People say we're monkeying around. They are incorrect.

Here's a heads-up.

I don't know about giving a heads-up. I suppose it's to make people pay attention. But what if the salient thing is happening on the floor? You can't give a heads-down. Or a heads-45° left. So, heads-up.

The open mic comedy thing I did is becoming a regular thing. If you are on Facebook, you can find details here. (Members of the Facebook group also get a discount on the entry price).

If anyone reading this that knows me, you're more than welcome to attend. If you don't know me, you are also welcome. If you know me, but hate me, it's probably best not to come. If you don't know me, but hate me, all I can say is: bravo.

It's on the last Tuesday of every month at Baby Simple, Cowley Road, Oxford. I should be there every month, unless my next routine gets me banned from the venue (and my Ku Klux Klan outfit is still at the cleaners).

The next one is two weeks away, and I will be doing lots of new stuff. It's slightly scary, but hopefully things will come together.

I might take my ventriloquist's dummy on stage, in case things go badly. You can always count on Ringo, the diseased chimp for a few laughs!

Unfortunately, Ringo died some years back. But luckily I have the ability to manipulate his corpse (through a hole in the back of his skull), and also throw my voice without moving my lips! If anything it's a more impressive act than when he was alive.

Of course his act is now mainly composed of maudlin anecdotes about the monkey afterlife.

Which is unpleasant for him, as he was an ape.

It brings a tear to your eye. It brings a tear to his eyes too, but that's technically just the puppet lubricant I use to ensure his limbs and moving parts don't grind and break.

Yes, you can always count on Ringo for a few laughs.

I have to go now, as I have something in my eye.

(Stupid puppet lubricant)