Me again.
If I were you, I'd put a lot of parcel tape around your neck, because you're about to LAUGH YOUR HEAD OFF.
Last night, the ghost of Bob Monkhouse appeared before me and looked thoroughly disgusted.
Last night, a Red Dwarf obsessive, who's just built a church to Chris Barrie on soft sand, told me I'm wasting my life.
Last night, Mario Balotelli turned up and told me to stop embarrassing myself.
Last night, I threw a coin into a wishing well and a safe dropped on my head.
Last night, I offered my resignation to the Council of Human Beings and they didn't even pronounce my name properly.
But still... jokes, eh?
That's right! It's another edition of:
Sweep the Canal for the Corpse, Then Copy&Paste, Copy&Paste, Copy&Paste
(Recent Tweet Compendium)
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If the shoe fits, the other shoe of the pair, its "partner in crime" if you will, is also likely to fit (barring foot size discrepancy).
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In an office tea break, I genuinely once said: "I think blindness is the sexiest disability". I have yet to be promoted.
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"I play Poohsticks in the stream of consciousness." - Someone AWFUL.
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"I got hammered last night!" - Jimmy Nail
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"The Grand Old Duke of York marched his men (must've been dozens of them) up and down me last night." - Jimmy Hill
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"Got licked and turned last night." - John Bonham.
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The best drum kit a child can have is a saucepan, a saucepan lid, and a fantastic drum kit.
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I got beaten up in Scotland for confusing Crocodile Dundee with Crocodile Dundee United. Even though they wear similar hats.
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Raincoats keep falling on my head / But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red / Though I have been blinded by a duffle-coat /
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Is it weird that my right middle toe fits perfectly into a USB slot? And a panna cotta?
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I know it shouldn't bother me when Cockneys refer to capes as 'Planet of the Apes', but I get really annoyed by cloakquialisms.
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Pfhfff. Thhhhhkkk. I think I have a dreadlock on my tongue.
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My trousers have no back-left pocket. The resulting imbalance has caused me to walk into doorframes and, on one occasion, an imaginary canal
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James Bolam & Rodney Bewes to star in Compton-based sitcom 'Whateva Happened 2 Da LikelyHood?', airing this fall in my brain.
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The National Dismantling Championships: it's not the winning, it's the taking apart.
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The most common form of RSI at the RSC comes from prolonged skull-holding.
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Roland Emmerich has just described the events of 2011 as "implausible overkill".
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Thanks to horror films, I can no longer hear a child singing innocently without assuming they must be evil.
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BRAIN TEASER - Complete the following sentence: "Complete the [BLANK] sentence". (Answer to follow)
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ANSWER TO BRAIN TEASER: "Complete the [BLANK] sentence, Francesca".
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BRIAN TEASER: "Haha! You look stupid, Brian! That jumper looks like something a stupid idiot would wear, you stupid idiot!"
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I have a four-octave range. On the piano.
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Whenever I buy something in a shop, I wait for the receipt to start printing, pound the counter and shout "NOT AGAIN!".
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I always thought the most obtrusive product placement was in the Kiefer Sutherland film Fiatliners.
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The trombone is the ultimate expression of man's desire to say something they don't really mean.
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Say "cheese" when having your picture taken, or when referring to cheese.
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I bought a croissant because it looked large and malformed - a real Chernobyl pastry. I didn't want to discriminate.
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At the work coffee bar, a double espresso costs 1p more than two single espressos. CAPITALISM DOESN'T WORK. (capitaliSING does work).
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I considered smashing my head through the counter's sneezeguard in protest. Then sneezing on a cake, to add gooey salt to the creamy wound.
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On the horns of Diane Lemma
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Going back to semi-skimmed milk after using skimmed for ages is a shock to the system. It's like putting PVA glue on my cereal.
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MOVIE MYTH BUSTED: Contrary to popular belief, there is no character called 'Sam' in Casablanca. The name didn't even exist before 1993.
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My uncultured friend thinks you should cut a steak with the sharp metal bit of the knife. But aristocrats use the handle. Take your time.
