Tools

I couldn't think of anything to write. I was just staring at the empty box. The 'New Post' box. Nothing was there. Nothing was coming.

My brain was empty. I searched every nook and cranny for something to write about, but everything was nothing, and nothing was everywhere.

But then I looked outside the 'New Post' box. Just outside it. To the icons that sit atop its vacant hectare.

Whenever you post a new post in the 'New Post' box, these are your tools. They are Hephaestus's hammer, they are Vishnu's mace, they are Antonie van Leeuwenhoek's microscope.

They are Flavor Flav's clock. 


All have a mystical purpose. Each can only be wielded by one who is pure of heart and swift of finger.


Many people have crashed into the rocks of blog disaster, having failed to recognise this simple button lighthouse in the fog.


It has taken me nearly four years to master them. But now they are like an extension of my body. A fourth arm, if you will (my third arm is my left leg).


But wisdom is not to be hoarded like the dragon's gold. It is to be spread freely like the libertine dragon's gold. I will take you through their uses, so that you might one day harness them for your own ends.


But make sure these ends are not of a nefarious nature. The icons have a way of sensing ill-will. If used improperly, they will consume you. 

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First up, we have The Blue Arrows:




Though seemingly simple, these icons enable the blogsmith to manipulate the very course of time. The first arrow allows you to travel into the past, to relive the events of your youth, to right wrongs, to spend one last evening with your lost loves.

The second arrow is greyed out. We cannot know our future.

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The next couple of icons may be familiar to you. 

The First American F was invented by Benjamin Franklin (the old-fashioned typeface is testament to its age). Franklin sought to create a letter that could house freedom. Sadly, he died before it was completed.

But thanks to the technicians at Blogger, The First American F is up and running. By pressing this button, a writer can equip his or her prose with a free-flowing elegance that emulates the carefree flight of a beautiful bird.

(I have not used this button.)

The second of these buttons is TTimms's Folly. Liam TTimms hoped to piggy-back on Franklin's work with his own button. He hoped to create a letter that could house two cups of tea (one small, one large).

But this was not to be. It was a ridiculous idea. The button's only function is as a reminder to forge your own path, and not mooch off the genius of others.

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Next up, what are known as insistence indicators.

Use these depending on your level of frustration. Proclaim B, implore I, stress U, and then, maddened by the inaction of others, just reject the whole concept of an alphabet.

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The next ones are self explanatory: Apple and diagonal pipe (if you're feeling devil-may-care):

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Next on the toolbar is a family of related icons.

The Link button summons the ghost of the caveman from the classic 1992 all-star film California Man (or Encino Man in America). The caveman was called Link. That's the connection.

Use this button if you need a caveman for some reason.

The other buttons are related: California Man picture (for a still photo from the set), California Man outtakes (the clapperboard is the symbol of celluloid failure) and Torn Script (this can be from any film, though California Man is the most popular).

You may think these are rarely used. You're right. But if you are writing a blog post about California Man, these are a life-saver.

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And briefly, the rest:

Lines of Irregular Length, Shopping List, Shopping List in a World Without Numbers, Two Open Blue Tins, NEVER WRITE A T and the Alphabet Approval Button.

You must utilise all of these in every post if you're to be considered a serious blogmonger.

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I hope this has been a useful tour through the Blogger 'New Post' toolbar.

You are now ready to start your own blog. I suggest blogging on the following subjects:

Cats