Swordfish

I think I have to write something new, because the cartoon below makes me look like a computer-illiterate child. Anyone with any sense would have made it less blurry, yet I did not.

Maybe I should just begin every post with a naked woman's breasts (or a woman's naked breasts, or a woman's breasts naked). Then at least I'd be sure of attracting attention. Attention from perverts still counts as attention. Just more clammy.

I wonder why we decided on the clam as our symbol of moistness. Surely any undersea creature would have done. Plus, the clam doesn't seem as clammy as, let's say, a hake. The clams are being slighted. They should speak out against this injustice, but whenever anyone asks them about it they just clam up.

Hahahahahahaha.

Ha.

I'm the king of clam puns. And that's without even straying into clam-as-euphemism-for-vagina territory.

And that's a rich vein of thought. I'm still trying to get my own vagina euphemism: 'the dustpan and brush', approved by the Innuendo Advisory Board, but they're all backed up with penis variants. Dicks.

Of course, that's a richly veiny area also, but I don't want this entry to get too low-brow.

Quick, talk about something sophisticated!

***

Knife crime! It's a big issue. People are getting stabbed all over the place. Stabbings are bad.

Everyone carries a knife these days. I know I do. Well, it's more of a fish slice (we're back on vaginas again [who am I, Roy Chubby Brown? I may be chubby and brown, but I... where was I?]).

"You can't ban knives!" they say.

Bollocks.

Knives are like the fire brigade: utterly unnecessary. I don't use knives. I see Lucy eating with a knife and fork and I laugh in her face. Ha! I just use a fork. One utensil will do. Some will see me pathetically hacking away at a bit of sausage with the edge of my fork and call me naive. You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

All you need is fork.

And no-one will get stabbed with a fork. Unless they do. In fact, that sounds even more painful.

Screw it, ban forks too. That's all we need.

And I find it hard to believe that afterwards the papers will be describing a string of fatal spoonings. That's insanity. You're insane. I don't understand you.