C'Monday

It's Monday night, so I've got that "Monday night" song in my head.

You know that song? The "Monday night" song? I think it's called "Monday Night".

Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnday Night!
Sunday, right?
No: MONNNNNNNNDAY NIGHT!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnday Night!
Monnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnday Night!

And then there's that verse about The Boomtown Rats.

Sorry - you'll have it in your head now. It's a real ear maggot: eating away at your sanity.

Monday nights are usually devoid of anything remotely fun, but I've decided to shine a light in the darkness. The light is a load of tweets. And the darkness is... well, just normal darkness I suppose. But the tweets appear on an illuminated screen.

Some of these are a couple of years old, but most of them are new. I wonder if there's any discernible difference in quality. Have I matured?

Have I?

I think I have. I've got more shirts than I used to have. And I've thrown away most of my alphabet wallpaper.

So, without further ado, here is the latest instalment of:

Monday Night Sentences

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For a mind-blowing experience, try holding your toothbrush and toothpaste in the opposite hands to usual. I feel like I've taken mescaline.

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I try to focus on the task at hand, but I'm wearing the wrong type of lens. To be honest, I think it's a kaleidoscope.

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Remembrance Day:

11:00am: We poignantly remember an unimaginable sacrifice. 11:04am: I complain about the amount of chickpeas in the salad bar.

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I'm an expert on the beak glockenspiel. I've got the skills to play the bills.

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I'm impressed that I'm able to continually disappoint myself, even when my expectations are so low.

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I just drank some green tea, which I think pretty much makes me a Buddhist.

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I have seven red pen lids on my desk. I'm not sure why. Perhaps they symbolise dead dwarves.

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It's hard to defuse a bomb if you're ambivalent about it going off. That's why I never get involved.

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I don't think much of the new Apple giant ape. But then I've always been a bit of an iKongoclast.

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My pupils are diluted.

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I thought about doing a joint honours degree in architecture and make-up, but didn't fancy the foundation year.

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All the world's a stage... There's astronauts in the orchestra pit.

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Decorative suicide is a dying art.

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When I needed a covering for my eight-seater sofa, I contacted Rory Delap, because he's got a long throw.

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I bought something of no import on import.

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Orange squash in Atlantis is a) too weak and b) too salty.

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&&&&&& &&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&& I'm trying to build an ampersandcastle.

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Q: How was Dick Dastardly able to both hunt pigeons and compete in Wacky Races? A: Muttley-tasking.

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The best/worst place to work during an earthquake is a snow-globe factory.

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"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the Kitchener." - Kitchener to burnt lover.

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Film Pitch: CREW SIN 4: A BREW SIN - A sequel to Crew Sin 3. This time it's tea-related.

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Sitcom Pitch: CRUTCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING - Staff at a crutch factory never suffer leg injuries, but worry that one day they might.

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Quiz Show Pitch: ABBOTT OR COSTELLO? - Contestants must identify whether a mystery person is Bud, Lou, Russ or Elvis. Some clues given.

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Reality Show Pitch: ALCOHOLIC DOCTORS AND BISON - Follows the lives of some boozy quacks and some bison. Possibly in the same hotel suite.

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An optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass embedded in the face of his future wife.

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Oooh. Jaws. I'm SO scared. Sheesh... #sharkasm

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The Apathy Brigade failed to extinguish the blasé.

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In my imagination, Cornish Jews refer to circumcision as 'The Ginsters Slice'.

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Incidentally, the previous tweet was the original first line of Kylie Minogue's 'I Should Be So Lucky'.

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No matter what Hollywood tells you, people rarely scream "My eyes! My eyes!" in real life.

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I've got an annuowl. It can turn its head 365 degrees a year.

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I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, so I put my watch and my SatNav in a sack and drowned them both. Now I'm late, lost & grieving.

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What's the best way to cook a waiter?