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With enough insistence, you can convince people of anything. That's why Gloria Gaynor is immortal. They should send her to war. #invincible
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NEW PRODUCT IDEA: Celebrity-sponsored sleeping bag for saving your place in line to use the toilet: John Cusack's John Queue Sack.
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Watermelon is to regular melon what water polo is to regular polo: wetter and with fewer horses.
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I'm staring at myself in the mirror, miming to George Michael's Fastlove and wondering why I ever needed a television.
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I'm not sure these bicycle shorts suit me. Are the spokes supposed to gouge like this?
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In Germany, cats have no lives.
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There's a book about a WWII squad of romantic poet airmen called the ParaKeats. That book sits atop a shelf in heaven.
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I'm having one of those days where I want to wrap myself in something toxic and plummet into the sea. Thursdays.
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Japanese theatre mantra: "There's no business like Noh business!"
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Liven up a game of Monopoly by insisting the hotels are brothels. Then claim to have been mugged by the battleship and scream blue murder.
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I like that film where Steve McQueen bounces a prison off a baseball.
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NEW PRODUCT IDEA: A campaign, outlining the benefits of ducts. Fight back against the antiduct lobby!
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There's a live scorpion in every twentieth copy of the boardgame Risk. They have to include it, or Parker Brothers lose their licence.
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If I was a cyclops, I'd look down my nose at people.
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I use a permanent marker whenever I'm managing an eternal football team, and want to keep things tight at the back.
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Wear mutton mittens to cut out the woollen middle man.
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If you take breakdancing too literally, you might need a ghetto plaster. #tweetsfrom1981
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"Where do you see yourself in ten years' time?" "The Decade Hence Observatory" - Always try to stand out in job interviews.
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I'd like someone to describe their newborn child as "top notch" and then ride out of the maternity ward on a motorbike.
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What does Alicia Silverstone do with all those tyres after the Grand Prix has finished? I guess, what, donate them to a monkey sanctuary?
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"On if there's recourse for the use of force, The Incredible Hulk is a credible source." ... I have an MA in English.
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Forget-me-nots are nature's Memento.
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Kick Witticism Out of Football.
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As a child, I was bullied into using 21-pin TV cables. I was SCART for life.
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How about a quick wordsearch? Here it is: [WORDSEARCH]. See if you can find any of the following: EAR, SEA, ARCH, ESDRO, ARC, WORD, OW...
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I'm not saying all bass players are sex offenders.
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My debut single, 'Nuthin' but a Leth-R-G Thang', will be released whenever I can be bothered to buy a microphone.
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I just unplugged my headphones from my computer. "This is awkward," I thought. "Why don't I get wireless headphones?" Then I realised: EARS.
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My friend wants an option on MS Word to auto-align his text into the shape of a swastika. I don't think he can justify it.
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In the Amazon, a butterfly flaps its wings, and in Oxford my girlfriend puts on a cardigan.
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I came up with a great invention today: a long, double-ended toothbrush for synchronised, twatty couples.
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'Earth Song' is my favourite soil-based Michael Jackson song (closely followed by 'Peat It' and 'You Are Not a Loam').
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I do never repeat my tweets. Novelty is better than quality. A new turd is better than a used car. (Yes, I have thought this through)
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I should credit Lucy for that MJ joke. She tolerantly treated "What are some soil synonyms?" as a normal question to ask out of the blue.
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Shouldn't have left my washing on the line. It's causing huge delays out of Bristol Temple Meads. Who knew a wet vest could derail a train?
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I like to think of my skin as one big organ umbrella.
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This podiatry textbook is all footnotes.
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If Proust was born 100 years later, rather than a madeleine sending him into nostalgic reverie, it would be the theme to Castlevania.
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If I was a goose, my library card would be next to useless.
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If you stick some tiny eyes onto nail-clippers, you've got yourself a ventriloquist's dummy. Give it a metallic voice. Try it. Enjoy it.
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Saw Harry Potter today. I agreed with the changes from the book, but the wise-cracking CGI cauldron seemed a bit tacked-on. And racist.
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At the cinema, they asked me what kind of popcorn I wanted. I said "I'd like UNSAVOURY, please!" then winked so hard a tooth came out.
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They've stopped showing trailers before the film, and started showing flailers instead. It's basically just panicky people. Funny, though.
