have nothing to say.
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Every ring is a mood ring. The mood is always either 'married' or 'garish'.
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Someone's been a naughty boy! I'd imagine. Given the large number of boys in the world, I'd say it's quite probable.
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In the film of my life, I don't think today is even going to make the deleted scenes.
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I'd have been better off donating my day to the needy. Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. But give a man a DAY, &... he'll...eat.. fish..
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An aviary is a habitat for birds. A beaviary is a habitat for beavers.
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Jesus Christ lived in a savioury.
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Over the course of my life, I've broken more spirits than I have windows or promises.
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Ask your local ice-cream man for a Falsetto. See what he says. See what he does. It's a test.
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Peter Parker's Aunt May was warm, if slightly over-protective. Her sister, Aunt May Not, was less forthcoming.
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Raising children is a lot like raising the Mary Rose: salty, splintery, and ultimately boring to others.
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A smile is like a pirate simile (lost one eye).
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I pride myself on my honesty, and shame myself on the same basis.
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If you have a friend called Anthony or Antonia, the chances are they're: a) very attractive and b) a shoplifter.
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It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to drown.
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This country has a proud tradition of being indiscriminately proud of tradition.
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Now look here.
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Magellena Bonham Carter #actorexplorers
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Fiddles aren't fit. They're inanimate. Another idiom discredited.
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Surprise, surprise... SURPRISE! Ha! I bet that third surprise was a surprise.
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The false messiah is an unsavioury character.
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I hate Geordie slang. FYI.
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I'm thinking of getting a job as a dwarf lookalike for a famous German film director. Should be a nice little Werner.
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That was probably the worst thing I've ever tweeted. Which covers some ground.
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Is it arrogant to like the cut of your own jib? I mean, mine's more of a graze, but still...
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I love those weird little toys you get inside chocolate eggs. In fact I've always depended on the strangeness of Kinders.
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Who was the most well-rounded knight? Sir Cumference.
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Familiarity breeds comtempt. And so do I! I'm fostering a litter of comtempt right now - when it's older it'll be fully-grown disgust!
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I'm hungry, but bored of cereal. Maybe I'll crack an egg into some cheese and cook it on a hot boy. Like they do on the continent.
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I have no idea where this strip of toast came from. #unknownsoldier
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Just had an afternoon nap. I dreamt Hulk Hogan was making a giant sponge cake.
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I used to cut my sandwiches into squares, then triangles. But then I started to prefer three-dimensional sandwiches.
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Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. That's why I always take mine off before going to bed. It's just common sense.
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I'm going to drink some tap water. Heads: cold tap. Tails: hot tap. If only I had a coin.
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On my own at work today. I hope I don't get driven crazy by solitude. At least I have Twitter. (SPOILER: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TWITTER)
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Going well so far. I've just drawn a volleyball on my face and have started talking to Tom Hanks. He's reluctant to discuss Big.
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Maintaining my sanity by watching a soap opera projected in my head. It's called Knuckledusters and is about a family of knuckledusters.
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This episode of Knuckledusters is boring. I think the problem with the show is that I'm not particularly interested in knuckledusters.
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Beware of Greeks gifting bears.
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I think loneliness might have made me less perceptive. Eg. Just realised my computer isn't on and I'm writing this on a matchbox.
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I used to hang around with unicyclists, but always felt like a bit of a second wheel.
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I had a really soggy Chinese meal the other day. Burst water mein, apparently.
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Remember, I'm part Chinese, so my material has a Lenny Henry-esque air of authenticity.
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Last night I dreamt up an idiom: "Happy as a hen, fat, with friends". That was the sentence structure my subconscious chose. I dreamt commas.
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Poor turnout at the International Hermit Convention this year.
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Emmeline Pankhurst's favourite beach activity was riding a Suffragette-Ski.
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Irony is a quantum fluctuation. Tweets can be both ironic and earnest simultaneously. But this one isn't.
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Honeste is the best police.
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Water! Falling from the sky! Individual little packets of water - plummeting to earth at speed! WHAT AN EXCITING MORNING.
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I can't decide if I've done loads of stuff today or not. I'm prolifickle.
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The penfish is mightier than the swordfish.
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I don't really agree with satanic guacamole. I'm just playing Devil's avocado.
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If I wasn't me, I don't think I'd follow me. I'm going to change my style of tweeting. Fewer puns, more revolutionary politics.
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Mash the State! Capitalism is the seatbelt caught in the car door of progress! Stop shopping in the stupormarket!
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I must be the only person in the world
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If boredom was fondue, I'd be Switzerland.
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I spend all day at work staring dead-eyed & bleary at my computer screen. And what's the first thing I do when I get home? Turn on my laptop.
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Squintuplets: five blurry little babies.
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You can track nosey rabbits by their eavesdroppings.
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This room is quiet and dimly lit. But there's a tangible potential in the air. I just need a spark to light it. #anothergameofFreeCell?
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Right - I'll brush my teeth, you brush your teeth and we'll meet back here to compare brushes and teeth.
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OK, let's see 'em. Hmm. Yours has more bristles than mine. Now, what about the brush? [AHAHA teeth bristles!]
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...
Sorry I was finding it difficult to type for a minute there, because I was PATTING MYSELF ON THE BACK.
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