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Handcuffs aren't handcuffs. They're wristcuffs. But cufflinks aren't wristlinks. They're cufflinks. Maybe handcuffs are cuffcuffs. #cuffs

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You are what you eat. I had nothing for breakfast.

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My teeth have been clenched for the past hour. I only just realised. Also, I appear to be covered in electrodes, though that's standard(?).

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I hate those fucking Wonga puppets so much, I want actual old people to die.

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There's a big group of people in the office chatting around cake. I think this might be the time to tell them that I'm gay.

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I bite my nails. My tongue hasn't itched for YEARS.

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Destiny is calling, but it keeps showing up as 'private number'.

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In the Fight for the Right to Party, I'm a conscientious objector.

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The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making the Statue of Liberty disappear.

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At school I was voted 'Most Likely to Write This'.

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I'd die to protect people's right to burn the flag, and said as much in my golf club membership application. Still waiting to hear back.

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Honey I Shrunk The Kids SPOILER: he's just wearing the wrong glasses.

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The Dinner Lady of The Lake #SchoolLegends

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I despise farce, so I've removed all the doors in the house.

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If I had tusks, I'd never lose another hair band.

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Every time I have to spell my surname over the phone, people get offended. "It's F-u..." "HOW DARE YOU?!" *click*

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When you think about it, a carrot is just a really stupid dolphin.

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Our living room door handle is squeaking. Or it could be the mouse tied to it. I'm not a vet.

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It's very autumnal out there. I just saw a squirrel eating a Thanksgiving dinner.

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I love to watch the leaves change. That's why I was thrown out of the dressing rooms in my local branch of TreeTopshop.

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I'm starting a coffee shop themed around pessimism. Lesspresso, Tepid Chocolate, Caffè Late, American'to... Anyone got Alan Sugar's number?

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I've designed a dishwasher. It's just 8-10 discus throwers hurling crockery into the sea. Anyone got Duncan Bannatyne's number?

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I've developed a new Game Boy powered by loneliness. Anyone got the Samaritans' number?

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If I don't scratch myself an even number of times, I can't join this new club I've just founded.

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Do you ever worry that you're not following enough people from the Solomon Islands? I do sometimes.

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My golf bag always lands putter-side-down. (If you own a golf club, I'd be happy to do this and other golf jokes on stage for £900)

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I don't even know if you call it a golf bag. Does it have a special name? Club satchel? Stick sack?

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I need some kind of adrenaline rush. Maybe I'll jump off a shark into another shark.

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Whenever I mop my brow, I have to wedge a tiny "Cleaning in Progress" sign in my eye socket. I have to. I HAVE TO.

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This apple tastes like a gherkin. Do I have a brain tumour?

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I either need to trim my beard or remove the velcro from my shoes.

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I've been plying my trade all day. Later I'm going to trade my trade's 'a' to my plying. Then I'll be playing my trde.

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When the Mayweather turns cold, put your Ricky "The Hitman" Hat on.

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Sean Connery didn't want to start smoking, but people kept leading him ashtray. #doesntquitework

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All things being equal, maths becomes redundant.

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I'm taking a Second Aid class. It mainly involves learning where to place wreaths.

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Don't make a mountainbilly out of a molehillbilly.

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In French, the Roald Dahl book is 'Danny, The Mushroom of the World'.

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Children learn languages very quickly, which is why they make the best subtitlers.

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Ray Stubbs was made from little left-over pieces of sunshine.

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This week I realised I look exactly like Akeem, The African Dream. It's pretty much all over now.

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Dancing on someone's grave is a bad thing. Unless it's the grave of Simon Prancemore, the Human Dancefloor. It's what he would have wanted.

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Lured a blueprint down an alley. Put a big X just after the trip-wire. That's where the plan falls down.

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Bruce Wayne has got pigeons on his toilet paper. Just to throw people off.

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I just signed my own deaf warrant.

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Keep your friends close, but your harmonies closer.

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Success in the World's Sweatiest Man competition is 100% perspiration.

