Professional

Consider this:

A colon. Did you like it?

Two dots, one on top of the other. An underrated bit of punctuation. It's not flashy, but it is dependable. And so much more solid that flibbertigibbet the semi-colon. No-one know how to use her, and only feel compelled to do so out of politeness.

How about some amusing things? Don't worry, it will come from people more dependable than me!

***

Putting Simpsons clips on here is probably redundant, as everyone has seen them all. I might as well passionately advocate the banana.

But I saw this again recently, and was struck by the strangeness of it. I believe it's the work of George Meyer, who I've written about before. Anyway, here it is:



***

Another very funny video that people have probably seen is this clever and expertly executed Mr Show sketch. Still, I'll put it here anyway.



***

There. I've posted two good things. That really takes the pressure off me.

I could do anything now.

I'M INVINCIBLE!

So, the other day I was...

No. Not that day. The other day.

Yes. No. Yes, you're right. The day you're talking about technically is the other day. But I'm talking about the other other day.

Yes. No. No, that's not it.

No, that was the other night.

If I'd meant the other night, I would have said...

No. I consider 9pm to be night. No, it's not evening.

I don't care how light it was outside! 9pm is night! That's the rule!

Look, we're getting distracted.

Will you let me finish?


...

OK, good.

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine. Let's call him "Fictional". Anyway, he was all like "........................."

(He couldn't say anything because he was a figment of my imagination)

Then there was an explosion.

Good story, huh?

I bet you're glad you held back the interruptions.

***

I'm thirsty.

There's something about typing that makes me dehydrated. I wonder if water is needed to lubricate the finger joints. There are no watery deposits on the keys, but that might be because they're made of sponge for all I know.

Maybe specifically blog-related thoughts require more body-juice than other kinds. It might be needed as a coolant for all the neuron atom smashers and lobe vibration. (But then again, I'm no neuronomer).

Or it could be that I'm thirsty all the time, and I only notice it when I'm writing because I'm so bored.

That seems plausible.

***

I think posting the videos has made me complacent. I'm starting to have serious doubts about my competence.

I'll have to come up with three really funny jokes to prove my worth. Like Hercules did.

And these will be blog exclusives! They won't go on Twitter.

I'm writing all this without even having considered what the jokes might be, so I could be making a rod for my own back, attaching the rod to a huge metal weight, and throwing the whole thing into a shark-infested sea of acid.

But I like to challenge myself, as we've established. The moment I stop pushing myself will be the moment I become... less... uh. You know... less good.

(I still haven't thought of anything yet - three might have been too ambitious. Maybe I should look at the news and come up with some topical gags. It might get me a job working for Have I Got News For You. My first move will be to add a question mark to the show title. I've always thought it should be Have I Got News F?or You.)


Really Funny Joke Number 1:

Malta has voted yes in a referendum on whether to legalise divorce. A spokesman for the "Yes" movement has said: "My wife is going to kill me".


Really Funny Joke Number 2:

The perfume Chanel No 5 is celebrating its ninetieth birthday. As is Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry (who sadly died in 1991). Both helped shape the course of the twentieth century, and both now smell remarkably similar.

Really Funny Joke Number 3:

Mohamed Bin Hammam of Qatar has pulled out of the race to head FIFA, after being accused of accepting bribes.

Mr Bin Hammam has made a statement denying the allegations from inside a diamond-encrusted 24-carat football-mobile, emblazoned with the slogan "DO THE RIGHT THING".

***

I can now see why I'm not a professional comedy writer.

Sorry, I wrote that wrong.

I CAN'T now see why I'm not a professional comedy writer.

If you work for any panel shows, talk shows, newspapers, big-name comedians or dullards in need of banter, please contact me at the below address:

Paul "DiamondBadger" Fung
Tear Trough 7
Failureville
Disappointment City
Cumbria

To be fair to me, I am sort-of watching the League One play-off final. So my attention has been split.

I'm not Superman.

I'm not Superman.