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Much better than last time, when they showed failers. That was just a big mirror.
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The patient died when a baby lion burst out of his brain. Doctors think it was a Simbalism. :-(
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Woody Allen has been cast in the title role of a new musical based on Batfink. The premiere is at a compulsory festival/ordeal at my house.
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Somewhere in LA is a maniac wearing an expensive watch - a watch they could only afford because they wrote the novelisation of Space Jam.
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Every time I minimise a window I shout "DRINK ME". And when I maximise one I shout "EAT ME". They're all my little Alices...
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MY IDEAL BREAKFAST: Crispy talons, long tall glass of some repute, egg-shrapnel, hash greys, scrambled water, pastry smile, and bean.
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I'd like to use PowerPoint, but I can't afford the pneumatic finger.
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It's bad luck to see a magpie gunned down in a drive-by. Two is fine.
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Spend a fine Sunday afternoon by going into a fancy restaurant, pointing at every object in the room, and asking whether each one is edible.
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If I was a goalkeeper, I'd paint the anguished faces of the opposing striker's family on my gloves. (That or a cool looking dragon!)
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I've got a locket with a picture of my favourite locket photo inside.
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I've had the 'You've Been Framed' theme tune in my head ever since I kicked that baby into a river.
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Whenever it rains, I like to imagine that God is crying (because he hates rain).
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If I can't remember where my ring finger or thumb are, I look them up in my index finger.
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My c%mpVter jVst fell %n the fl%%r, bVt as far as } can tell, there's n% harm d%ne. Ph£w!
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I'm not good at coping with the requirements of being a sentient being. I'd be better suited to being a stone or a thimble.
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I'm not sure what I'm on, but it certainly doesn't seem to be "the ball". It's too pointy. I think it might be a Pyramint.
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I bet Shredder finds it difficult to walk through a bead curtain.
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Money can't buy Happiness. Todd Solondz has complicated bartering demands.
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I used to get teased at school for having a third knee. They were creative, I'll give them that...
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MOVIE TRIVIA: When filming Alien, the cast weren't told John Hurt was in the film, so their shock when he appeared on set looked genuine.
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We've all meant things we didn't say.
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We've all meant things we didn't mean.
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We've all said things we didn't say. MEAN things.
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Sticks or stones may break my bones, but only if they're propelled towards me at speed. Or vice versa.
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Archaic pessimists write with a quon't.
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"I'm not saying I don't LIKE my skeleton, it's just... I dunno... he gets under my skin, that's all". My doctor is a good listener.
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Jimi Hendrix arrived at the barbecue with a bag full of guitar-shaped briquettes. He was a showman. But he was also PRACTICAL.
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I'd like to have an entire, life-sized Bayeux Tapestry as my desktop wallpaper. Though my arm might get tired dragging icons around.
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And I'd like my screensaver to be the film Boomerang with Eddie Murphy.
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No repeat of canteen-plate-overload-gate today, but I did accidentally walk off with four-dozen soup spoons and a pint of mustard.
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At school, I'd use my watch to reflect sunlight into my teachers' eyes. It used to annoy them - especially Mr Dracula (Blood Studies).
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A cat will always land on its feet. Even if the feet have been removed and FedExed to another country.
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I like it when a rapper implores me to make some noise. It's an achievable goal, and not too specific.
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Helpful dolphin Flipper was so named because at the drop of a hat, he'd go fucking nuts.
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Hmm. Not sure about that comma. But I can't delete the tweet and remove it. That would be crazy. Best to just write about it instead. #meta
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Go directly to sleep. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect 200 issues of GamesMaster magazine.
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I don't think the hour and minute hands get on with the second hand. The second hand is like a step-brother: erratic, skinny, up to no good.
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I wasn't athletic as a child. On sports days, the teachers insisted I run the egg and spoon race with an embryo in a ladel.
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Telling a child that they're adopted is one of the hardest things anyone can do. Especially if you've only just met them.
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Sometimes my old uni alumni office will phone me, asking for money. I always tell them my profession is "nut-butler". But they keep calling.
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You should never poke your head into a moving train.
Well done, everyone. You've been very brave.
I'll buy you a Chupa Chup next time I go to the shop.
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