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I'm going to have built a time machine.

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What's your favourite spherical food? Mine is probably PLANET HAM.

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I think you can be masculine whilst wearing a tiara, provided it's worn at a jaunty (but not TOO jaunty) angle.

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Whenever I watch Frozen Planet, I feel guilty for electrocuting penguin cubs. But only momentarily. (Yes, they are cubs. Not chicks, DAVID)

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I do worry about the BBC's bias, though. Four programmes in, and they've yet to mention either the East or West Pole. #frozenplanet

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I'm working on my accept ants speech. "And, in the end, aren't we ALL just a third of a giant fleshy ant?"

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I must be getting old. I can't even get up from a chair now without making a scrapbook.

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My computer has slowed to a crawl. To be fair, I haven't fed it in weeks.

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I'd like to carry a gun. Not to shoot anybody, just to test my pocket strength. I wouldn't shoot anybody.

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I despise anyone confident enough to enunciate.

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[Paul/Editor's Note: The following are all versions of a particular old joke. Once you know that, you can't fail to find these hilarious. It's this one: "I went with my wife to the Caribbean." "Jamaica?" "No, she went of her own accord."]

"I'm taking my bulbous-headed friend on holiday to the States!" "America?" "Yes, he DOES resemble the Elephant Man."

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(A Merrick, huh?)

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(Explanation of joke in brackets)

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{META-BRACKETS}

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"My parrot had a nasty fall whilst on holiday in Libya." "Tripoli?" "No, I had nothing to do with it."

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"My sister's got a part in a Mafia-produced play in South Yorkshire." "Doncaster?" "No, I believe it was one of his lieutenants."

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"This little piggy was killed in a major Portuguese city." "Porto?" "I agree - it's very sad."

[Paul/Editor's Note: Lucy correctly pointed out that this doesn't work, because "poor toe" wouldn't be a question.]

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"Didn't enjoy my time at that Berkshire castle, because of all the... blowy... air.." "Windsor?" "Yes, Jeeves. You always know what I mean."

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I've jumped so far over the shark that I don't even remember what they look like.

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I'm not gaining the following: a following.

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To preserve their anonymity, executioners wear illegible name tags.

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The police found a large quantity of purple rain at the crime scene. No suspects have been named thus far, but they are dusting for Prince.

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I want to live with my head buried in the sand and my body buried in the adjacent sand.

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Whenever I vandalise a cricket ground, I blame it on my oval twin.

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Coffee didn't do much to refresh me. Maybe I should splash some cold wafer in my face, or dip my head into a bucket of iced bees.

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I just received an email promoting a Children in Need bake sale, which begins 'Everyone loves cake!". I don't love cake.

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But I'll go to the sale anyway, like a gay man at a strip club, tucking fivers in garters for disadvantaged kids.

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Where's my Pride of Britain award?

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I'm moving up in the world! (I pressed the wrong chair lever)

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I may not know Azerbaijani, but I know what Əlik.

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The art of political cartooning is to say the most obvious thing in the most obvious way, and yet still somehow be utterly baffling.

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I just crossed 'cross this off my list' off my list.

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I like 'yep' as an alternative to 'yes'. The last consonant of any word is unimportanb.

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My pen is always leaking, which is why I'm a shit shepherd.

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I think people would respect me more if I was in a coma.

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YNVGAWOA

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(You're Not Very Good At Working Out Acronyms)

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MY BATTLE CRY: "Yeah, I suppose so..."

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It's annoying when there's always one sock left in the dryer, but you can't take it out because it's sacred.

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Whenever someone takes my photo, I'm always blinking because I've just been let out of solitary confinement.

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I'm going to toughen my kids up by hating them when they're asleep.

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I just crept up behind the times and said "boo" quietly.

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Archaic vocabulary: yea or nay?

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Giant Einstein? I suppose you think that's big and clever...

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It was wise of Wordsworth to remove the word "shitload" from the first stanza of his daffodils poem.

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Most people don't realise that the word "random" is a portmanteau of "Rancid Dominic".

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Monkey celebrities always die in trees.

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Black armbands are a nice way to mark your respects, and are also suitable for formal swimming lessons.

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My favourite part of Hamlet is when the giant, full-sized Ham makes its appearance.

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Whenever a magnifying glass factory burns down, the police's prime suspect is always an ant with a grudge.

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There's a newspaper maze near our house, but I'm trying not to read too much into it.

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If you concentrate on one spot for long enough, you can really freak out a leopard.

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I'm recording a concept album. The concept is: I'm not recording a concept album.

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Superman's parents were basically like: "if he survives and makes it to another planet, then great. If he doesn't? *shrug*"

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Hmm. *ponders the limits of the 'action-indicated-by-asterisks' technique*

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I can't see anything without my glasses. No, sorry... not glasses: eyes.

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Had a Chinese buffet for lunch, and so have consumed 200% of my recommended daily allowance of duck parts.

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Betty Rubble was so named because her parents found her in the remains of a demolished branch of Ladbrokes.

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I'll only hold a grudge if I'm wearing the right sort of gloves.

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You know what they say about men with big feet! ("He's not a faun.")

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Imagine if you crashed a website into a motorbike. Now stop imagining it.

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Commissioner Gordon's got a deal with the restaurant next door that when he shines the Bat Signal, they send him a mysterious pizza.

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I just ate a stomach pump.

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"Hey, it's like if I somehow trapped aspirin in my headache!" No reaction from the paramedics. (Squares)

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I've never been offered cocaine. It might be because both of my nostrils are sewn shut. (My parents were ultra-orthodox)

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I hope to one day be immortalised in whacks.

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I grind my teeth into a rich, full-bodied, enamelly blend. Perfect for after dinner or gum revitalisation.

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I had to buy an 8-pack of apples this morning. That's 100% more apples than I'm used to. I just hope one of my colleagues brings in a horse.

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Out with the instincts and in with the outstincts.

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I quipped hilariously whilst meeting new starter. Slightly ruined by me pulling back a silk curtain to reveal a cardboard cut-out of Stalin.

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I'm deaf in one eye.

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I have a strict routine at a Chinese buffet. First, I get spring rolls. Then I get meat/rice. Then noodles. Then diabetes. Then racist.

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I just got tagged in a Facebook photo of a dead leaf. The only thing sadder than that is that it didn't really happen.

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The best way to stay safe during an earthquake is to jump into a volcano.

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Barry White sarcasm is the lowest form of humour (due to both voice and burial).

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I'm meeting a sentient song later. She just needs a few minutes to compose herself.

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Someone should do an observational comedy routine about the womb. I mean, we've all been there.

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Never make eye contact with a self-conscious bear.

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I'm going to leave a pig under my pillow tonight - just to test the Tooth Fairy's resolve.

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My Toyota Yaris is filled with toys, rusks, picture-books and blankets. It's a car crèche waiting to happen.

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Here's a piece of advice: dvic

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I'm terrified of being buried alive, which is why I keep a Game Boy on my person at all times.

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My moustache smells of nose proximity.

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What's the difference between a carrier bag and a carrier pigeon? One has a beak, the other might have a beak if you've been beak shopping.

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Make sure to capitalise ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY.

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It takes three to thrango.

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My hair is at some weird limbo-length - neither one thing nor another, like a baby smoking a pipe.

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It seems to be forcing itself into a haircut between dimensions. It's almost an underside parting.

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It looks like it's been licked into shape by a static-tongued quantum ox.

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I might be overselling it.

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I want to write a tweet where the punchline is "the girafterlife". But the lack of giraffe synonyms is making it very difficult.

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What a way to finish! A failed pun. If that doesn't get you pumped up for Tuesday, something else might.

Have a lovely period of time. You can choose its duration.